


'Cause We Break Down A Little

by justyouraveragestoryteller



Category: Fashion Model RPF, Karlie Kloss - Fandom, Real Person Fiction, Taylor Swift (Musician)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Disorder, Basically all the gays join forces, Closeted Characters, Drama, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gay Sex, Hurt/Comfort, I'm terrible at tagging, Larry Stylinson Is Real, Lesbian Sex, M/M, Nightmares, Romance, Secret Relationship, So much angst, be warned, kaylor - Freeform, read it please - Freeform, so much crying, super gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-02-10 16:58:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 57,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12916266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justyouraveragestoryteller/pseuds/justyouraveragestoryteller
Summary: Karlie and Taylor have spent the past four years living a lie. In order to protect both of their high-profile reputations, they are forced to commit to a completely closeted relationship - covered up by a convincing story of friendship. With help from their friends and family, they lead as normal a life as possible.A story of laughter and tears, scars and healing, and two girls madly, madly, in love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, *waves*
> 
> Here's something i've been putting together for a while now. I'm excited to finally start posting!  
> Please enjoy, and feel free to comment. It makes us writers so happy :) 
> 
> \- J xx

After all this time, Taylor had never considered letting it all go. She’d never considered taking the money and her dignity and getting the _hell _out. She’d dreamt about it, she’d written about it, she’d even sang about it, but she’d never really stopped and thought about what her life would look like.__

 _Now she had an idea._  
…  
Six months earlier.

 __“__ Karlie!” Taylor hollered up the stairs. “Really? At this point, the restaurant will close before we even get in the car!”

There is a faint apology from their bedroom. Taylor suspects the girl is buried deep in their closet, looking through an endless supply of high-heeled shoes.

Figures. As if being six foot wasn’t enough.

Thirty minutes later the couple and five of their security team travel downstair _ _s.  
__

"Any chance we can walk to dinner tonight?" Taylor asks innocently.

____Brandon, their head of security, pales. “Miss Swift, you really shouldn't-”_ _ _ _

____“Taylor.”_ _ _ _

____“But-”_ _ _ _

____" _Taylor_.”___ _

______“Ok, Taylor, you really shouldn’t do that.” He said, attempting to convince the singer. "It's not a good idea, by any means."_ _ _ _ _ _

______Karlie’s voice is quiet behind her._ _ _ _ _ _

______“...Babe. Fashion week just ended. We don’t need the extra press right now. Let's just take the car.”  
…_ _ _ _ _ _

______Ultimately, reason triumphs over Taylor’s wishes and the girls are bundled into a black SUV with, you guessed it, tinted windows._ _ _ _ _ _

______“This is ridiculous. I don't understand.” Taylor sighed._ _ _ _ _ _

______Karlie smiled gently. “Yes, you do.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s not fair, we were able to a few weeks ago.” Taylor pointed out._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I didn’t say it was. But it’s the way things work, and we have to be careful. And a few weeks ago it wasn't fashion week and we didn't have cameras following us everywhere.” She reminded her girlfriend._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I just want to hold your hand.” Taylor snapped, her voice wavering a little as the tears collected in her throat. "I want to walk down the avenue holding your hand because you're my _girlfriend_."___ _ _ _

________“Tay, sweetheart-” Karlie tried._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“It’s not fair.” She repeats, now sniffling. “And I don’t want to talk about it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Silently, Karlie reaches her hand across the car, pulling gently on Taylor’s arm. The two girls interlace their fingers tightly. They sit that way for the remainder of the ride. Taylor leans back in her seat, closes her eyes, and wills herself to not ruin her mascara. Karlie keeps quiet, knowing not to push._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Brandon’s eyes cut across to Taylor in the rearview mirror when they arrive._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You already know what i’m going to say.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Karlie takes over. “No windows, no drinks, no loud conversations.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The man nods, still eyeing the singer. “She’s a keeper, this one.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Don’t I know it.” Taylor mumbles, stepping dejectedly out of the car with her best friend (girlfriend!!) behind her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They don’t hold hands.  
…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Date night proves to be difficult. (Surprise!) It was their own fault, really. Friday night dinner in New York was practically a holiday in itself. The venue was very crowded, and the chances of them being recognized were very high._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“We’re already here.” She reminded Karlie, who was looking worried as Taylor silenced her phone and shoved it into her purse. No more voicemails from Tree. “There’s no point in trying to find another place, they'll all be crowded. I’m starving. Aren’t you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She kept things cheerful, so desperate for a normal night. They entered the restaurant together. Taylor held her breath._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Karlie, meanwhile, was keeping a close eye on her girlfriend. Taylor’s anxiety was an ongoing problem, but it only worsened with public recognition and the constant backlash from the media._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It certainly wasn’t easier with all the rude looks the pair was getting. It felt like every person in the room was whispering about them as they were seated._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________When Taylor began wringing her hands, she intervened._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Baby,” Karlie reaches across the table, her voice a whisper. “Breathe. You’re okay. Stop looking at them, look at me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“They’re all staring at us.” Taylor’s cheeks flush with embarrassment. “Why are they all staring at us? We’re just eating dinner-" She stammers. "I-, it’s not that strange, right?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Karlie’s heart sinks, because there is genuine fear in the girl's eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“It’s not because they know anything,” She promised. “We’re just an item of discussion, it’s not every day you see Taylor Swift and her _best friend_.” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She leans in closer. Their foreheads practically touch._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“If they only knew how good it was being your _best friend_ _.” She giggled. “They have no idea.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The girl stiffens, pulling away slightly. She knows Karlie is only trying to lighten the mood, if not slightly drunk, but somehow it rubs her the wrong way. They weren’t supposed to talk about this. To be completely honest, she didn’t like joking about it either._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Karlie-” Taylor began, steeling herself for an arugment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“...and it’s so much fun emphasizing that image, hmm?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Karlie.” Taylor says hotly, her voice thick with tears._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“‘ _Best friends_ ’ for life. It’s almost too easy.” ___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Jesus, stop it!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Fuck._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It comes out much later than she intended. The whole room freezes. Forks and knives are poised mid-air as everyone and their lover stare at the two girls. Karlie turns around to them angrily, her eyes blazing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Staring is rude, you know.” She calls, her voice echoing off the low ceilings. “And it’s completely free to mind your own business.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________They leave shortly after that. And much like every night they go out, they race past the photographers lining the streets. Security makes a hole and the pair sprints for the lobby and up two flights of stairs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Karlie was ready for it, but her heart still breaks when Taylor bursts into tears, because _fuck_ , none of this is fair. ___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It’s a vicious cycle, really. The next morning Karlie calls Tree. They want a meeting with her. ASAP._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	2. Chapter 2

She won’t stop pacing. At this point, Taylor’s wearing a track into their hardwood floors. She goes around the kitchen table once again, then through the hallway, and finally back to the couch. 

“You almost done?” Karlie wanted to know, watching her with amusement from the cushions. “She won’t be here for another two hours.” 

“I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to say,” Taylor snapped. “Don’t tease me.” 

“Baby girl,” A smirk pulled at Karlie’s lips. “You’re about as threatening as a marshmallow.” 

“I mean it!” 

“I know, Tay. But it’s still funny.” 

That’s when the girl bursts into tears and Karlie realizes something else is wrong. 

… 

Instead of calling Tree again, they call Andrea. If Taylor won’t talk to Karlie, she’ll talk to her mother.

After everything is settled, Taylor retreats to her studio room to cool down. The piano echoes through the wooden doors for almost two hours and Karlie takes that time alone to call Tree. 

The manager wants to know what’s wrong, what happened, and what she can do. The model explains the meeting is off. There’s nothing she can tell them they don’t already know, or they haven’t already tried. 

“ _Until she can tell me how she wants it to happen, I can’t help either of you_.” Tree apologizes, though Karlie thought the woman sounded more frustrated than ever. “ _The media outlets are watching you both closely after what happened at the restaurant, so we don’t need her having a breakdown_.” 

“That’s why I called Andrea.” Karlie reminds her, swallowing a more rude response. “And as far as what Taylor _needs_ , her mother will help her figure out what that is. Taylor is vulnerable when she’s confused. She just needs the extra push.” 

“ _She’s lucky to have you, Karlie. Let’s hope this goes the right way._ " 

…

The singer wakes up the next morning to find Karlie staring at her. 

“Jesus,” She mutters sleepily. “That’s kinda creepy.”

Karlie smiles. “Sorry. You’re a pretty girl.” 

“Are you drunk?” Taylor laughed, rolling over to kiss her. 

“What?” Karlie grinned. “I can’t compliment my girlfriend without being drunk?”

There’s a moment of silence. 

“I’m having flashbacks to the other night.” She confesses.

“Oh, babe,” Karlie sits up, guilt washing over her face. They’d talked it out the night before over a glass of wine, but the tension was still there. “I’m so sorry.” 

“No, don’t,” Taylor shook her head. “I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s wasn't even your fault.” She promises. “It’s just… well, it’s always going to be difficult, right? We have to be careful." 

“Right,” Karlie agreed, and pulled Taylor even closer. “C’mere, now. Let's be careful to not catch a cold. It’s freezing.” 

So they cuddle in bed for a half hour, which leads to something else entirely, and then it’s time for breakfast by the window. They drink coffee as the morning sun washes over Tribeca. It’s almost normal. 

Almost. 

… 

Andrea is set to arrive later that afternoon, and Taylor is arguing with Brandon about picking her up at the airport. The problem? She wants Karlie with her, and well, that wasn’t allowed. Not a lot was. 

“I don’t know what to tell you.” The ex-marine stood tall over the girl. “It’s not easily explained, and that’s all management cares about.”

“She won’t even get out of the car." Taylor fired back. "No one would see her! And you don't answer to management." She warned. "So don't pull that shit on me.”

“Regulation requires you to go through security to meet a passenger at their gate.” Brandon stated calmly, clearly unfazed. "I'm sorry, Taylor." 

“But-”

"No ma'am." The bodyguard cuts her off. "Why would Karlie even be with you? Everyone thinks she's still in Paris. It doesn’t make any sense. Take it up with Tree, otherwise it's gonna be just us two.” 

“Taylor, I’ll be fine here.” Karlie promised, emerging from the kitchen with a bowl of cookie dough. “Honestly, I’m just baking. You go and get her, okay? Tell her I can’t wait to see her.”

Taylor glares at Brandon, not taking her eyes off of him as she answers Karlie. 

“Fine.”

It seemed that was how a lot of conversations were ended each day. Everything was “fine”, even if it was far from it. 

A slamming door echoes through their apartment as Taylor leaves, and the model lets out a breath she feels like she’s been holding in all morning. 

They had to fix this. Somehow.


	3. Chapter 3

Andrea arrived with Taylor a few hours later, and Karlie was relieved to see the women laughing as they entered the apartment.

“Karlie!” Andrea cried, rushing towards the girl. “Oh, my darling, how are you? You’ve grown a foot!”

Taylor smiled from behind her. “She’s taller everyday.” 

Andrea released Karlie a moment later, still studying her carefully. “Well, she’s still as gorgeous as ever. You really did pick the best one.” She told Taylor.

“Mom,” Taylor complained. “Stop saying that.” 

Karlie waved it off, blushing a little. “You’re always too kind, Andrea. Thank you.”

The three of them eat dinner together and Andrea retreats to her bedroom around ten, leaving the girls together in the candlelight on the couch. 

“I’m so glad she’s home.” Taylor sighs, burrowing into Karlie’s arms. 

“Well,” Karlie kissed her forehead, making Taylor giggle. “I’m glad that you’re glad.” 

… 

They move to the master bedroom much later. Taylor is slightly drunk and giggly, and she collapses onto the mattress. 

"Shh, babe." Karlie can't stop laughing. "You're going wake her up!" 

“We should go somewhere together.” Taylor gasped, her eyes sparkling with excitement. 

“You’re so adorable when you’re drunk.”

“No,” Taylor slurred, rolling over closer to Karlie. “I mean it. We should move.”

"Oh yeah?" Karlie decided to play along, anything to appease her girl. “And where exactly are we moving?”

“London!” Taylor sang, grinning widely. “No one would _ever_ find us there. The paparazzi are sooo much nicer.” She dragged out her words. “It’s perfect.” 

Karlie froze for a moment. It was an idea, and a good one at that, though Taylor was too out of it to realize. Considering how often she was in London for photo shoots and fashion shows, they could easily explain their constant public outings. There was a glimmer of hope, deep in her heart. It hurt how much she wanted it. 

“Karlie.” Taylor whined, interrupting her thoughts. “Off please? The light hurts.”

The model reached quickly for the bedside table to flick it off.

“Come here, sweetheart," She whispers and pulls the girl under the covers. “Let’s go to bed.”

And while Taylor drifted off quickly, Karlie was up into the early hours thinking about London. About what their lives would look like if they weren’t constantly watched. About freedom. 

… 

Last to sleep and first to wake, as always. Karlie opens her eyes at 6:30 am, still not fully adjusted to U.S. time. Fuckin’ fashion week. It had been five days, for christ's sake. 

Not wanting to wake Taylor, she carefully untangled herself from the girl and crept out of bed. Karlie spent a good minute opening the door. The apartment was old and nothing was properly oiled. The hinges still creaked every now and then. Actually, it was something she loved most about the place. The first night she’d spent here the heating vents rattled for hours on end and it scared her. Taylor found it hilarious. Nearly four years later, she’d grown to love the little things that made it feel like home. 

She padded off barefoot towards the kitchen, but she wasn’t alone. She found Andrea sitting at the coffee table with a mug in her hand. 

“Good morning.” Karlie said quietly, walking carefully across the floors. 

The woman startled for a moment. “Oh! Good morning.”

“Do you mind?” The model gestured to the empty chair. 

“Not at all,” Andrea patted the spot. “Come and join me.”

So over some strong coffee, the two women chat. They discuss much more than Karlie expected, at least once they'd broken through the small talk, and she learns more and more about the woman and her daughter. Andrea shares childhood memories of Taylor that make her heart melt.

But at a certain point, Andrea’s tone grows more serious. 

“I’ve been meaning to ask something.” She confesses, and Karlie’s stomach twists. “Everything is different here, in New York, and I was wondering…” 

“Ask away.” Karlie tried to smile. “I’ll answer whatever I can.”

“Does Taylor panic ever with the crowds? She’s claustrophobic, you know. I worry about how tight security is. And the fans…” 

“I know.” Karlie nodded. “And yes, occasionally it can get scary. I’m not sure if you've seen any videos of paparazzi or the mobs, but, well, it's chaotic and I’m not always there." She frowns at the thought. "Taylor lets me know if something really rattles her, she always does.” 

Andrea took a deep breath. 

“I guess that’s okay. And she’s better afterwards?”

“Almost always.” Karlie promised. “Sometimes she does get upset and there’s crying, but it doesn’t last very long. She just needs a minute or two to let it out. After that she's fine." 

Karlie’s suddenly hyper-aware that this may not be something Taylor’s told her mother. 

“I’m not oversharing, am I? I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable if Taylor hasn’t brought it up-”

“It’s fine.” Andrea waves her off. “Taylor’s stubborn, she always has been.” 

Somehow, that made Karlie feel guiltier telling her all these things.

“Well, nothing serious will ever happen without someone telling you.” 

“That’s all I need to know.” The older woman answered, this time with a more genuine smile on her lips. “Thank you for treating my baby girl right.”

“I…” Karlie stammered. “Well, of course.” She exhaled, her anxiety fading as the mother brought her into a hug. “Always.” 

…

Karlie moves towards the stove for oatmeal. When she returns Andrea is nodding towards the hallway. Taylor's awake. 

“Hi, baby.” Karlie smiled at Taylor as she enters the kitchen. “You slept in.” 

“Morning.” The girl rasps, rubbing at her eyes. "Mom?"

Karlie smirks as the girl freezes, looking between her girlfriend and her mother. Karlie shakes her head. No, Andrea doesn’t know she’s hungover. 

“...Hi, Mom.”

“Hi, love.” Andrea returned, rising from her chair. “I’ll hop in the shower, if that’s alright?”

“Of course.” Both girls said in unison.

The older woman stepped rather hurriedly out of the room. The tension dissolved instantaneously. Taylor’s shoulders deflated now the two of them were alone. 

“Oh, thank god.”

“Taylor,” Karlie frowned. “You need to talk to her. You can't call her in a panic and then not tell her what's going on.” 

“I will.” Taylor promised, rubbing a hand over her face in frustration. “I've been meaning to, I just, _fuck_.” She shakes her head. “I don’t know how to act around her anymore. Did you see how fast she left the room? She’s normally so suffocating!”

"She's terrified that you're about to lose it. You don't normally beg her to come visit."

"Well, that's completely-"

“She loves you to pieces.” Karlie reminded gently. “And if you must know, I had a very heart-warming conversation with her earlier.” 

“Did you?” Taylor raised an eyebrow. “Well, geez, now I feel bad.”

“Mm.” Karlie chuckled, pulling the girl to her side. “Your voice is scary. Does your throat hurt?”

Taylor groaned. 

“I’ll take that as a yes.” The model grabbed a piece of toast. “Off we go.” 

And so the two trekked down the hall to the bedroom for a breathing treatment with the humidifier mask. _Better to solve a problem before it became worse._ Karlie thought, London still in the back of her mind.


	4. Chapter 4

“I already said we weren’t going to talk about it,” Taylor growled. “Now drop it.”

Her mother presses her lips together. “I'd like you to let me finish. Please.” 

Taylor stops pacing for a moment. Reluctantly, she takes her seat on the couch. Her lips are wine-stained and she’s flustered, a million thoughts circuiting her brain. This wasn’t something she was prepared to discuss. Taylor felt cornered. She never liked that feeling. It reminded her of the interviews of her youth, and how after five or six segments she realized the anchors didn't really care what she had to say. They just wanted their scoop. She'd learned quickly to sidestep the sensitive questions. 

“Now, why exactly is this so hard for you to talk about?”

Taylor exhaled in frustration. “Well, maybe because I don’t know what else to do, Mom. I’ve always ignored it. I’ve always avoided it, the both of us have. Our situation - it’s not easily fixed, and we don’t like to acknowledge how broken the predicament is.”  
She took a deep breath.  
“When I… decided that I wanted to love someone again after Dianna, I swore that I wouldn’t focus on the actual problem." She swallowed hard, working up her nerve. "I swore that i’d try to stay normal and just _love_ , because that was hard enough, and I needed that. I _love_ Karlie.” Taylor emphasized.  
“More than I can even explain to you, Mom, but we prioritize the positive things first. Always. We decided on that as a couple a long time ago, so i’d appreciate it if you didn’t bring up the problems so much.”

“If you’re talking about the record deal, you were _sixteen years old_ and we had to be careful. God knows you wouldn’t have stood a chance-”

“Mom!” Taylor gasped, her voice an octave higher than when she started. “What on earth don’t you understand about dropping it? Please don’t make me talk about it anymore. I don’t want to cry.” 

They sit in silence for a moment. Taylor hugs her knees to her chest, struggling not to break. She won’t. Not here. Not in their home, not in front of her mother. 

“I just need you to understand that it wasn’t what I wanted.” Her mother told her. “I wanted you to be _happy _, for god’s sake, but then we realized what being honest meant in the industry...” She faltered off. “Of course we had to focus on protecting you. That was the only thing that mattered.”__

__“I just sometimes wish that I could take it all back.”_ _

__“Taylor,” Andrea chided. “How would you have met Karlie?”_ _

__The singer swallowed hard, her eyes moving to the floor as she processed that information. It hurt. Either way it hurt._ _

__“I feel like,” Her voice broke. “I think I’m letting her down, Mom.”_ _

__“That’s complete nonsense.” Andrea waved her hands as if to banish the girl’s worries. “If you haven’t noticed, that girl you love worships the very ground you walk on. She wouldn’t still be here if you were letting her down.”_ _

__“My life, my choices, they affect everyone I love.”_ _

__“As they always have,” She agreed. “And yet, you are still madly in love with her,” Andrea pointed out. “I think the two of you are doing just fine.”_ _

__Taylor took another sip of wine and gave her a watery smile. “Damn. How do you put up with me?”_ _

__Andrea shook her head in disbelief. “Good lord. Enough of the wine.” She teased. “Really? You’re my baby. It’s what I signed up for.”_ _

__So Taylor lets herself cry, but they are happy tears. She’s feeling something she hasn’t felt in a long time: safety. Letting out her frustrations, her explanations for this whole mess, it helped.  
She’ll talk to Karlie. She has to. The two of them will talk out everything that needs to happen so that the two of them can breathe a little easier.  
Because as far as she was concerned, all that mattered was taking it one step at a time. 

__…_ _

__Andrea leaves the next day. Taylor and her spend a few more hours discussing her anxiety and the effects of it on her and Karlie’s relationship. In the end, Andrea reminded her daughter the only thing that could help was open communication._ _

__“If it gets worse, tell me,” She begged. “I’ve got nothing better to do. I’ll gladly fly up and do puzzles with the both of you for the entire summer. We can throw a party! We’ll drink wine with the cats all day.”_ _

__The girls laugh, they are holding hands as they walk the woman down to the lobby. Karlie told Taylor earlier that morning she needed that, the holding hands. Especially because no one could see it._ _

__“Be safe, be smart, and wear sunscreen.” Andrea tells Taylor._ _

__“Love you, Mom.” The singer chokes out. “So much. Thank you for coming all the way up here.”_ _

__“My goodness, don’t cry, Taffy,” Andrea reaches out to swipe under her daughter’s eyes. “And you,” She turns her gaze to Karlie. “The same goes for you. Both of you, be there for eachother. It will get easier. I promise”_ _

__“I hope so.” Taylor says quietly, and Karlie squeezes her hand even harder._ _


	5. Chapter 5

Karlie gets home late the next day, near midnight with her mascara running from the rain and an ungodly amount of hairspray in her hair. She felt defeated. It had been a rough day, with schedule changes and missing clothes and an increasingly suffocating prep team. She’d felt like a doll throughout the whole process, shoved into costumes that didn’t fit and forced to play out scenarios that would never be real. 

She unlocks the door to find Taylor standing in the middle of the living room. She’s wringing her hands, wearing only Karlie’s favorite sweater and mismatched socks. She looks like she hasn’t slept all day. Her hair is in golden tangles around her face. 

There is a moment of trepidation, because Karlie’s been waiting for this. For the breakdown. The anxiety that had become too much. Was this what they were all anticipating? She can feel her heart dropping to her stomach. 

“Taylor?” Karlie called out to her. “What’s wrong? What are you still doing up?”

The girl whirled around to face her, eyes widening in surprise. 

“I wrote you a song.” She blurted out. 

Karlie felt the anxiety vanish, replaced with confusion. “What?”

“I know.” Taylor let out a nervous laugh. “...Do you want to hear it?”

But Karlie can’t answer her, because she’s already running across the floor to envelope her girlfriend in the tightest hug she can muster. She peppers little kisses all over her face and Taylor shrieks with delight.

“Are you kidding me?” - She moves to her neck - “Of _course_ I want to hear it!” - She moves to Taylor’s favorite spot behind her ear - “My beautiful, silly, _talented_ girl wrote me a song. I want to hear it now!” 

So Taylor, blushing furiously, takes Karlie’s hand and leads her into the studio. 

… 

“I’m a little nervous.” Taylor confesses, sitting down at her piano. 

Karlie surveys the area. There are wadded up pieces of paper, a few bottles of water, a metronome, and probably fifty bobby pins on the floor. It looked like Taylor had been working all day. 

“It’s just me, daisy.” Karlie soothed, smiling gently at the girl. Taylor grins at the mention of her nickname. “Go whenever you’re ready.” 

So the singer takes a deep breath and puts her hands on the keys. 

“It doesn’t have a name yet.” She warns as she plays the starting chords. “It’s not close to being finished, either, so, just work with me.” 

“Taylor,” Karlie laughed. “Sing. I want to hear it!”

But Karlie isn’t ready, not by any means, when Taylor starts to sing. Her voice is light and sweet, the words rolling off her tongue like honey. The notes are practically floating from the piano, high above to the rafters of the ceiling. 

_There’s glitter on the floor after the party,_  
_girl’s carrying their shoes down from the lobby_  
_Candle wax and polaroids on the hardwood floor_  
_You and me from the night before, but…_

And in moments, Karlie is transported back to that night. To New Year’s Eve in this very apartment, the party, their friends, _the glitter on the floor_. She’s standing in their living room again and holding Taylor’s hand, raising a champagne glass to the year they’d had. 

_Don’t read the last page_  
_But I stay when you’re lost and i’m scared and you’re turning away_  
_I want your midnights_  
_But i’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day_

She remembers the fireworks. The barbecue. The broken glasses and the music, the drunk singing and the laughter. God, Taylor laughing was one of her favorite sounds in the world. Taylor prancing about in her little romper that fit her in just the right places. Her scarlet lips and lined eyes, and how they lit up when Karlie walked into the room. She remembers the butterflies in her stomach, because no one knew what was happening between them. 

Karlie told Taylor she loved her on the balcony just before midnight. 

She remembers that day and how far they’ve come and how everything they had started after that night. 

And she bursts into tears. 

Taylor freezes.

“No,” Karlie choked out, hiccuping a little. “I’m sorry, keep going. I’m okay” 

_You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi_  
_I can tell that it's going to be a long road_   
_I'll be there through the toast of the town bay..._   
_Or if you strike out and you're crawling home_

The memories come flooding back. Their secret signals in the cabs, the cars, the vans that shielded their secret from rest of the world. The late night fights and city sights, the desperation and the _we can’t keep doing this anymore_ , but they did. They do. She can feel it, how nervous she was in St. Louis giving that toast. Her whole town was there and so was Taylor, wearing a ridiculous sun hat that concealed her whole face. She remembers how they destroyed their hotel room after that speech because Taylor was so _proud_ of her baby that she had to prove it. She can feel the marks left that were covered with layers of foundation. 

_Don't read the last page_  
_But I stay when it's hard or it’s wrong or you’re making mistakes_  
_I want your midnights_  
_But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day_  
_Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you_  
_Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you_  
_Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you_  
_And I will hold on to you_

Taylor’s voice wavers on the last note, and then she smiles are her girlfriend, tears running down her cheeks.

“It’s what I have so far.”

“So far?? That is,” Karlie lets out another sob. “The most _beautiful_ song you have ever written. I… it’s really for me?” 

Taylor nods. Karlie can’t even process what’s happening, she’s so happy. 

The model’s whole body trembles and she wipes at her eyes, further destroying the mascara. “I… I don’t even deserve you.” 

And Taylor crushes her into a hug, sobbing into her chest because it’s the most emotionally honest she’s ever written, the realest song she’s ever written, and it hurts how much they love each other. 

They fall asleep there, tangled on the floor, not wanting to move because they hold onto this moment, the energy in that room, it’s not something either of them want to ever forget. 

For the first time in months, Karlie falls asleep without any problem.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, writing that last bit made me emotional, haha. Here's something a little more serious, but it ends in a sweet moment :) 
> 
> \- J

“I loved the song you wrote me.” Karlie told her quietly the next morning. “And I meant everything I said, but we still need to talk.” She paused. “Are you okay with that?”

They are still tangled under a blanket on the carpet, surrounded by crumpled lyric papers. Taylor nods, staring right at her but not saying anything. She doesn’t need to. They shared the mutual understanding that something was off balance. 

“Tonight?”

“Tonight.” The singer agreed, her voice worn from the night before. “I’ll make dinner. We’ll stay in.”

Karlie leans in for a kiss. It’s a sweet moment they share this way, each morning. Taylor wants more but Karlie pulls away, studying her carefully. 

“This changes nothing.” She reassures. “Okay? I need you to understand that. We have problems, but they don’t define us.”

“I love you to the moon and back.” Taylor mumbles shyly.

Karlie hooks her fingers under the girl’s chin, lifting her face gently.

“Say it to my face, daisy.” 

The girl blushes deeply. “I love you to the moon and back.”

“And I, you.” Karlie declares. “To the stars.” 

And they go to work, each of them writing out what needed to be said in their minds. 

… 

It wasn’t until after dinner that they were ready. It was a fantastic meal, Taylor outdid herself once again, but they found it difficult to make conversation. Both of their heads were elsewhere. 

They’d cleared away the plates, wiped down the table, grabbed a few glasses of Sauvignon blanc, and now they were sat across from each other. Both were nervous. It was an odd mimicking of their first date, to be honest. Four years ago they’d been in the same position at this very table, but feeling something else entirely. 

“Right,” Karlie said quietly. “Are you okay to start?”

“I’m okay.” Taylor straightened, taking a deep breath. “Who wants to go first?” 

So they start. It’s hard at first, each of them are desperate to talk, desperate to bare their feelings and be heard. But much like a broken tap, it floods out into the open. It doesn’t make sense in the least, but they purge themselves of every doubt, every miscommunication, every nagging fear in the back of their minds. It’s freedom. 

“...Karlie, I can’t keep forcing you into these situations. It’s not fair.” 

“Well, I hate when Tree talks about us like we're a liability or a fuckin’ _grenade_ about to explode. We’re not. We’re in a horrible situation, I agree, but we’re not some headline the journalists can slap on a newspaper!” 

They discuss Taylor’s career,

“-And I don’t want to write songs like this, covering up every little detail that could get us caught, it’s maddening, it’s not authentic-”

And Karlie’s,

“...Not to mention how it makes me feel! I can’t act like everything’s fine when it’s not.” 

“You shouldn’t have to.” Taylor declares, downing her glass of wine. “It’s ridiculous.” 

And the price of fame. 

“My anxiety is through the roof every time I see someone with a camera. I feel like people watch us everywhere we go, like they know all our secrets..”

“Our lives and happiness should be something we can control!”

Taylor laughs a little, a sad smile overtaking her features. 

“Oh Karlie, baby girl, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell people my whole life.” 

It’s an endless stream of problems and solutions, and there are so many things that they want. They crave these things, nearly as much as they crave their freedom. 

They pause. They breathe. They continue. 

Karlie pours herself a larger glass of wine. It’s getting late. 

“Can we talk about Dianna?”

Taylor noticeably stiffens, her fingers fidgeting around the bracelet she always wears. “What do you want to know?”

“Taylor,” Karlie says. “You and her were very happy together. You weren’t working so hard to hide things. I want to know what that was like for you.” 

“That’s not true.” Taylor is suddenly angry, her eyes hardening. “You knew what we went through. It wasn’t easy, it _never_ was-”

“Taylor,” Karlie soothes, attempting to calm her down. “Sweetheart, I’m not saying it was perfect.” She studies the girl, trying to read her expression. “But it was pretty close, right?” 

“ _You’re_ perfect.” Taylor’s voice cracks, barely above a whisper. “I don’t need to talk about what happened with her. The only thing that matters to me is you.”

Karlie pulls away, startled by her sudden honesty. “You mean that, don’t you?”

The singers scoffs. “Christ. Yes, I mean it, Karlie. You’re my life. You’re all that I care about, and that’s why we’re bearing our souls to each other at one in the morning.” 

Well, she can raise a glass to that.

… 

It’s not fixed. Not at all. They both know that will take time, but it makes it a little easier. Some of the weight is lifted. 

Taylor is giddy as they make their way to the bedroom, this time driven by passion, not alcohol. A sense of freedom runs through their veins, electrifying both girl’s bodies. They are as excited as they were four years ago, when everything was new and they had everything to lose. 

“You’re all I want too,” Karlie declares, rocking up against her body. “Okay? No take backs.”

“Yes,” Taylor gasps as Karlie presses her lips to her neck. “N-no take backs, none at all.” 

While Karlie marks Taylor, leaving lipstick in places the cameras will never see, Taylor can't help but realize how incredible it was to be there. In that moment. Because this was their life. These were their wonderful, fateful, beautiful mistakes. 

They’re about to start a fire with this love and when they’re done, the whole world will be wondering how it was a secret to begin with. 

To hell with all the hiding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? Comment below :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Anxiety attack. 
> 
> I promise you will read some happier stuff soon! These girl's are having a rough time, aren't they? :(

Taylor has an anxiety disorder. Karlie knew this. She’d known about it for nearly four years now, and she’d helped Taylor through each attack. That didn’t matter. There had been dozens in the last year and each one was just as scary as the last. 

Because you never knew when it could happen. The attacks had happened in their home, a restaurant, the middle of the street, a plane (Only once. Taylor took sleeping pills now to avoid further episodes), actually, it was a miracle it hadn’t happened on stage yet. 

Karlie was trained to handle it. She went to therapy with Taylor. She was always supportive and patient. 

So when her girlfriend startles awake at four in the morning with her whole body trembling and her eyes wide in fear Karlie knows exactly what it means. And she’s fuckin’ terrified. 

“Taylor?” She’s helping the girl up into a sitting position and struggling to stay calm. “Look at me.” She grabs firmly at the Taylor’s shoulders. “Can you tell me what you need?”

Jesus, her heart is beating so fast. Karlie couldn’t panic. Focus. She can feel Taylor’s pulse through her grip, adrenaline coursing through the girl’s veins. What does she need?

She needs to calm down. She needs to slow her breathing. 

Most of the time, Taylor can’t even talk. Sometimes she talks so fast Karlie can’t understand a word she’s saying. Occasionally she’ll burst into tears, which is terrifying. None of that happens. 

She starts to hyperventilate.

“Oh, fuck.” Karlie whirls around and reaches for the nightstand lamp. She flicks the switch on, illuminating them in a soft glow. “Taylor? We’re gonna be okay. Can you hear me?” 

She’s looking frantically around the room. Where was the relief inhaler? Where did they put it? 

Fear settles like ice water over Karlie. It wasn’t here. They’d left it in Nashville. She knows exactly where it is, sitting on top of the vanity table in the corner of their bedroom. 

Taylor’s whole body is still shaking. 

_Fuck. Think, Karlie. Think._

“We’re going to breathe together.” Karlie tells Taylor, lifting her easily into her lap. “You remember how that works, right? We’re going to count it out.” 

_Repetition, Reminders, Reassurance._ It’s circuiting her brain, the steps she needs to follow, but it feels like they’re all jumbling together. _Reassurance, Reminders, Repetition._

_No. One more. What was it?_

 

It doesn’t matter, because all of sudden it’s over, and Taylor’s quickened breathing slows to reveal tears. They track down her cheeks, soaking her shirt below. 

“There, it’s all over,” Karlie soothes. "We're done, you're okay-"

Taylor cries out, starting to sob. 

“Oh, daisy, love.” Karlie pulls her closer to her chest. “Shh, it’s all over. You were so brave.” 

Taylor struggles against her hold and tries to turn away, holding a sob in her throat. It nearly bubbles out and she chokes a little, drowning out the noise with a whimper. 

“I’m sorry.” Taylor lets out a dry sob, hiccuping a little. “I’m - sorry. It - keeps happening. Fuck.” 

 

Karlie’s ready to chide her for apologizing but Taylor’s face twists in pain and instead she pulls away, concerned her grip is too tight. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Just… nauseous,” Taylor admitted, looking pale now. “I-” She trailed off, grimacing again. 

“If you’re going to throw up, tell me.” Karlie said seriously. “Should we go sit in the bathroom?”

“Mm.” Taylor nodded, still unable to speak. 

“Okay,” Karlie helped her out of bed. “You’re okay, babe. I’ve got you.” 

… 

Taylor and Karlie spend the next two hours in the bathroom. Taylor cries through most of it, and as most of her attacks go, she cycles between wanting Karlie by her side and wanting her as far away as possible. Karlie stays patient. She goes when asked and comes back when called for. She reminds Taylor how proud she is, how strong she’s being, how it’s going to pass soon, and they get through it. Together. 

They retreat to the bedroom around six am, and Taylor refuses to sleep without Karlie holding her. 

Well, Karlie can’t say no to that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Stay tuned for some cute fluff next time around!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Something more lighthearted (I think)

Karlie always respected the fact Taylor didn’t want to talk about it. She rarely did. It had always been that way. Occasionally, songwriting helped, but often Taylor showed no interest towards the studio the morning after. Karlie didn’t push. She stayed patient. Taylor would let her know what was happening in her head soon enough. 

But no one went into battle without their secret weapon, and right now, the girl would stay quiet. 

This Karlie knew when she woke to an empty bed, tracked down the hall, and found Taylor at the window seat, fixated on the streets below. 

They eat breakfast later that morning in silence, with Taylor pushing her food around the plate. 

She tossed her fork aside in frustration. “This is gross. I don’t even _like_ oranges.” 

Karlie swallowed a mouthful of scrambled eggs and her annoyance at Taylor’s rude comments. 

“Okay. Do you want something else?” 

There is a moment of silence. Taylor stands suddenly from the table, her chair scraping underneath her on the tile.

“If we’re going to fight about this, at least let _me_ finish eating.” Karlie snapped. She was quickly losing her patience. The girl had been grumpy all morning, moping about and scarcely acknowledging her presence. Karlie herself was exhausted and considering everything that had happened last night, she felt especially neglected by Taylor. 

But Taylor isn’t leaving because she’s upset. Far from that, actually. Karlie looks up to realize the girl is wringing her hands again, looking nervously about the room. She’s got the same expression on that she did last night. Karlie's anger vanished and she freezes, unsure of what was about to happen. 

“I need to be alone right now.” Taylor said quietly, still not meeting Karlie’s eyes. “It’s not about you, it’s not about us, I just…” She trailed off, flushing in embarrassment. “I just can’t do this right now, K. I’m sorry.” 

Everything was coming together now, the girl’s reluctance to talk, her mood, her frustrations about little things. She was clearly writing a song in her head. She didn’t want to talk because all she could think about was singing. Last night had triggered inspiration, no doubt. It wasn’t the first time Taylor had written about an attack. 

Karlie studied the girl, her heart breaking a little when Taylor hung her head further in shame. 

“Sweetheart, look at me.” She requested. “Do you want to call Jack?” 

Taylor’s eyes widened in surprise. She nodded, dropping the sleeve she was twisting nervously in her hands. 

“Go call him.” Karlie urged. “You need someone who speaks your language right now. I’d help if I could, but honestly, I don’t know a damn thing about music.” 

“I love you!” Was Taylor’s answer as she ran to the studio to call her producer. Her spirits were high, her head already full of melodic arrangements and vocal backings. It would be a busy day. 

Karlie smirked a little. She loved one beautifully complicated girl, didn’t she? 

…. 

It wasn’t until much later over lunch that Taylor apologized for her behaviour.

“It was completely immature,” She told Karlie. “I feel like that always happens and it’s not fair to you - everything that’s been going on. We’re partners,” She emphasized. “We’re _equal_. It’s not your job to throw everything aside. We’re both better than that, we should help each other, not monopolize one side-” 

“Tay, love,” Karlie interrupted. “I’m sorry if you feel like you’ve been hogging the spotlight, but it’s absolutely my job. And it’s not like I’m always doing it.” She laughed. “What about the entire Vogue fiasco?”

Taylor remembers a month back. It was hell on earth seeing Karlie like that, forced into such a grueling contract without any choice. Her agent had decided against their wishes to go through with it. For _publicity_ , no less, to better “both of their images for an indefinite amount of time”.

Karlie had to pose naked with a male model. Taylor never saw the pictures. Karlie made it clear that she never wanted Taylor to. Karlie had felt conflicted for weeks on end, struggling internally with the decision she’d made, or rather, been forced to. 

“You were there for me.” Karlie reminded her. “When I was a mess, hysterical and panicking about how ridiculous it all was. I felt vulnerable and alone and you sat on the floor and held me, the same way I did for you last night.” She paused, suddenly more serious. “I’ll always do that for you, Daisy. Okay?” 

Taylor nodded, swallowing hard. 

“You had a really serious anxiety attack-”

Taylor stiffened at the mention of it. 

“You did,” Karlie reasoned. “And you were upset and tired this morning. It’s perfectly normal.”

Taylor cocked her head to one side, studying her girlfriend. A smile tugged at her lips. 

“What?” 

“Oh nothing, i’m just wondering how I got so damn lucky.”

Karlie smirked. “Please. The pleasure is all mine, Swift.”

“Yeah?” Taylor flirted, moving closer to her. “Well, maybe I can show you a little something about pleasure...”

“Taylor!” Karlie shrieked as the girl urged her onto the kitchen island. “No! It’s so unsanitary!” 

“Fuck sanitation.” Taylor declared, mounting her girlfriend with a mischievous glint in her eye. “I need to show a certain someone how important they are to me.”

She leaned down, brushing her lips against Karlie’s ear. 

“Or rather, how important we are to each other.” She whispered, her free hand tracing down Karlie’s waist. Karlie shivered in anticipation. “We need each other, don’t we?” 

“Yes,” Karlie murmured. “I need you… need you now.”

“You’ve got me, baby.” 

So Taylor makes sure to give Karlie exactly what she needs. They may need to clean off the counter later… but honestly, who cares?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of a longer chapter this time! I'm almost off for school. I can't wait to be home with family and friends. Hope you all enjoy this chapter! 
> 
> \- J xx

Karlie was having a bad day. On top of the delayed flights, the constant calls from her agent, Taylor’s numerous text messages asking _where are you_ , she now found herself stuck in a Starbucks. She hated being late, but security needed their ‘cup of joe.’

It was ridiculous. 

Karlie was _one block_ from their apartment in Tribeca, but the two men who’d picked her and Brandon up from the airport were more concerned with their coffee than her schedule. 

And now they were going for seconds. Karlie looked desperately towards Brandon. The ex-marine was just finishing his coffee. 

“This is insane,” She whispered. “Who are these guys? Are they part of the new team?” 

“No idea,” Brandon studied the two men from where they sat in the booth. “But I don’t like them. I told Tree I didn’t like them. She must’ve hired them last week.” 

“She doesn’t care,” Karlie muttered, taking a sip of her own latte. “She never does.”

“Look,” Brandon nodded. “I think they’re coming over.” 

Indeed, it seemed the new pair of bodyguards were making their way back. 

“Finally.” Karlie grabbed her purse, looking at the men. “Let’s go.” 

“There’s reports of photographers.” One of them told her. “You’re not going anywhere, ma’am.” 

Oh no, that was it. Karlie leveled with the security guard, drawing herself up to her full height.

“Let me make something _abundantly_ clear.” She growled. “I’ve been playing hide and seek with photographers a hell of a lot longer than you have.” She pointed angrily to the streets outside. “So I am walking up to my doorstep with or without you. I’ve waited long enough.” 

“Karlie-” The other said. 

“It’s Miss Kloss.” She snapped, her voice growing louder with each word. “Have the decency to address me correctly. _We are not friends_.” She emphasized. “I’ll be talking to my partner about this behavior.” In her peripheral vision, she could swear Brandon was smirking at the men. “...It’s unprofessional, to say the least.” 

Next she stormed out of the building, cutting across the street and around the block rather swiftly in her heels. When she made it to their place she kept her head down, ignored the photographers, and buzzed herself in. 

No one but Brandon dared to follow her. Of course not. 

“Idiots.” She snapped when the two of them were safely inside. Brandon quickly locked the door behind them. “I can’t believe they talked to me that way...” She paused. 

The security guard was laughing. 

“Brandon?” 

“Oh, nothing.” Brandon answered, his shoulders still shaking. “Although, there may have been a call placed to management about them… _Miss Kloss_.” 

It was safe to say Karlie was smiling the entire elevator ride up. 

...

She wasn’t the only one. Taylor was shrieking with laughter back up in the apartment. “You did not say that to them!” 

“Um, no, I definitely did.”

“And Brandon was glaring at them? Was he giving them the death stare?”

“Yes, he was giving them the death stare.” Karlie replied. She blushed as Taylor continued to laugh. “Taylor! Can you stop laughing? I was pissed off!”

“If _Brandon_ was laughing, I definitely should be.” Taylor wiped at her eyes, still giggling a little. “My god, babe. You must have been really upset.” 

Karlie frowned, feeling embarrassed now. “Stop it! It was a bad idea, and now Tree’s gonna have a aneurysm.” 

Taylor’s laughter stopped abruptly, her smile vanished. “You know I could care less about that.” 

“Taylor, really. She’s going to get us back for that.” Karlie pointed out. “I went directly against the plan. She’ll be pissed.” 

“To hell with the plan.” Taylor scoffed. “It’s not like you went rogue. Brandon was with you. If she can’t hire professional bodyguards she doesn’t deserve my attention. Actually, until she does her job I’m not talking to her.” She declared.

Karlie laughed at that, leaning back on the couch. “It’s not fair game, to be honest. No one can top Brandon.”

Taylor raised an imaginary glass. “Indeed. There’s no one like him.” 

… 

Later that evening, Karlie knocks on the studio door.

“Babe?”

There is a clashing of drums and then abrupt silence. Someone turns off a looping track. Taylor pokes her head through the door, eyes shining with excitement. 

“Yeah?” 

“Sorry, I didn’t realize you were still recording. Can I talk to you when you have a second?” 

Taylor goes back into the room for a moment. Karlie waves at Jack. 

“We’re almost done. Can you wait twenty minutes?” 

“Sure.” Karlie replied. “How’s it going in there?”

Taylor smiles widely, bouncing with excitement. “It’s insane! I’m so fuckin’ excited about this record.”

Karlie leans in and kisses her cheek. “I can’t wait to hear the rest of it, Daisy.”

Taylor stands there for a moment in silence, blushing at her girlfriend. Karlie found it incredibly endearing that she still made Taylor blush. Everytime it happened she flashed back to their first date when they were both nervous and giggly, flirting with nothing to lose and slightly drunk.

“Okay, go, go.” Karlie shooed her back into the room. “Finish the song. I’ll wait in the bedroom.”

Taylor smirks, raising an eyebrow. 

Karlie snickers. “You wish. Actually, meet me in the living room.”

Taylor pretends to pout. 

And that was that. Taylor retreated back to songwriting haven while Karlie pulled out her laptop, reviewing headshots from her photoshoot in Calabasas earlier that week.

… 

Nearly half an hour had passed, and Karlie heard the front door open and close. She was tempted to get up and say goodbye to Jack, but with Meredith on her lap she didn’t dare move. 

Taylor’s footsteps grow louder as she enters the living room. 

“I’m exhausted.” She announces, flouncing onto the couch. Her eyes light up when she sees the pictures. “Ooh, are those from last week?” Her jaw drops. “You look gorgeous!”

Karlie slams the laptop shut. “Don’t look! They haven’t been edited yet.”

Taylor rolls her eyes, leaning over Karlie to retrieve the macbook. “Honestly, K. You think I care about that?”

Karlie resists the urge to grab it back as Taylor clicks through a few of them, hovering on one black and white print. 

The model looks at it and smirks. “I thought you might like that one.”

She was topless in the photo. They’d asked her to lie across a grand piano, wearing nothing but a pair of lace undies. Her long legs were twisted underneath her, one kicked out gracefully in the air. 

Taylor’s eyes haven’t left the screen. “...Um, yeah. Can I get this framed? Like, an early birthday present?” 

“Your birthday isn’t for six months.” 

“But-”

Karlie throws her hands up in mock defeat. “You know what? If you think of a place to put it that no one would ever find it, then sure.” 

Taylor looks up at Karlie. “Speaking of, what did you want to tell me?”

Karlie is suddenly nervous. What if Taylor didn’t want to move? What is she shut her down right away? 

“Babe?” Taylor’s still waiting. 

Karlie turns to face her, upsetting Meredith, who runs away. 

“I’ve been thinking a lot, because of everything. Do you remember how happy we were on the dude ranch?”

Taylor thinks back to their two-week anniversary trip in Massachusetts last year.

“...You want to buy a dude ranch?”

Karlie starts to laugh. 

“Of course not. I just want to be like that all the time, happy and not worrying about photographers or stalkers or anything.” 

“Okay, love, but that’s not realistic with our jobs. You know that.” Taylor was irritated now. How many times had they gone over this? 

“I’m not suggesting we both retire.”

“Then what-”

“I want to move.” Karlie finished for her, deciding to get to the point right away.

Taylor stares at her, eyes wide in shock. 

“You want to _move_? Karlie, where on earth would we move?”

“London.” Karlie answered, feeling more confident now. “I just, Tay, we would be able to do _so_ much more. Think about it, I'm always in London for shoots, and the paparazzi isn’t as intrusive, there’s not such an extensive fan base, and you’re taking time off anyways before this album cycle.”

“Yes.”

“And I think it’s fair for the both of us, it’s what we need and-” Karlie freezes. “Wait, what?”

Taylor’s nodding vigorously. “Yes!” 

Karlie shrieks with delight. “I… really?” She kisses Taylor firmly on the lips. “Babe, I’ve been trying to bring it up with you for weeks now.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me? I would’ve told you yes! It makes perfect sense!" 

“Are you sure?” Karie studied the girl. “You aren’t saying yes just because I want it?”

“Karlie, no. I’m tired of running and hiding just as much as you are. We need a change.”

“London?”

“London.” Taylor echoed, and then she gasped. “Babe! We can go stay with Louis and Harry while we look for apartments!”

 

Everything was falling into place. It felt right. It was right.

Karlie and Taylor smiled like idiots for the rest of their evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :) Stay tuned for more!


	10. Chapter 10

Unfortunately, before they could move to London, they had to actually visit England. To do that, they had to go to the airport. That meant leaving their apartment. Together. 

Tree was less than enthralled. 

“ _Listen to me_ ,” She was telling the both of them over speaker phone. “ _You aren’t walking out together. With all the stories circulating right now about the restaurant scene, it’s too risky_.”

Taylor rubs a hand over her face in frustration. “Tree, No. It’s going to happen. We’re not sitting in here and waiting for them to leave.” 

“ _I’ll tell you what’s not going to happen.” Their publicist growls. “You are not going to walk out their together with your luggage and get into the car together, because fans will follow you, photographers will follow you, and they will realize you’re going to the airport. Together._ ” 

“We’re taking a different route. It won’t look suspicious.” Karlie reasoned.

“ _Karlie, they will see you two together_.” Tree snapped. “ _God knows that’s enough_.”

… 

“What’s the plan?” Brandon wanted to know, moving quickly from the elevator towards the two girls. 

“I don't know what to do.” Taylor answered miserably. “They’re not usually this... _insistent_. Someone tipped them off.” 

The security glanced at a monitor that showed him what was outside. Sure enough, photographers were lining both sides of the doorstep, all the way to the street curb.

“Jesus,” He muttered. “Well, there's always plan Y.” 

He strode off for the door, Karlie pulled Taylor quickly out of sight as the cold air rushed inside. They waited silently for a moment. 

Karlie shivered, leaning against the girl. “Taylor, what’s plan Y? What is he talking about?”

Taylor sighed, shaking her head a little. “Honestly, I think it stands for “yelling”. 

When Karlie heard Brandon’s voice carrying from the street inside, she understood. 

"Oh."

"Mm." Taylor agreed. "He's committed, that's for sure." 

“There’s absolutely no reason for you guys to be here.” The man was yelling. “She’s not bloody here!”

They giggled at that. His accent grew thicker the more upset he became. He was quite the actor, playing the part of a disgruntled bodyguard, wanting nothing more than to be rid of his job guarding an empty apartment. 

“...She’s not in the country, she’s preparing for tour in the UK!”

“Man, c’mon.” One of the paps was saying. “We’re just trying to do our job here, one shot?”

“Your job, you piece of shit, is to leave.” He raised his voice even louder, no doubt addressing the whole posse of photographers. “That goes for the rest of you, c’mon now. I already said she wasn’t here, an’ this isn’t just her building, there are other tenants living here!”

He was back inside five minutes later, red-faced with anger and breathing hard. 

“Why don’t we do that every time?” Taylor laughed. “Thanks, B.” 

“You know why.” He told her, looking serious. “Between you and me, Tree hired those guys.” He pointed at Karlie. “An' she’s not a big fan of you.” 

The model rolled her eyes. “Yeah. Tell me something I don’t know.”

“I swear,” Taylor was cursing under her breath. “I should’ve fired her a long time ago.”

“That’ll make management happy.” Karlie commented sarcastically. “Let’s save the storm for after our trip, yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

The paps clear out after half an hour, and the girls sprint for the car, settling inside the dark windows with a sigh. 

“Alright,” Karlie looked at the singer. “Here we go. Are you ready for this?” 

Taylor grinned. “Always up for a challenge, aren’t I?”

Off they went. 

…

They made it to the airport just in time to take off, and right after Taylor took her anxiety pills, that was when Karlie realized it.

Taylor was running a fever. A high one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh... comment below and let me know how you're liking the story so far! 
> 
> \- J xx


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! A bit of a longer chapter for all of you. Thank you for the kudos and comments, you guys really keep me going :) 
> 
> \- J xx

Fortunately, with help from a few flight attendants and Brandon, Karlie was able to lower Taylor’s fever. Taylor admitted she was feeling nauseous before they got in the car, brushing it off as something she ate that morning. 

“Babe,” Karlie chided. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“I was fine before, honestly. It came on quickly.”

“I don’t think that’s true. What’s really going on?” 

Taylor looked down in embarrassment, not answering the question. 

“Taylor.” Karlie commanded. “Look at me, please. What’s going on?” 

“Stress fever…” Taylor mumbled, picking nervously at her nails. “It was a stress fever. I didn’t take the pills soon enough, I think.”

“Okay,” Karlie tells her quietly, and reaches over to stop her from destroying her nails. “Hey, you’re okay, Daisy. You can always tell me stuff like that.” 

It doesn’t surprise Taylor when Karlie takes her hand, it makes her guiltier. She hated how much Karlie had to deal with. 

Maybe living in London could change all that. 

Maybe. 

… 

“Karlie,” Taylor nudged the girl. “We’re almost here, wake up.”

The model’s eyelids fluttered and she slowly came around, squinting in the fluorescent light. 

“W-We’re here?”

Taylor chuckled at her raspy voice. Long-haul flights always managed to render the both of them defenseless. They’d be struggling with sniffles and headaches for a few days. 

“Yeah, baby. Almost.”

Karlie snuggled further into Taylor’s chest, groaning a little. Taylor pulled the blanket closer around her girl. Karlie shivered. 

“Karlie? C’mon, you can sleep in the car. It’ll be fine. We’ve got a little while to go.” 

“I can’t believe we’re doing this.” Karlie said, her words garbled by the fabric. “It’s so crazy.” 

“It’s so crazy,” Taylor echoed, turning her head to see the city lights of London down below. It was early morning there, around eight. 

“You know what though?”

“Hmm.” Karlie offered, still half-asleep. 

“It’s also so amazing. You had a fantastic idea, K.” 

Karlie mumbled something else, but Taylor didn’t understand, and when she asked the girl to repeat herself, she had fallen asleep again. 

… 

“Twenty minutes, ladies. “Brandon called. “We’re going in through the back entrance, so no need to rush.” 

Karlie was nervous, to say the least. They’d been in the car for nearly an hour and her stomach was still in knots. She was excited, but at the same time nauseous. That happened a lot - the nausea. It plagued the girl at all things of importance, award shows, fashion shows, family dinners, the lot. She’d learned to ignore it, nothing else really helped. So that’s what she was going to do, ignore it, because she’s so excited at the same time it’s hard to dwell on the bad. 

They were actually doing this. Talking about it was one thing, actually visiting the city and looking at apartments was something else entirely. She felt disoriented, she’d never viewed London as home, not until now.

Next to her, she knew Taylor was thinking the same thing. She’d been quiet the whole ride, mesmerized with the view out the window.

Karlie reached across the seat, searching for Taylor’s hand. Taylor grabbed back and squeezed three times, signalling their secret code.

_I_

_Love_

_You_

Karlie took a deep breath, calming her neves momentarily.

_I_

_Love_

_You_

Taylor giggled. “Well? Are you ready to see them?”

She meant Louis and Harry, of course. Karlie had never met Louis. Taylor had once, only at a party. They talked about Harry instead. 

“I haven’t seen Harry since the VS afterparty.” Karlie admitted. “That was almost three years ago.”

“I’ve only emailed with him. I see him around occasionally at the studios. I’ll go down and talk to Camilla or Ella and i’ll run into him.” Taylor sighed. “It’s complicated.” 

“Is it ever awkward?”

The singer thought on it. “No. Considering we actually never dated, why would it be? The only thing we had in common was the need for a convincing relationship. At the end of the day, he’s still an old friend.” 

Karlie snickered. “Convincing my ass.”

“Mm.” Taylor agreed. “We weren’t the best actors, were we?”

The look on Karlie’s face told Taylor that no, they certainly weren’t, and Taylor’s tempted to tell her off, but Karlie’s eyes are practically shining with laughter and she can’t risk ruining the moment. 

Goddamn, she was so beautiful. 

… 

They get to Louis and Harry’s around nine in the morning, and both girls are silent as the door buzzes.

“They offered to host us,” Taylor reminded Karlie. “It’ll be fine.”

“It’s not that.” Karlie answered. 

“What, you’re worried they’ve got no idea what they’re doing either?”

“That’s exactly what i’m worrying about.”

Taylor’s ready to assuage the girl’s fears when the door opens and Harry’s standing in front of them, grinning widely.

“Well, if it isn’t the dynamic duo!”

Taylor laughs, and Harry pulls the two of them into a hug. 

“Welcome home.”

“It seems like that.” Karlie told him. “We’re thinking of moving here, you know.”

Harry lead them into the living room. 

“So Taffy told me.”

“Harold-” Taylor warned. “Don’t.”

Karlie smirks at the nickname. “Taffy? Dunno, I kinda like it, babe.”

“Don’t.” Taylor repeats, pleading this time. 

Harry’s telling them all about the furniture and the art on the walls, because, well, he’s Harry Styles. But Taylor and Karlie aren’t listening, they’re holding hands again, and both of them know it’s going to be okay. This was the new chapter in their life that they desperately needed. If that meant spending a slightly awkward week at another gay couple’s house, so be it. 

…

Louis comes home later in the evening while Taylor is out for dinner with a friend, and Karlie has a good laugh with the two boys in the kitchen.

“...And the pictures in central park!” Harry exclaims. “Have you seen them?”

Karlie nodded. 

“For fuck’s sake, we both look comatose! How did no one realize we weren’t even trying?”

Karlie’s laughing so hard she can scarcely breathe. “It’s… the same… way for me.” She gasps, wiping at her eyes. “Pictures of Josh and I will come out and I look like I want to kill him.”

“I didn’t want to kill her.” Harry promised, casting a fond look towards Louis. “I just, well, didn’t like her.”

“Damn right.” Louis deadpanned. “Those bastards forced you into it when all along, we were hiding such a _scandalous_ secret.” He laughed spitefully, raising his bottle to no one in particular. “Fuck ‘em, huh?”

Karlie’s not sure what to say to that, so she points to the walls, eager to change the subject. 

“I love all the photos. They’re beautiful.” 

The kitchen was certainly the crown jewel of the apartment, with large oak cabinets, marble countertops, and dozens of photos hung on the walls. 

Harry smiled, following her finger to a portrait of him and Louis.

“Thank you. I try to photograph everything, and we love to put them wherever we can.”

“Until anyone comes over,” Louis mumbled, taking another swig of beer. He nodded to the picture. “They’re all reversible.”

Karlie was confused. Harry cast Louis a rather tired look, but he moved towards the wall to show her. 

“We can’t be too careful.”

“Oh, Harry.”

The frame was turned around to reveal another photo, but this time Harry was posing with a group of girls. 

Louis downed the rest of his drink. 

“Right. Cheers to that. I’m going to bed.”

“Lou,” Harry chided. “Don’t-“

But the boy was already gone, leaving Karlie with that feeling again in her stomach. Nothing could ever be normal, not for people like them with jobs like the ones they had. 

“I’m going to bed too, I think.” She said quietly, giving Harry a small smile.

Harry let out a deep sigh, returning her a sadder smile.“Alright. Goodnight, Karlie.” 

Karlie turned away quickly, eager to hide the tears building in her eyes. “Night!”

It was safe to say that Karlie didn’t fall asleep until Taylor returned home, hours later. The two girl went to bed cuddled together, hands held tight.

… 

The next morning Karlie went to work out with some friends while Louis ran to the studio. That left Taylor and Harry alone with their breakfast, and their history, in the kitchen. 

Harry was smiling to himself as he brewed tea, lost in his thoughts. 

“...What?” Taylor finally asked. 

“Can I ask you a question?” 

“I suppose you’re going to.” Taylor took a sip of her coffee. 

“Is she any good in bed?”

Taylor nearly spit out the drink. “What the fuck? Harry!”

“Exactly.”

“Oh my god,” Taylor groaned, wiping the coffee off of her shirt. “God, what are you, four? Why do you always do that?” 

The younger man laughed, throwing his head back. “I’m kidding, i’m kidding. I don’t want to know, honestly.”

“Good, ‘cause you’re not getting jack.”

“You’re sleeping with Jack??” Harry feigned a dramatic gasp. Taylor leaned across the counter and shoved him, hard. 

“Fuck, that hurt.” He rounded the counter to sit next to her. “All joking aside, it’s good to see you happy. You seem happy.”

“I am happy.” Taylor corrected. “She’s… she’s _ridiculous_ , H. It’s like she’s my soulmate.”

Harry pondered this for a second, eyebrows drawing together. 

“You know what I noticed when you guys came in yesterday? You look at her the same way I look at Lou.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He echoed, a smile tugging at his lips. “We’re all just a bunch of soulmates, aren’t we?” 

They have a good laugh about that, and then start exchanging photos. Taylor’s giddy about that, it’s not every day she can whip out her phone and start showing people pictures of her girlfriend. In fact, only a handful of people knew about their relationship. Her parents, of course, and Karlie’s parents, but only a selection of their closest friends really knew what was going on between them. Not to mention people like Harry and Louis, those two truly understood the value of secrecy.

“Is she baking for an army of people?” Harry leaned in closer to the screen. Karlie beamed back at them, wearing her special apron. She was holding a massive bowl of cookie dough. “Jesus, it’s like she’s running a bakery out of your apartment.” 

Taylor nodded, zooming in on the cookies next to her. “Here, look at the chocolate chip ones. She’s very serious about the business. “Karlie’s Kookies” are the real deal.”

“That’s sick.” Harry swiped through a few photos on his own phone. “Lookit, Louis with his idol.”

“Aww, he's adorable. Who is that?” 

Louis looked like a child next to the tall man in the picture, both of them in football jerseys. 

“Big time football star. Honestly, I don’t even know his name,” Harry shrugged. “But all that matters is Louis _loved_ him. They played one game and he didn’t stop smiling the entire time.” 

Harry’s entire expression changed when he talked about Louis, it was incredible to watch. Taylor suddenly wondered if that was how she looked when talking about Karlie. Was she obvious about it? She should ask her mom. 

Taylor suddenly realized she hadn’t told Andrea that Karlie and her were moving to London. 

Uh oh.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. Enjoy!

Taylor knows she has to call her mom. That conversation is non-negotiable, but she’s procrastinating. She’s _terrified_. How on earth was Andrea going to react? She’d already broken her mother’s heart by moving across the country to New York, how was she going to propose a trans-atlantic move? 

“She’ll understand,” Karlie promised her. “Get it out there and she’ll realize the importance once you explain why.”

“But what if she doesn’t? What if she hates me for it? What if there’s nothing I can do to make it better?”

“You can’t what if your life away, babe. Pick up the phone.”

And that was that. Taylor took a deep breath, dialed, and waited.

_Please don’t pick up_. She prayed. _Please, please, please _.__

__“Taylor?”_ _

___Oh, fuck.__ _

__“...Mom?”_ _

__…_ _

__“Well?” Karlie asked, looking up from the television. “I see you survived.”_ _

__Taylor rolled her eyes, crossing the floor and collapsing alongside her on the bed. She smushed her face into a pillow._ _

__“I _hate_ confrontation.” She groaned, her words undecipherable through the thick fabric. _ _

__“How’d it go?” Karlie asked again, and the girl still didn’t look up from the pillow. “Taylor, come on. Did she freak out?”_ _

__“No,” Taylor answered honestly. “She was surprisingly calm about it, even before I explained all the reasons.”_ _

__

__“See? I’m so proud of you. I knew she wouldn’t be upset.”_ _

__Karlie’s lips almost pull into a smile, but her eyes give her away._ _

__“You’re lying.”_ _

__“Am not!”_ _

__“Are too!”_ _

__“Taylor,” Karlie sighed. “I didn’t want to psych you out. You were going to have to tell her at some point.”_ _

__The singer gasped. “It is true! You threw me into the crossfire! You had no idea what was going to happen.”_ _

__

__“Your mother is a complicated woman, and-”_ _

__But Karlie can’t finish, because Taylor’s smacked her across the face with a pillow. Karlie pulls it away, a devilish grin forming._ _

__“Oh, you’re going to pay for that, Daisy.” She sits up quickly, grabbing another pillow by her side. “Better run.”_ _

__Taylor shrieks with delight, running out of the room, but Karlie is close on her tail._ _

__Harry and Louis don’t interfere, just watch with amusement from the kitchen table as the girls attack each other with cushions._ _

__They were a weird bunch, that much was clear._ _

__…  
It wasn’t until much later that they were alone in the flat. Karlie was sprawled on the living room carpet reading a book while Taylor struggled to flip through the English TV channels._ _

__“If I have to watch British Bake Off one more time i’m going to hurt someone.”_ _

__“It’s _Great_ British Bake Off, actually.” Karlie called. _ _

__“No one likes a smartass, Kar.”_ _

__“False. You like me.”_ _

__That sends Taylor to her knees on the carpet to tickle the girl, but Karlie refuses to play along, not taking her eyes off of her book. Something was wrong._ _

__“You’re so tense,” Taylor ran a hand down Karlie’s back. “Are you stressing out again?”_ _

__

__Karlie shrugged her away. “No.”_ _

__“Kar? Tell me what’s wrong.” Taylor was worried now. “What are you thinking?”_ _

__Karlie buried her head in her hands._ _

__“Logistics.”_ _

__Taylor hadn’t heard her. She leaned forward._ _

__“Sorry?”_ _

__“ _Logistics_!” The model cried, looking up at Taylor in desperation. “How are we going to figure out the logistics of all of this?”_ _

__Oh.  
“...I didn’t even think it through, but the photos, the interviews, how am I going to mention in passing that I happened to move to London the exact same time you did? They’ll figure it out, they always do.”_ _

__Taylor waited for the girl to finish, mentally drawing up a solution._ _

__“Let’s not worry about that right now, let’s focus on what’s happening now.”_ _

__“Why shouldn’t we? The secret will get out sooner or later.” Karlie was panicking now. “It’s never going to work!”_ _

__“Karlie,” Taylor said quietly. “How many times have we been photographed in England?”_ _

__“What are you talking about? Since we got here? We haven’t.”_ _

__“Right. And how many months do I have until the next album cycle?”_ _

__“Fifteen.” Karlie answered automatically. She had it committed to memory._ _

__“Then we have fifteen months to keep this little secret.”_ _

__“Taylor, really? I have work-”_ _

__“And we’ll figure it out,” Taylor reassured, rubbing a hand down her back again. “Take a deep breath. We haven’t even looked at apartments yet.”_ _

__Karlie rubbed her eyes in frustration. “God. I wish we didn’t have to worry about these things.”_ _

__Taylor leaned over and kissed her cheek. “It’ll all pay off someday, sweetheart, I promise.”_ _

__Here’s hoping, at least._ _

__…_ _

__Later that afternoon, Taylor all but drags Karlie from their bedroom into the bathroom. There’s a bathtub in there, something that their New York apartment doesn’t have. They fill up the bath with hot water, strip down, and get in, Karlie wrapping her arms around the smaller girl._ _

__“Do you think that Louis and Harry do this?” Taylor asked._ _

__“I think they do, and they fight over who’s the big spoon.”_ _

__“As if they could actually argue about it? Harry is twice Louis’s size!”_ _

__The girls continue to giggle, sloshing around in the tub. It was a small bathroom, with about an arms length of space between the bathtub and the door. Karlie was the big spoon, of course. She took up nearly two-thirds of the tub. Taylor, meanwhile, petite in comparison, was snuggled comfortably against her chest, eyes up towards the low ceiling._ _

__“Kar, look,” Taylor leaned forward. “Bubble bath.”_ _

__But there was no time for Karlie to examine the glass bottle Taylor was holding, because the door burst open and Harry walked in, completely oblivious to their indecency._ _

__“Hey, I was wondering if-“_ _

__He freezes, staring straight into Karlie’s eyes._ _

__“Harry!” Karlie shrieks, pulling a naked Taylor against her chest and closing the shower curtain in a span of two seconds._ _

__“Oh, fuck!” The man yelped. He clapped a hand over his eyes._ _

__“Harry!” Taylor yelled, now coughing up bath water. She wiped at her eyes furiously, flipping wet hair out of her face. “Really? You can’t knock? What the fuck?”_ _

__“I didn’t see anything! I swear!”_ _

__That’s a lie, but there’s really no point in arguing. All three of them are so embarrassed they don’t dare linger on the subject. There is a moment of silence. The heavy breathing of the two girls and a buzz of adrenaline fills the air._ _

__Then they burst into laughter. All three of them. Taylor starts first and Karlie and Harry soon follows. The awkwardness dissolves in a moment. The two girls are safe behind the curtain, and Harry is still struggling to apologize._ _

__“I’m - sorry.” He says in between peals of laughter. “Really, that was a stupid move. I’ll knock from now on.”_ _

__“What are you even doing in here?” Karlie demanded, though she was still laughing a little._ _

__“I wanted to ask if eating out tonight was okay, Lou knows a low-key spot that’s good for us.”_ _

__Taylor, who had finally summoned the courage, peeks out of the curtain and answers with flaming cheeks._ _

__“Yeah, that’s fine.”_ _

__“Right.” Harry nods, not meeting her eyes. He backtracks a little. “Okay, then. Have fun, girls.”_ _

__And then he’s gone. And Karlie is certain she’s never been more humiliated in her entire life._ _

__“Oh my _god_.” _ _

__“That really just happened,” Taylor whispered, and turned around. “Did you see his face?”_ _

__“He saw us naked, Taylor. Yes, I saw his face!”_ _

__“Babe,” Taylor pointed out, peeking up at the girl with wet lashes. “Don’t flatter yourself. Y’know he’s gay, right?”_ _

__Karlie pinched Taylor, who yelped, and the two of them dissolved into another fit of giggles._ _

__“We’ll never survive this week.” Taylor murmured, leaning back against the girl._ _

__“I think we will.” Said Karlie. “The problem is how we get out of here, because there’s no way I’m walking out of here while they’re both still in the house.”_ _

__Louis, meanwhile, was observing Harry calmly from the couch, not sure what to think of his boyfriend’s demeanor. The man was standing outside the bathroom door with two hands clamped firmly over his eyes._ _

__“...Did you just get flashed by the lesbians?”_ _


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm glad you all are enjoying this story, but please don't expect and update for a little while, at least. I have family to be with over the holidays and my free time will be scarce, haha.
> 
> \- J xx

A while later, the girls stumble out of the bathroom and all but sprint for their bedroom, leaving wet prints on the hardwood. Harry and Louis busy themselves over nothing in particular in the kitchen, and the four of them don’t talk until they’re actually in the restaurant, sat around a small cafe table. 

“So, why London?” Louis wanted to know, cutting into his fish. “I mean, I know a change is nice, but you lot couldn’t have chosen something more appealing? What about New Zealand? With all the pretty flowers?”

Harry rolled his eyes. 

Taylor let out a short laugh. “Because flights from New Zealand to New York are so inexpensive.”

 

“Hey, you got the money, love. Not me.”

“Louis,” Harry interrupted, quick to observe the forming tension. “Leave them alone, yeah? I think it’s a great idea, girls.” 

The man was clearly eager to get on their good side again, and if earlier hadn’t been so mortifying, Karlie would’ve found it hilarious. 

“I recognize the strangeness of it all, Louis,” Karlie told him. “But we think our lives would be a little more private here than in New York or Nashville. Americans are rather-”

 

This time it was Harry that cut in. 

“Intrusive.”

“Yes,” Karlie nodded. “Intrusive.” 

It was a quiet little cafe, with no worry of cameras (thank god). It was nice to have a normal night out and not worry about things like that. Taylor was especially happy, her features glowing in the candlelight. They needed this. 

“Plus, Karlie works here a lot of the time, and it’s easier to move to jobs in Europe if we lived here rather than in the U.S.” Taylor added. 

“Right, of course.” Harry nodded, signalling for a waiter. “Could we get the check please?”

The couples leave shortly after that and decide to go for a walk, with Louis tugging Harry along the street. 

“Have either of you ever been to Regents Park?” He asked, stepping into the road with Harry to hail a taxi.   
“I don’t think so,” Karlie looked to Taylor, who shook her head. “No, are we going there?”

Harry nodded, and whistled for a driver, guiding them towards a slowing taxi.

“There’s a spot that Louis and I go to all the time, we’re taking you there.”

 

… 

Primrose Hill of Regents Park was arguably one of the most wonderful places in London. Karlie had no idea how she hadn’t visited it before. Taylor practically skipped her way up the hill, enthralled by the city lights. They could see all of the metropolitan area from their spot in the grass.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Harry leaned back all the way, looking up to the stars. “We come here every free day we get.”

“Which isn’t that often,” Louis sighed. He moved closer to his boyfriend, snuggling against his chest. “So we try to make the most of it.”

The boys fall silent, lost in their own moment. 

Taylor looked expectantly at Karlie and Karlie can’t help but chuckle. She was such a cuddle bug sometimes. 

“Well, c’mere then you.”

Taylor grins, crawling on her hands and knees closer to the girl, quickly forcing her way into Karlie’s lap. 

“ _I love you_.” She sings, kissing her cheek firmly. “This is where I want to come when we find a place.”

Karlie hugs the girl tightly, breathing in her perfume. “I plan on it, love.” 

The four of them look over the lights of the city that two of them call home, and two of them plan to. They don’t leave until well after midnight.

…

And it’s well after midnight when they run into a pair they least expected, two teenage girls and their iphones.

“Oh my god.” One of them cried, grabbing her friends arm. “I know you!”

Harry let go of Louis’s hand in an instant, nodding at the girls to do the same. Taylor’s heart was about to beat out of her chest. Oh, god. 

_Why now. Why?_

“Hello,” Harry said politely, guiding the three of them down the path. “Have a nice night.” 

“I can’t believe it! You really are together.” The other one was more forward, stepping closer to them. “And you two?” She looked at the girls. “I thought… wow. I guess it is true.”

“If you don’t mind, loves, we really need to be going.” Louis told them, rather firmly. “Goodnight now.”

But as they turn their backs Karlie hears the distinctive flash of a camera, and _oh no_ , that wasn’t going to happen. Not tonight. 

She whirls around, fear building in her chest. 

“Do you honestly think that’s okay?” She demanded, looking right at the teenagers. “Do you think we’re some sort of exhibit you can just document? Delete that.” She growled. “Now.” 

The taller one had darker hair, she reminded Karlie of her younger sisters. She balked for a moment, and then shook her head. 

“No.” 

“Please.” Karlie’s strong tone gives way to desperation. “You don’t understand what that photo can do. No one can find out. We’ve worked too hard for it all to fall part. Please delete it. _Please_.”

“Ella,” Her friend was saying, looking between Karlie and the girl. “Come on. It’s not okay. Delete it.”

“Think about what you’re doing,” Harry was the one talking now, moving towards the girls. 

Louis and Taylor didn’t move from where they stood, mouths agape in shock. 

“Look at me.” He requested. “Do you understand the power of that photo? You could ruin all of our lives right now if you post that picture.” He snaps his fingers. “Like that, that’s all it takes. You lot reblog it all in a span of seconds, and then it’s all over the headlines tomorrow morning.”

“...It’s just one picture.” 

“Bullshit.” He snarled, his once friendly facade dissipating. “No one is supposed to know they’re together,” He points to Karlie and Taylor. “She’s not even supposed to be in the U.K. Not to mention him,” He points back to Louis. “Girls, I know it’s exciting, to be right, but doing the right thing is far more important.”

All of the group is silent. Karlie’s stomach is twisting, leaving a horrible feeling in her gut. Why was this happening? 

Harry nods to the phone. “Can you give me that so I can delete it properly? Please?”

Reluctantly, Ella hands over her phone. Harry’s shoulders deflate with relief. 

“Thank you, Ella. I really appreciate it,” He handed it back to her. “We’re going to walk away now, and if you try to take a picture again, it’s going to get more complicated. Do you understand?”

She nods, not taking her eyes off of him, frozen.

“Okay.” He says quietly, and nods. “Good night then.”

They don’t say anything. Karlie returns to Taylor, who hasn’t moved an inch, eyes still wide with surprise.

“It’s alright,” Karlie murmurs, taking her hand and squeezing it gently. _1, 2, 3_. “C’mon, let’s go.”

“Okay,” Taylor whispers, her eyes somewhere else entirely. “Let’s go.” 

 

… 

It’s much later that night when Taylor speaks again, under the covers with Karlie. 

“We need to be more careful.” She says, and Karlie’s heart sinks. 

“Tay-”

“No.” The girl turns away from her. “Everything was almost ruined. We need to be more careful.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas if you celebrate it! If not, happy Tuesday, haha.   
> This chapter isn't the happiest, and I had a hard time writing it, but it's an important part of the story.   
> I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> \- J xx

How was this happening? Out of all the things the girls could be doing in this empty apartment, fighting should not be one of them. They should be discussing the floor plan, or paint choices. Taylor should be running around in her little skirt showing Karlie where she wanted picture frames to go, or gushing about the open windows, though they would need drapes for those. Karlie should be thinking about where her office can fit, or if the kitchen is big enough for filming videos, or if she wants the shelves to have dark wood, but no. They had to fight. 

Tree had just about sold her left arm for this appointment. The two of them were alone, something that rarely was allowed, but they weren’t even looking at the house. It was a gorgeous Victorian-style place in Chalcot Square, right by Regents Park. The location was overlooking a street filled with little shops and a bakery, but they weren’t talking about that. 

Of course not. They were fighting. And to Karlie, at least, it didn’t seem like they were going to stop anytime soon.

_There’s an extra bedroom_. Karlie was picturing a baby crib in the corner, a rocking chair, and the walls painted a soft yellow. _We could hang a mobile over by the window_. 

“...And why does it always feel so damn one-sided?” Taylor wanted to know, bringing Karlie’s attention back to earth. “I’m always the one asking the questions.”

That was it.

“My god, Taylor,” Karlie tossed the house keys onto the kitchen counter. “Will you stop for one second? Look around. This is why we’re here in the first place. We’re supposed to be discussing if we want to buy this house. _Our_ house.” She emphasized. “Do we have to fight right now? We can’t wait until later?”

Taylor’s eyes were blazing with anger, Karlie had only seen her like this once, when the photos of them at the concert were published.

“No, we can’t,” She moved closer to Karlie. Dangerously close. “Is that a problem?”

Karlie doesn’t even know what they’re arguing about. She honestly doesn’t remember how it started. Something about hiding. It always was. That’s all they ever did, hid. 

“Say something!” Taylor yelled, and Karlie knows she’s about to cry. She can hear it in her voice, her tone is wavering the way it does on stage when she gets emotional.

Something snaps inside of Karlie.

“You want _me_ to say something? I finally get to ask the questions? Fine.” 

She jabs her finger through the air at the girl.

“Why do you worry about it so much?” Karlie demanded, feeling more furious each passing second. “I don’t understand why. I never have. If it’s so _infuriating_ for you to deal with all this, Taylor, why do you put yourself on the line? Why do you compromise everything you’ve worked nearly a decade for? If it’s not for me, if it’s not for you, why do that?”

She can feel her body heating with anger. This was supposed to be the trip that fixed everything, that sent them in the right direction, that gave them a chance. 

Taylor’s staring at her in disbelief, completely silent. Her eyes are wide, not leaving Karlie for a moment. 

“So, why then? Is this about last night?”

“No,” Taylor choked out. “It’s not.”

“Then tell me,” Karlie dared. “Go on.” 

“ _I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not_!” Taylor cries, and breaks. 

Tears are streaming down her face and Karlie doesn’t want this, her sacrificing everything and getting nothing in return. She doesn’t want this if it means that Taylor constantly destroys herself. She doesn’t want this, them. She doesn’t want them anymore. 

“I love you more than anything in this world and I’m tired of hiding everything that matters to me,” Taylor sobs. “It’s not fair. To either of us.”

“Tay,” Karlie tries, that twisting feeling in her stomach resurfacing again. She didn’t expect that. Not at all. “Tay, baby,”

Fuck, now she’s tearing up. 

“It doesn’t _matter_ if you love me. You’re wrecking your life for something that doesn’t work, don’t you realize that? It’s not healthy.” 

“No.” Taylor shakes her head emphatically. “I made the choice, _I_ did. It may have been careless or reckless, or stupid, but I can’t take it back.” She lets out another sob. “Because I love you so much that I can’t let you go-” She gasped a little, hiccuping over her tears. “And I won’t.” 

Well, Karlie doesn’t know what to say to that. She stumbles out of the kitchen, mumbling something about calling Brandon for a ride home.

Taylor watches her leave, her vision blurry. What were they going to do? 

… 

The car ride back is more than awkward. Karlie’s guilt is just about eating her insides. Why did she push her so far? She should’ve realized something was wrong. 

“I-”

“No,” Taylor snapped. “Not here.” 

“I just want-”

“Not. Here.” Taylor growled. “I’m going to start crying if you try to apologize, _so don’t_.”

And that was that. The girls turned away from each other, busying themselves with the sights outside the car window. 

Brandon watched them from the rearview mirror, wondering what on earth had happened. 

… 

“Whoa, was is that bad?” Harry asked, watching as Taylor slammed the front door and ran for the bedroom. “You were raving about the pictures online! Taylor?” 

“Don’t.” Karlie warned, moving slowly into the kitchen. “Let her go. The house was fine.”

“Did you girls go at each other in the house?” Louis was mixing himself some cocoa. “I’m pretty sure that’s not allowed.”

Harry’s turning to scold the boy, but Karlie beats him to it.

“It’s not that,” She sighed. “We had a fight and I really fucked up.”

Harry turns back to her, eyes wide.

“A row? A proper one?”

“A proper one.”

Karlie felt like crying. Nothing she’d said had helped either of them. Taylor was probably crying her eyes out in the bathroom right now because she’d let her temper get the best of her. Fucking stress. It would never leave the two of them alone. 

Harry was watching her carefully, clearly concerned.

“Karlie, she’ll forgive you. She just needs a moment to cool down, yeah?”

“It’ll be fine,” Louis promised, pushing a mug of hot chocolate her way. “Sit down and a take a breather. You’re shaking.” 

She was. Karlie’s entire body still had adrenaline coursing through it. Casting one more helpless look towards the bedroom door, Karlie sat at the counter with the two boys.

“There,” Harry smiled. “It’ll work itself out. It’ll be okay.”

But Karlie was already readying her apology in her mind.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This chapter is a little shorter than I originally planned it to be, but I've had practically no time to write. I hope you enjoy it anyways :)
> 
> \- J xx

At three in the morning, Taylor is shaken awake. Karlie is standing over the bed, finger to her lips. She motions wildly towards the door. And then to her. And then back to the door. 

“Karlie, what?” Taylor rasps, wiping sleep out of her eyes. The girl doesn’t say anything, continuing to pantomime.

_You. Yes, you. Come here. Please._

What on earth? 

“Karlie,” Taylor hisses, growing more frustrated. “Jesus, what?”

The model sighs, crouching to Taylor’s level. 

“Come with me.” She whispers, pulling gently on her wrist. “C’mere, and be quiet. Don’t wake the boys. They’re sleeping on the couch right outside.” 

Before Taylor can protest, Karlie turns and disappears into the hallway. Taylor groans, flopping back onto the cushions. This was one hell of an apology.

… 

Karlie reaches over and pulls gently on Taylor’s arm, bringing the girl into the hall.

“It’s dark,” Taylor whimpers, and grabs frantically for Karlie’s hand, squeezing it tight. “Why are we doing this again?”

“Shh,” Karlie urged. “Please, please, don’t wake them. We’ll never be able to live it down. I’ll tell you in a minute.” 

Eventually, the two of them are in the kitchen. They tiptoe across the living room, navigating through empty soda bottles and several cassette tapes. 

If she wasn’t already so freaked out by the darkness, Taylor would’ve laughed. Of _course_ Louis and Harry watched cassette tapes. It seemed the two men had spent a nice evening together, Harry had Louis draped across his chest, one arm slung over the top of the couch, the other wrapped firmly around the boy. They made a peaceful pair, chests rising and falling in sync. 

Karlie tugged again on Taylor’s hand. They’re moving towards the entryway.

“C’mere, we’re going outside.” 

And there it is again, that uncertainty that Taylor feels constantly. It’s eating at her insides, twisting and turning. What was about to happen? 

“Karlie,” Taylor whines as Karlie pulls on a jacket. “I just want to sleep, where are we going outside?”

“The front step.” Karlie tells her, and hands over a pair of boots. “Put these on. It’s freezing.”

“It’s three am!” Taylor cries, and Karlie freezes.

_Please, please, don’t wake up._

The girls peek around the corner, and no, the boy’s weren’t awake. Thank god. 

Karlie takes a deep breath. 

“I need you to listen,” She whispers, tone firm. “I know you’re upset with me. I’ll explain everything once we’re outside. Now be quiet, and put on some warm clothes.” 

So Taylor does, wise not to argue. Karlie can be infuriating when she wants to be, and stubborn as hell. Once she’s got an idea in her head, there’s no backing down. 

… 

True to Karlie’s words, they end up outside on the front step. Taylor can feel the cold through her pajama pants and Karlie’s leather boots, which are two sizes too big. 

“I’m sorry I had to wake you up, but I couldn’t sleep, thinking about all of this.” Karlie tells her. “I think you’ll agree that we need to resolve this, and now.” 

Tears prick into Taylor’s eyes because she realizes how stupid it all is, what got them here in the first place. Where did that anger come from? It hadn’t stemmed from a place of bitterness or resent, and it wasn’t Karie’s fault. Or hers. What was happening to them? They weren’t the type to drop everything and scream at the top of their lungs, so what triggered it? 

Karlie’s got her head cocked to one side, studying the girl’s expression.

“Tay?”

“When I first met you I was jealous because you were so pretty,”

Karlie laughs. She leans over and wipes the tears away, swiping her thumbs under Taylor's eyes. 

“You were this goddess of a girl who just… took up all the light in the room. And then I realized I wasn’t jealous,” She lets out a short laugh and looks at Karlie, blinking through another round of tears. “I didn’t want to be you. I wanted to be _yours_.” 

“I thought you were one of the models at first,” Karlie grins at the memory of it all. “You weren’t facing me and you were wearing that ridiculous outfit. I thought you were getting ready to walk the runway, but you weren’t. You were Taylor Swift.”

Taylor rolls her eyes, she’s picturing the two of them, more than slightly awkward and flirting in the middle of that dressing room. There were cameras everywhere but they didn’t give a damn. She’d told Dianna a month before that it wouldn’t work, that she was sorry, but really she just couldn’t bear it anymore. She was done apologizing for the way she lived her life, for telling her it would get better when it wouldn’t. They had dodged the camera's for months on end. It wasn’t healthy, piecing love together that way. 

Her heart had been broken more than twice by that girl and she’d had enough, cut off ties before the damage was too much. 

And Taylor walked into that room with an aching heart, uncertain and anxious, and there was Karlie standing right in the center. In her butterfly wings with a smile that made her forget her own name. Damn her for being so beautiful. Taylor didn’t stand a chance. 

There’s a lull in the conversation. They’re prefacing the disaster that was earlier that morning, how their beginning had lead up to that.

Taylor hugs her knees to her chest, looking down when she says,

“...I haven’t fought like that since Dianna.” 

It wasn’t easy to hear. Karlie swallowed hard, blinking a few times. 

“We’re… we’re not like that, Kar.” Taylor looks up at Karlie. “That’s one of the reasons we work so well. We think everything through.”

“I know.”

“I shouldn’t have yelled at you. It’s not your fault.”

“It is,” Karlie looks up at her, a sad smile on her lips. “It’s both of our faults, really, but I shouldn’t have said all those things.” 

Taylor nods, still thinking hard. 

“I get so caught up in the things we can’t control and I project it onto you, and it’s completely... mindless. There’s no connection at all, I just need someone to blame, it’s selfish.”

"Taylor,"

"No, I mean it.

"I know you do." Karlie says quietly. "But I shouldn't have yelled either. It didn’t matter that I was upset. I know you hate that, loud yelling. I wasn’t thinking.”

Taylor thinks back to her parents, how she’d watch from the staircase during all the screaming in the kitchen and her heart breaks a little. 

She moves over and presses her face into Karlie’s chest. Taylor breathes in, smelling her perfume and the peppermint face lotion she uses each night and _this_ is why they work. They fit together. 

“I _hate_ fighting with you,” She mewls, choking out a dry sob. “It makes me feel like such a monster. It spins out of control, I feel like my parents. I hate it.” She cries. 

“Oh, daisy,” Karlie wraps her arms around the girl, recovering from the shock of the hug. “You’re not a monster, love. Not even close. And you’re nothing like you parents, okay?” 

Taylor looks up at her, curls sweeping against her cheeks. 

“Really?”

“Do you think we’d be freezing our asses off at four in the morning if I thought you were a monster?” Karlie teases, kissing her cold nose and then her ears, making her giggle. “Hmm? I don’t think so.” 

“So... we’re okay?”

Karlie gives her a look. It’s the same look she gets when her mother knows she’s lying, full of uncertainty. “Taylor, are _you_ okay?”

Taylor doesn’t know how to answer that. She looks out into the streets, the glow of the lamps casting strange shadows over the pavement. 

“I will be.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No,” She answers, honestly. “It’s something I’ll struggle with for the rest of my life, I think. But,” She lets out a sigh, breathing in some cold air. “I’ve made it this far, so that’s encouraging.”

Karlie kisses the girl’s cheek, squeezing her waist gently. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

“Takes one to know one.”

And they head back inside. Holding hands. 

 

…


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, loves. 
> 
> Happy new year! I wanted to give a little update on my posting schedule. School is back at full force and I've (obviously) got homework and studying to do. I'm going to limit posting to once a week, either on Thursday or Friday from now on. There may be an exception this weekend, as I'll have a lot of free time.
> 
> I love you guys! Thank you for all your comments and kudos :)
> 
> \- J xx

“I’d never seen her get that upset,” Taylor told Louis the next morning, her stomach in knots. 

They were sat on the couch together in the living room with the TV on, though neither of them were really watching it. 

“Who started it?”

“I did.” 

"Did you apologize?"

"Of course."

Taylor somehow felt more guilty than the day before. Even after the apologies, even after the promises - the _we’re fine_ , it was still nagging at the back of her mind. 

_You shouldn’t have yelled at her. You shouldn’t have said those things. You shouldn't have done that._

Louis went quiet, thinking for a moment. Taylor waited for him to say something, then a horrible thought surfaced.

“You and Harry _do_ fight, right?”

Louis lets out a short laugh, his dimples surfacing. “Yes.”

“About what?” 

“The real question, is what we don’t fight about,” Louis answers, a smirk tugging at his lips. “We don’t have the perfect life, if you haven’t noticed. There’s plenty of material to cover.” 

“You both seem very put together,” Taylor mumbles, feeling embarrassed now. “Karlie and I aren’t like that, we get frustrated easily.”

“Honestly,” He rolls his eyes. “Don’t single yourselves out, Taylor, we’re all human. We get upset too.”

And Taylor waits again, daring him to prove it.

“The “big fight” was a long time ago, I was nineteen.” Louis admits, and lets out a long sigh as the memories come flooding back. 

“What happened?”

“To put a very long story short, I made Harry cry and he dared me to leave him.” He waits a long time before making the obvious known. “...I didn’t.” 

Taylor processes that for a minute. Harry and Louis would’ve been teenagers, back when they were signed on the X Factor. That was nearly seven years ago. 

“What were you fighting about?”

“The contract.” 

“...The closeting clause?”

Louis gives a short nod, looking back towards the screen. There was a tension that had washed over the both of them. This was a no-go zone. For both couples. 

“It’s just not fair,” Taylor says quietly, and draws her knees to her chest. “How much we give and how little we get.”

“You learn to be careful,” He tells her. “It gets easier.”

“Promise?”

“Taylor,” He gives her a look. “Tell me you know better.”

She did. But it didn’t kill her to hope a little. She could picture Harry and Louis fighting all those years ago, screaming at the top of their lungs about how it’s _just not fair_ , and how they didn’t want to do it anymore. It was all eerily familiar. 

“But you love him?””

Louis nodded solemnly. “Until the day I die.” 

Taylor took a deep breath. That was why she did this. For love. For Karlie. 

Something about that was reassuring, the fact that even though they fought, even though they yelled and cried and struggled hard against their secret, it was their love that they always came back to. 

Because they would protect that until they couldn’t fight any longer, and Taylor knew that day wasn’t close, not by any means. 

…

Meanwhile, Harry was struggling not to show his discomfort on the drive to the showing. He’d agreed to take Karlie back to the house, but Karlie wasn’t talking. A strange awkwardness was between the two of them and as much as he hated confrontation, he knew they needed to sort it out. If not for his sanity, hers. 

Harry took a deep breath.

“If this is about the bath incident, I’ll apologize again-”

“It’s not.”

“The park?”

“No.”

He sighs, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. How were they were only halfway there?

“Are you upset about Taylor?”

“No.”

He scrapes a few stray curls out of his eyes, giving her an exasperated look as they turn onto the avenue.

“Right. Is that the only word you know?”

A smirk pulls at Karlie’s lips.

“No.”

Harry swallows a laugh. He walked right into that one. 

“I’m not mad at her,” Karlie finally tells him. “I’m worrying about everything else.”

“Everything else?”

“Us,” Karlie sighs, rubbing a hand over her face in frustration. “We’re so fucked.”

They are silent for a while after that, continuing down the road. They were nearing the middle of the city now, and the buildings were closer together. Harry always felt a tad claustrophobic near central London, not just because of the paparazzi, but because it truly felt suffocating. He was a country boy, through and through.

“You can’t let it tear you apart,” Harry says, a firmness to his tone. “That’s what they want when you sign those contracts. They think you won’t last long enough to the end date.”

“I know.” Karlie says quietly.

“You have to fight,” He emphasizes. “You’ve got to, no matter what. ‘Cause they’ll try their hardest to tear you apart,” He reaches a hand across the console, grabbing her hand. “Please don’t let them.” 

“I know,” She repeats. "I won't."

Harry tightens his grip on the steering wheel, preparing to turn onto the motorway. Something inside him brings him to the side of the road. He parks the car on the curb of a small backstreet. 

“You don’t even want to see this house, do you? You want _out_ of the house.” 

The girl nods her head, unable to meet his eyes. 

"Spill,” He demands. “Now.”

So Karlie tells him, tells him everything that she’s terrified of. Their secret, and people finding out. Their relationship, and if it can last. How long they’ll have to wait, if people will know who the songs are about. If a careless mistake will send everything tumbling down. Everything she can think of and he listens, patiently, waiting for a solution to come to mind, anything to help these girls. 

And then it’s been inside her for so long, bubbling up and demanding to be revealed and she finally just _blurts_ it out. 

“Harry, I want to marry her.”  
… 

Harry doesn’t know what to say, he spends a good five minutes stunned, simply blinking at the girl. Finally, he collects his thoughts, a question surfacing.

“Do you have a ring?”

Karlie balks, paling a little. “Oh, god, no.”

Harry laughs. “That’s the first step. Are we going ring shopping?”

“Do you _honestly_ think that’s a smart idea? Can you imagine the headlines?”

_New romance? Harry Styles and former flame Taylor Swift’s best friend Karlie Kloss spotted shopping for wedding rings. Are they secretly to-be engaged? Read more!_

Yes, he could.

“Right. So, we’ll look online and call ahead, ask for a back entrance.”

Karlie nods. 

“Are you sure about this?”

“Yes.” 

Well, he can’t argue with that. He supposes once you know, you know. 

Now, if only he can keep the secret from Louis, because god knows if that boy finds out, the secret is as good as gone.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!
> 
> I know this is off schedule, but I've had some extra time on my hands. I plan to post on Thursday as well, though it will probably be later in the day. 
> 
> \- J xx

Taylor was having a good day. Usually they were far and few between, but being here had changed that. There was this strange feeling that had washed over her, this sense of comfort, of protection. London was for them, she was sure of it. 

No one knew they were here, aside from her team and parents. It was something that she didn’t know how to process. She’d never been truly alone, not since she was sixteen. There was always a hoop to jump through, a compromise to make, even if it was just one photo. She was done, that much she knew. No more interviews, no more speculation, no more promoting fragrances or radio hosting. No broadcast deals or excessive merchandising or god knows what else. She wasn’t giving them anything more. 

It was this album and the tour. Then she was done. Thirteen years had a nice ring to it, didn’t it? 

_The fans would get a kick out of that._

It didn’t matter to her anymore. Her songs were a part of her, the fans were a part of her, but there wasn’t that _craving_ anymore. 

To win the awards, to finish the story, to pour her heart out for everyone to hear. 

She gets to wake up every morning next to the woman she loves and honestly, that’s enough. She doesn’t need anything else. 

Speaking of, Karlie rolls over and presses her face into Taylor’s stomach, making her giggle.

“You’re finally awake,” She sighs, peeking up at her through tangled blonde fringe. “Let’s go eat something,” She lets out a dramatic groan. “I’m starving.”

“Are you?” Taylor teases. “Well, go on. I’m sure Harry and Lou have a waffle iron.”   
… 

When they reach the kitchen, it’s evident Karlie has something to say. She’s fidgeting like crazy, darting around the counter with unusual spirit and nearly knocking over the bowl of waffle batter. 

“Karlie,” Taylor can’t wait any longer. “Why don’t you just tell me what’s going on?”

Karlie bites her lip, internally struggling with her secret. 

“Preferably before you make a mess,” Taylor jumps forward to catch a falling spatula, saving the hardwood floors from staining. “Did something happen?”

“I got a call this morning from Karla and Penni.”

“And?”

“They wanted me to check my email.” 

“And?” 

“I’m back on the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.”

“What?” Taylor shrieked, a giant smile taking over her features. “No you’re not, are you? Really? Oh my _god_ , Karlie! You’re gonna walk the runway!” 

The model can’t help but giggle as her girlfriend nearly knocks her over with a hug. They sway together for a moment before Taylor catches her balance and her breath, looking up with shining eyes when she says,

“That’s amazing. I’m _so_ proud of you, babe. You deserve it.” 

But as she looks up, Karlie isn’t smiling. In fact, the girl looks rather upset. There’s uncertainty in her eyes, a worried feeling twisting in her stomach. 

“Tell me.” Taylor demands. 

“I’m worried about what might happen if I say yes.”

“You haven’t agreed to it yet?” Taylor pulls away, suddenly understanding her reluctance. “Because I might be headlining?”

“Exactly.”

Taylor processes this for a moment, a million thoughts circuiting her brain. 

“Tree is coming to visit next week for album detailing,”

Karlie rolls her eyes.

“...I’ll ask her what would be best, and then we can factor that in?” She studies Karlie’s face, searching for agreement in her expression. “I’m not saying that you _can’t_ ,” She emphasizes. “I’m saying we need to make a smart choice.” 

“I know,” Karlie sighs, and hangs her head. “I knew that before I told you. Sorry to put a damper on breakfast.”

Taylor waves it off, pulling Karlie in for a kiss. 

“We can still celebrate good news, even if we aren’t sure what to do with it.”

“So, waffles?”

Karlie is suddenly sheepish, a blush creeping up her neck. 

“Yes, love,” Taylor sings, and pulls back to do a little twirl. “Celebratory waffles.” 

… 

The happy mood surrounding the girl’s morning, unfortunately, could not be attributed to their flatmates. 

The boys were arguing again and Harry was becoming increasingly more frustrated, regardless of the fact he wasn’t the one upset. 

“I said it wasn’t _up for discussion_. Why are you still asking me about this?” Louis’s darting around the room, pulling on a sweatshirt and socks, all the while maintaining a glare towards Harry. 

“Lou,” Harry warns as Louis moves for the door. “Don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you. Stop.” 

“Fuck off,” Louis growls, pulling away from Harry’s attempted embrace. “Don’t tell me to calm down. I’m not going to.”

“Lower your voice. You’ll wake the girls.”

“They’re eating breakfast in the kitchen,” Louis snaps. “Like we should be too.”

“Putting it on me won’t make it go away,” Harry points out, struggling to stay calm. “And we’re not pushing this away. It’s important we discuss how it makes us feel.” 

“I know exactly how I feel about it.” He bursts out. “We don’t need to discuss it.”

“Lou,”

“I told management that I didn’t fucking _want_ this, Harry. I didn’t support the choice by any means. I told them it was out of the question."

“Well, they didn’t listen and now it’s happened, so we need to deal with it, Louis.” 

“It’s not fair!”

“I didn’t say it was,” Harry replies, a cold tone surfacing. “Now take a breath. You’re acting like a child.” 

Louis takes a breath, albeit begrudgingly, but it does calm him for a moment. They’re standing face to face now, eyes wild, minds spinning. Louis is only wearing one shoe and he’s wondering why on earth they always do this - spin out of control at the worst times. 

“I’m sorry for yelling,” Louis’s voice is reserved, strained. He wants to be loud again, Harry can tell. 

“You’re forgiven.”

“I still don’t want to talk about it right now,”

“Love,” Harry tries taking a step closer to his husband. “I know you’ve got to compartmentalize sometimes with work and home, but this _affects_ us,” He emphasizes, a desperate look on his face. “So we’ve got to talk about it. What’s happening right now, it affects us. Let’s talk. Please?” 

Now it’s Louis’s turn to plead. He lets out a quiet sob, hot tears burning at his eyes.

“Don’t push,” He whimpers, willing himself to swallow another sob bubbling in his throat. “Please, I - I can’t do this right now, Haz.” He turns away, forcing his voice to withstand the words -

“I have to go post those pictures.”

 

Harry’s heart breaks a little. There was a reason he didn’t follow Louis on any social media platforms. Despite what the fans thought, he couldn’t bear to look at pictures of him with the child, the girlfriend, the sunsets. It was a fabricated reality. The very sight of it made him nauseous.

They had no idea how high the price was, those idealistic representations of a life. It just about tore them to pieces. 

He lets him walk away. 

… 

Karlie and Taylor look up from the coffee table as Louis slams the bedroom door, flinching a little from the noise.

“You okay?” Taylor calls, but Louis walks straight past them and out the front door, slamming it behind him too. 

Karlie shakes her head a little at Taylor, willing her silently to not ask about it. She knew that feeling. Louis would need a moment, and he might not come back for a while. 

“I’m sorry,” Came Harry’s quiet voice from the hallway. “It’s difficult for him right now, with everything.”

And immediately, all of them know what “everything” means.

“Coffee?” Karlie held up the pot, brushing off the moment and quickly distracting Harry from the door. “We used the french press, if that’s okay.”

“I don’t mind,” Harry moved to his chair, pulling it out with a sigh and slumping into it. “Pass me a mug?”

“I’d say it’ll be okay, but…” Taylor falters off a little. “It won’t.”

“It won’t,” Harry agrees and cradles his head in his hands for a moment, letting out a groan. “I wish I could make it better, but the only thing we can do is try and live with it,” He looks up at the girls, desperation overtaking his features. “And he won’t _talk_ to me.” 

“How much longer do you have?” Karlie asked.

Harry doesn’t need her to specify.

“It’s seven years down to the day,” He answered. “But it won’t be that easy, not with all the fine print.”

“New Year’s Eve,” Taylor mused. “Wow. You're nearly there.”

“We want to throw a party, actually,” Harry let out a short chuckle, but it had a helpless quality to it. “I don’t know how that will go.” 

“We can help you clean up the bottles,” Karlie offered, a smile tugging at her lips. Taylor squeezes her hand three times at the allusion. “I mean, if you want.”

Harry nods, taking a deep breath to center himself. He returns a smile, though foreign on his lips, it lightens the mood a little. 

“That would be wonderful, Karlie. Thank you.”

They finish their coffee in silence, an unspoken rule between the three of them that no more should be discussed. The secrets they all shared were liabilities, and they found it easier to suffer in silence.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaannd I'm already off my posting schedule. Sorry for that, I'm traveling and it's difficult to sit down and crank out a chapter, hah.
> 
> I am proud of this one, though. It's a good couples scenes :) 
> 
> \- J xx

Karlie had an urge. Taylor could feel it. She’d felt it all night - at dinner, in the car, walking up to the flat. It was that palpable, electric tension between the two of them. The extra touching, the looks across the restaurant. Karlie had her hand up Taylor’s skirt all dinner long, her movements hidden beneath the tablecloth. 

That feeling, that tension, it only grew. It was loud and clear in the shower when they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other, leaving the bathroom without their hair even shampooed. 

And now the two of them were face to face in their bedroom, Taylor with her curls tangled, Karlie’s mascara in puddles under her eyes, but neither of them care. It’s like flipping a switch on, and it happens in the blink of an eye. 

Karlie is unrelenting as she works, like always. She yanks Taylor’s towel off with a growl and pushes her back onto the bed, the mattress groaning as the two of them collapse together onto the pillows. 

“You’re - so - _fucking_ \- beautiful,” 

Karlie’s words are staggered, short of air as she presses her lips against Taylor’s, moving down her neck and then onto her collarbone, sucking hard. It makes Taylor whimper, the fierceness of it all, and she reaches for Karlie’s hand, lacing her fingers tightly through it. 

That was one thing Karlie had always loved, how loud Taylor was. She was a bubbly girl - easily excitable and energetic - and while she had a quieter, creative side, there was this fire inside of her Karlie had never seen coming. It always started out slow, but then it grew into something downright captivating. 

The noises Taylor makes in the bedroom are one of Karlie’s favorite things in the world, and the fact that Karlie gets them out of her, well that makes it even better.

“Wait, stop,” 

Taylor’s gasping for air because Karlie’s still got her lips on her neck, sucking hard and marking her with love bites. 

“We’ve got to be quiet,” Taylor pleads. “We’ve got - _Karlie_!” She gasps, her chest heaving now. “ _Please_. The walls are thin, they’re going to hear us.” 

“And?” Karlie has a wicked glimmer in her eye as she moves further down. “One of them has already seen us naked.” 

That doesn’t ease Taylor’s worries, not by any means. 

“...They’re not coming in here,” Karlie promises, and presses her lips to Taylor’s stomach, leaving pink gloss in its place. “What, with everything that happened earlier this week.” 

“That was different!” Taylor protests, but it doesn’t matter. 

Karlie ignores her, instead skimming her fingers down Taylor’s hips. She loves to tease her girl, just enough to make her squirm. 

“Kar, please,” Taylor whimpers, feeling more desperate. “Please, they’ll hear us.”

Karlie looks up innocently, her bangs tangled and nearly covering piercing green eyes. Her lips curl into a playful smile and Taylor knows only trouble can follow. 

“I guess you’ll have to be quiet for me.”

_Oh, god._

“Can’t,” Taylor mewls, struggling a little against Karlie, but she’s no match for the other girl. “I can’t, it’s- _oh_!”

Karlie looks up at her from between her legs and bites gently at her inner thigh, leaving Taylor speechless again. 

“It wasn’t a question, Daisy.” 

“Karlie,” Taylor’s voice is ragged. “ _Please_. I can’t.” 

“Shh, shh, love,” Karlie soothes, sliding her hands back up Taylor’s waist when she cries out again. Taylor's legs are shaking and Karlie _loves_ this, her noises. “You're okay. Breathe for me and try." 

So Taylor gasps again, and clamps a hand over her mouth, struggling to keep the noises of pleasure within the walls of their bedroom. 

 

…

“Damn, they’re loud.” Louis complains. “How do they have the stamina? It’s been nearly an hour.”

Harry laughs, pulling his husband closer. “Don’t eavesdrop. It’s rude. You’re just jealous.”

Louis scoffs. “As if. We have _incredible_ sex.” 

“That we do.” Harry returns, still amused by Louis’s obvious jealousy. “But girls are typically more resilient.” 

“The lesbians get all the glory.” 

“And we get the sense of style,” Harry plays along. “Any other glaring stereotypes you want to throw in?” 

“No,” Louis grumbles, and suddenly becomes serious. “Y’know, I’m really sorry about this morning.” 

“I know you are.” 

“You’re right, we do need to talk about it.” 

Louis fiddles with his fingers, struggling to find the right words. 

“It’s been hard, you know that, but it’s no excuse.” 

“You’re allowed to get upset, Lou.” Harry reminds gently. “And I’m not going to hold it against you. We can talk more in the morning. It’s late.” 

“Fuck. S’ just… no,” Louis pauses, stammering a little to himself. 

“Do you want to talk about it now?” 

“No.” Louis shakes his head. “I’m just really sorry, H." 

Another long pause. 

“...I love you.”

Harry sighs. “Louis, don’t.” 

“But-” 

“Stop saying it that way, like you’re terrified I won’t say it back.” 

“I’m not!"

“You are,” Harry returns, firmer now. “Look at me." 

Louis does, sheepishly. There’s a shyness that’s settled over him, and if the circumstances weren’t so serious, Harry would’ve found it adorable. 

“We don’t use that as an apology. It’s so much more than that.”

Harry tugs at his shoulder, because Louis is looking at his hands again. “It’s _not_ a reminder.” He says. “You don’t need to remind me that you love me when we fight.” 

“I know.” 

“I hope so, because I’m not going anywhere, okay?” He kisses the boy’s nose, and Louis finally smiles, his eyes less frightened. “‘Cause _I love you_.” Harry declares. “I always have, I always will. We’ll figure it out.” 

“We always do.” 

“We always do.” Harry echoes, and hugs him tighter. “Now go to sleep, Lou." 

_…_

Early the next morning, Karlie wakes to a knocking outside their door. It’s insistent and loud, and whoever it is doesn’t wait more than a moment before knocking again, even louder. 

Harry’s standing in the hallway, his fist against the wood. 

“Taylor!” He calls. “Are you guys up? Someone’s here for you!” 

And next to Karlie, Taylor’s eyes shoot open because, _oh god_ , Tree is here. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Comment below and tell me what you thought! 
> 
> \- J xx


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a bit of writing rampage, my flight's have all been delayed ;/
> 
> My hometown is taking quite the beating with this snowstorm rolling in. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy! It's about to get complicated for these girls, unfortunately. 
> 
> \- J xx

“I thought you said she was coming on Tuesday!” Karlie hisses, throwing the bed covers off the both of them as they realize what’s happening. 

“It _is_ Tuesday!”

Six am on a Tuesday, to be precise.

 _Bitch_. Karlie thinks before she can stop herself. 

“I told her to come in the morning, she must’ve taken a red-eye to get here.”

“Fuck.” Karlie swears. She sits up and rubs the sleep out of her eyes. It was too early for this. 

She couldn’t do it today. She couldn’t take the looks from the manager, the silent, cutting stares that Tree always gave her. 

_You ruined this_. Tree’s eyes would tell her. _You did. It’s your fault._

She knows it isn’t true, knows that since Emily, since Diana, Taylor’s been fighting a non-stop war with the industry. What was one more secret relationship?

 _But you want to marry her_. A little voice in the back of her head reminds her. _It’s different this time around._

Shaking off the thought, she moves towards the closet, where Taylor is frantic. 

“I don’t have any clean clothes. Where is my red dress?” 

She’s panicking, Karlie knows this voice, it’s the _oh no_ voice. The _something’s gone wrong and I can’t fix it_ , voice. 

They weren’t prepared, by any means, to have this discussion. Tree wants to know their thoughts on the album cycle, the promotions, the lot. It’s going to dictate the next two years of their life, maybe more depending on the tour. They’re vulnerable and Tree knows this, knows if she pitches her plan a certain way she’ll get paid a hell of a lot more. 

Of course Taylor’s panicking. Why isn’t Karlie? 

“Wear some of my clothes.” Karlie tells her, and Taylor’s still pacing. “Taylor," She says, grabbing the girl's waist. "C'mere. Breathe, babe. You’re gonna be fine. I’ll get dressed and let her know you’re in the shower.”

Taylor's eyes widen in fear. 

“Karlie, no. Don’t go out there alone, she-”

“Hates me?” Karlie’s lips curl into a smile. “I know, love. It doesn’t bother me.”

Taylor lets out a whimper, because it bothers _her_ , and her eyes are filling with worry. She’s backed into a corner and she doesn’t like it. 

“Taylor, shhh,” Karlie soothes. “It’s alright. Don’t cry. We can do this.” 

Karlie leans forward and kisses Taylor’s forehead, hoping to banish the frantic thoughts within.

“I’ll be waiting for you outside. Take a breath, get ready. We’re gonna be fine.”

And Karlie moves to the clothes racks for a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, knowing nothing she wears is going to change Tree’s opinion of her. 

_I’m the chink in the armor_. Karlie thinks sarcastically. _Of course she hates me_. 

… 

Karlie finds Tree Paine sitting in an armchair in the living room. She looks rather uncomfortable, Karlie notices, and normally Karlie would find delight in this. Not today. Today was serious. She needed to be serious as well. Any sign of weakness could mean catastrophe, and she wasn’t going to let that happen. 

“Good morning,” She announces, moving confidently into the room. She watches as Tree looks up, picks apart every piece of her with her eyes, and smiles an incredibly fake smile.

“Karlie! How are you?”

“Taylor’s in the shower. I just wanted to let you know.”

Karlie doesn’t answer her question. This woman didn’t deserve answers. 

“Thank you,” Tree replies, and takes a look around her. “The Tomlinson’s have a very nice place. I’ve always admired their work.”

 _Liar._

“...You girls haven’t found your own place?”

“Not yet.”

Tree hums at that, her eyebrows drawing close. 

“It’s not smart, staying here. The media focus on them is ridiculous.”

She says _ridiculous_ like it’s actually the boy’s fault. 

“It’s complicated. You know that.”

“Yes, Miss Kloss. I’m very aware.” 

“Then why are you still talking?” Karlie snaps. 

Tree goes quiet, pursing her lips at Karlie. 

_Say something_. Karlie dares her silently. She doesn’t. 

_All you do is take. All you do is pull us apart, but you won’t stand your ground in a fight._

_Coward._

Karlie turns on her heel and walks back towards the bedroom, knowing Tree is likely fuming under that polished facade. 

She passes Louis and Harry in the hall, and she swears she hears Louis laughing.

Maybe today wouldn’t be so bad after all.

… 

“Scott won’t let me fire her.” Taylor cries. “She’s awful, but there’s no one else who knows our situation like her. I’m not making some poor stand-in sign an NDA for god knows how long to help us… it’s too risky.”

Taylor’s got half of her hair dried, her top buttoned in the wrong places, and a shade of lipstick on that’s too flashy for Karlie’s taste, but there’s no time for opinions right now.

“Stop it,” Karlie pulls her into a hug. “You’re going to make yourself sick if you keep worrying.” 

Taylor doesn’t say anything, just presses her face into the crook of Karlie’s neck and breathes in raggedly. Karlie’s wearing perfume, Taylor’s favorite perfume, and it calms her. She tries to slow her breathing. 

“...She’ll leave us alone after this meeting.” Karlie tells her. “It’s going to be a rough few hours, but then we’re free. You’ve got six more songs to write, other choices to make, and you don’t need to see her for another twelve months.”

Karlie pulls back, studying her girl. Taylor seems more focused now, her eyes less frazzled, her expression more resolved.

“When the time comes you can ask for another PA, okay? All she manages is detailing.”

Taylor takes a deep breath in. She nods. She smiles. They can do this.

“Okay.” Taylor grabs her hand. “Let’s go.” 

… 

 

“Tour dates depend on the way TS6 is received,” Tree says, shuffling at least twenty papers on the dining table. “So we don’t need to talk about that today.”

“TS6?” Karlie asks.

“Taylor Swift Six” Taylor translates, smiling a little. “It’s what the fans are calling the new album.” 

Karlie swears that Tree rolls her eyes, but Taylor doesn’t seem to notice, instead squeezing Karlie’s hand three times under the table. 

“Karlie’s taking European shows and jobs for the next few months, so we don’t need to worry about people tracking flights and connecting the dots."

“She’s right,” Karlie agrees. “It’ll be less of a hassle now that we’re here.” 

Tree ignores her. _Bitch._

“Should we talk about a new boy?”

“ _No_.” 

This time it’s Taylor who’s upset, practically growling out her answer. 

“Taylor,” Tree tries, but it’s clear Taylor’s made her mind up already. 

“I don’t fucking care about the _publicity_ , Tree.” She seethes, and Karlie doesn’t know where this energy has come from, moments ago Taylor was timid and reserved. 

“-I already asked for no photoshoots and no interviews so, no, I don’t want a _new boy_.” 

“There’s an up-and-coming actor, he’s closeted like you, and he needs help-” 

“She said no.” Karlie cuts her off, glaring at the woman. “That’s final.”

“Right,” Tree says, but it doesn’t sound right at all. “We can revisit it later.”

And Taylor hangs her head because she knows what that means, and Karlie tries to remind herself, again, that it’s _just photos_. That Taylor and whoever this boy was, they’d be walking across the street holding hands for a few photos.

It still hurts. It always has. 

But somehow, the rest of the discussion goes smoothly. There’s arguing, of course, but compromises are made. Taylor will do a vogue photoshoot to honor her relationship with Anna Wintour, she’ll do the Jingle Ball and SNL, as always, and there will be secret sessions for the fans. Tree warns the both of them not-so-nicely to be “more careful, for god’s sake”. 

“I’ll see you ladies in a year, then.” Tree says, and rises from her seat. “Best of luck with the new real estate.”

And if she actually meant it, Karlie would’ve thanked her. But she doesn’t, and she can feel the anger radiating from Taylor. She wants this woman the _fuck_ out of this house. 

…  
“I need a glass of wine.”

That’s all Taylor says on the matter, moving towards the kitchen after they’d locked the door. Louis and Harry surface from their bedroom, speaking to them for the first time since this morning,

“She’s horrible.” Louis doesn’t sugarcoat it. “Can’t wait until you fire her.”

From the kitchen, there’s the sound of Taylor uncorking a wine bottle.

“I’ll raise a glass to that.” She calls.

They all laugh at that, and move to join her. 

Karlie wants their life like this, sipping wine with their friends, not worrying about contracts or compromises or concealed secrets. 

It’s something that seems too good to be true. 

But from across the room, Taylor gives her a knowing look. 

_We’ve made it this far._ She tells her. _I can’t do it alone._

And neither can Karlie, so she raises her glass high.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> P.S. I have no qualms with Miss Tree Paine, I've made her character into something a little more interesting, and only for the purposes of this story. I'm sure she's a perfectly nice woman ;) 
> 
> Comment and let me know how you're liking the story!
> 
> \- J xx


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there,
> 
> Thank you all for your patience. I'm trying hard to stick to the posting schedule, but things are a little crazy with school. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> \- J xx

Karlie’s hands are shaking, and not just from the cold. She’s never been this nervous in her entire life. 

Running the NYC marathon, walking runways in stilettos, starting a company from the ground up, moving across the country as a teen, she’d done it all. There have been so many gut-wrenching, pass-out worthy moments in her life, but sitting on Primrose Hill with this little black box in her coat pocket - well, she feels like she’s about to throw up. 

God, she hopes she won’t. That would ruin the mood. 

The ring is custom sized and cut. It had been a painstaking process, but with Harry’s help she’d picked a blue topaz stone circled with diamonds. The ring is the exact color of Taylor’s eyes. It’s beautiful, vintage, and it’s been burning a hole in her sock drawer for the past two weeks. She’s been waiting for the right moment and bringing it with her everyone she goes. 

She can’t seem to find the _right_ moment, though, and it’s not just that she’s nervous. It’s not that she’s worried Taylor will say no, either. It’s that fear, the possible reality that Taylor will _want_ to say yes, but know that she can’t. Karlie’s flashing back to last November, to Taylor sobbing on the bathroom floor because _it’s never going to be normal, Karlie_.

She remembers that night like it was yesterday. All the yelling, the compromises, the give-a-little and get-a-little, and the falling apart because it _still_ wasn’t working. They stayed up well into the early morning debating if it was worth it, if they were worth it. 

They both knew it was, that they were, but fear overtook reason - they were terrified of the consequences. 

They’ve come a long way since then. In the back of her mind, though, Karlie knows Dianna was in the same position - wanting more but losing it all in the end. 

Taylor was left broken because of that proposal. Karlie resented Dianna in a strange way for leaving, even if she got Taylor because of it. 

Speaking of, Taylor is completely unaware of Karlie’s worries, smiling at the moon from where she lies on her back. The two of them are sprawled across a picnic blanket, snuggled together under the stars. Karlie’s heart is pounding and she knows she has to do it now, do it here, where they feel the safest. This is their spot and she wants to make incredible memories here. 

“Jesus. Your hands are frozen,” Taylor complains. She turns closer to Karlie, pressing her face into her shoulder to gain some warmth. “I can’t feel my face it’s so cold.” 

“I like the cold,” Karlie admits, grinning a little. “It’s no worse from New York. We’ll survive.” 

Taylor yawns. She raises her arms above her head, stretching up towards the stars. 

“I was worried I’d built it all up.”

Karlie nuzzles into her girl, trying to warm her up.

“How do you mean?”

“Everything here, in London,” Taylor sighs, and Karlie can tell she means it. “But it’s more than I expected, and,” Taylor snuggles closer to Karlie. “I’m glad we’re moving here.” 

“Me too.” 

Karlie pauses for a moment, willing herself to be brave. 

“Daisy… I need to tell you something.”

Taylor stills for a second. Karlie’s tone sends fear coursing through her.

“What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Hey, easy,” Karlie soothes. “There's nothing’s wrong. I just have to say something.” 

But Karlie’s heart is pounding as she pulls herself to a sitting position. _Don’t back down._

Taylor whimpers when she pulls away, and pouts at Karlie. The temperature is dropping quickly. 

“Shh,” Karlie comforts, tugging on Taylor’s arm. “C’mere, love. I’ve still got you.” 

Reluctantly, Taylor allows Karlie to help her up. The woman pulls Taylor into her lap sideways, an arm around her waist, and now they’re face to face. Taylor’s lips are chapped, her cheeks rosy in the cold, and Karlie thinks she looks the most beautiful here in the moonlight, bare-faced and open-hearted. She loves the little moments like this, them alone together. 

Taylor starts to say something, but Karlie beats her to it. 

“I’ve been thinking hard about this, what I need to tell you, and it all comes back to how I feel,” Karlie lets out a nervous laugh. “The truth is, daisy, I’ve never loved someone like I love you. Not in my entire life. You are the most wonderful, talented, intelligent, beautiful person I’ve ever known,”

“Kar-”

“Taylor, let me say it,” Karlie pleads, knowing she’ll lose her nerve if she stops. “When I first met you, I was _terrified_. I was tempted to lie, to push you away. All the secrets, the cover-ups, the running and hiding, I knew what it would do to me and I thought I wasn’t ready.”

Taylor starts to tear up, her lip quivering, but Karlie pushes on.

“You walked into that room and I knew what you would mean to me. I knew I would fall in love with you, babe,” 

Karlie kisses away a tear as it rolls down Taylor’s cheek. Taylor lets out a quiet noise, something close to a whimper. 

“Shh, angel..." Karlie comforts. "I knew I would regret it. I figured if I messed it up, I’d never get you back.” 

She takes a deep breath and swallows hard, her own eyes burning with building tears. 

“...But, god, we made it work. Yeah?” 

She’s trying to get a response from Taylor but the girl is still blinking away her tears, urging her silently to go on. 

“We’ve proved everyone wrong, love. We’ve fought all the odds, and we’re even more in love. You’re my other half. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with anyone except you.” 

Karlie had planned to get down on one knee but Taylor’s holding on for dear life, tears streaming down her face, and Karlie won’t dare move her. 

She reaches into her coat pocket, flipping the top open with her thumb and presenting the ring box to Taylor.

Taylor gasps, her eyes snapping up to Karlie in complete shock. 

“I know that it won’t be easy. We’ve got a long way to go and a hell of a lot more battles to fight, but… Taylor Alison Swift, will you marry me?”

It’s loud and clear through the quiet night - 

“ _Yes_.” 

“I - _you will_?”

Taylor lets out a sob, her whole body shaking in Karlie’s grip. 

“God, _yes_ , Karlie. Of course I will.” 

Now it’s Karlie who starts to cry. With shaking hands, she slips the ring onto Taylor’s finger. It fits perfectly. The topaz gemstone shines in the moonlight, and Taylor holds it up for her to see, admiring the new jewelry on her hand. 

“It’s so beautiful, Kar.” 

“Just like you.”

Even in the dark, Karlie knows Taylor’s blushing. 

It’s a feeling like no other, alone in the dark, sharing this moment. Everything up until right then had been hidden, thrown aside, or covered up. 

This was right. This was real. This was them.

"Kar," Taylor giggles against her mouth, in between hasty kisses. "We're gonna be in so much trouble."

Karlie knows this, but she also knows her love for the girl she's holding outweighs anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Comment, like, and stay tuned for more. ;)
> 
> \- J xx


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! I'm off schedule and I know it, sorry! Here's hoping the other chapter I'm working on will be posted today. 
> 
> Love you guys. Thanks for all the comments and kudos.
> 
> \- J xx

“I love you.” 

Karlie keeps saying it. Over and over again.

It’s well after midnight and they’re stumbling in the dark, tripping over their feet and each other, calling out to Brandon and giggling like schoolgirls. 

It doesn’t matter, the problems they’ll face later. It doesn’t matter, the phone calls they’ll get. It doesn’t matter, the meetings they’ll attend when management finds out. It doesn’t matter, the damage control, the hiding, their mother’s disappointment and their friend’s shock.

They’re reckless and riding the high of the excitement that comes with it. They don’t care. 

And it feels like _freedom_. 

Taylor has never felt such happiness before, such raw unfiltered happiness that isn’t the result of a high on stage or that lighting bolt moment in songwriting. 

This was right and real and Karlie felt exactly the same next to her, snaking an arm around her waist to pull Taylor even closer.

“I’m so fuckin’ lucky,” Taylor croaks out, for the lump in her throat is only growing and the tears still haven’t slowed. “I love you more.”

Even in the dark, Taylor knows Karlie is smiling.

“I love you most.” 

… 

They get home at two am. Louis and Harry are waiting in the living room, desperate for news, any news. 

Harry knows not to be optimistic, knows how complicated relationships like these are, knows Taylor is smart and realistic and will make the right choice, even if it destroys her.

You can imagine his utter _relief_ when the girls walk in holding hands, mascara running, eyes shining. 

Taylor’s got the ring on her finger, the one Karlie and him picked out.

Thank god. 

“Congratulations!” Louis shouts, rocketing forward and enveloping the couple in a bear hug. 

There is laughter and more tears, jokes and celebration and the popping of champagne. It’s spilling over the counter, onto their hands, staining Taylor’s top and the girls can’t stop laughing. 

Karlie’s heart may burst. She realizes something as she watches her fiance show off the ring -

_That’s my girl. I get to marry that girl._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and let me know what you thought! Stay tuned for another chapter.
> 
> \- J xx


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back again! Thanks for being patient everyone.
> 
> Love you all!
> 
> \- J xx

This was not happening.

It was a lot, and Karlie could deal with the dress. The sequins were annoying as hell and she felt like a disco queen in front of funhouse mirror, but she could take it. She could take the bright lights, the heels, even the ridiculous purple lipstick. It was all part of the territory, the characters she played, she’s done it thousands of times.

What she can’t take? The looks. The whispers. The _stares_.

It felt like everyone in the studio was watching the two of them. There are millions of things the cameramen and lighting teams could be doing, but no, they’re gawking. Even the makeup artists are shameless about it, whispering to each other and stealing glances every so often.

Taylor, clad in a red mini skirt, silk blouse, and louboutins, is sitting on an overturned shoebox and helping Karlie with her belt. She’s posing as the ever-caring, ever-helpful best friend, but Karlie knows what everyone else is thinking.

_...Why is she here?_

And yes, singer-songwriter Miss (Mrs.) Swift has no business on a photo set, but Karlie wants her there, and what she says goes.

The truth is, Karlie needs her fiance to accompany her on this shoot. She’s feeling the pressure from Carolina Herrera with her new fragrance promotion and that feeling in her stomach, well, it hasn’t gone away since this morning.

“It’s so over the top,” Karlie glances down at the dress. “I don’t like it.”

“I do,” Taylor giggles, her eyes wide with excitement. She pokes at the sequins, which are so carelessly sewn on they may slide off at any moment. “Sparkly.”

“Everyone’s watching us.”

“No, they’re not.”

“They’re staring.”

“They’re watching me helping you, love,” Taylor tells her. “They’re not _watching us_.”

Later, though, when the final touches are being put on and Karlie’s assistant is reading her the schedule for the rest of the day, Taylor knows something is off.

It’s in her expression, her posture, the way she’s stiffening at every loud noise or bright light and how her eyes are darting around the room. She’s nervous.

Karlie never gets nervous. Not on set.

“They’re ready for you in five, Kloss!” A worker yells from the studio.

Karlie’s flashes a weak smile in his direction and the makeup artist vanishes, leaving the two of them alone under the lights.

“Look at me,” Taylor says softly. “Do you want to tell me something before you go out there?”

Karlie looks at her for a moment, and to Taylor’s horror, lets out a sob.

“Easy,” Taylor soothes, and she pulls Karlie firmly from her chair and moves quickly to the dressing room away from prying eyes. “It’s okay, it’s okay,”

“I _can’t-”_

“I’ve got you,” Taylor promises, and locks the door behind them. “I’m not going anywhere, love. Tell me.”

“I just - I feel like -” Karlie cries out again, this time in frustration. “I’m gonna mess this up, the campaign, and they’re already watching us and you’re here and-”

Taylor stiffens briefly.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“What?” Karlie’s eyes widen in surprise. “N-No! That’s not what I meant.”

_“_ What did you mean?”

“I feel like I’m gonna throw up,” Karlie admits, her voice barely a whisper. “I’m so nervous, I- I thought I could jump back into everything, but now that we’re…” She trails off, nodding at Taylor’s hand. “It’s so much more of a secret.”

Taylor looks down at her left hand, the wedding ring moved to another finger today. It looked fancy, but not out of place.

There’s a moment of silence and Karlie lets out a long sigh. She reaches up and dabs underneath her eyes, trying to salvage her mascara.

“I’m just making a big deal out of nothing. I’m sorry.”

“Karlie, don't. Don’t apologize.”

“I mean it.”

“Do we need to push the reality check button, then?” Taylor teases, and reaches out to grab Karlie’s hand.

“First of all, you’re rocking the dress. It’s a lot of glitter, I’ll admit, but there’s nothing wrong with a lot of glitter.”

Karlie looks down sheepishly, and Taylor pulls her chin back up gently.

“Look at me, babe,” She requests. “You’re not gonna ‘ruin’ anything. You’ve got this. It’s a photoshoot. How many photoshoots have you done in your lifetime? _So man_ y.”

Taylor drags it out, making Karlie laugh a little, slowly easing her nerves.

“And you know what?” Taylor moves closer to her girl. “I could give less of a damn what people think they know about us. We’re getting married, Kar,” She whispers it, though they’re the only people in the dressing room. “We’re getting married. If no one knew four years ago, they’re not going to know right now.”

Karlie swallows hard and forces a nod. She’s feeling less flustered.

“Okay?” Taylor’s searching for any doubt written on Karlie’s face, any fear. “If you’re nervous, then be nervous. It just means you’re paying attention.”

“Fuck, I love you,” Karlie says, laughing out a sob as her chest heaves again. “I’m s-sorry I’m such a mess right now.”

“My sweet girl,” Taylor kisses her forehead. “Shh. You’re my mess.”

…

 

They emerge quietly, Karlie’s mascara only a little smudged. Taylor watches from backstage as Karlie takes a deep breath, straightens her shoulders, and moves onto set.

And Karlie becomes a completely different person.

It’s miraculous to see, really, and Taylor’s cursing herself for not asking to be brought along more often. Karlie’s twirling for the photographer, sequins glinting off the stage lights. She’s a dancer, an actress, a tortured romantic fighting for her love, she’s…

“ _Mine_ ,” Taylor whispers to herself. “That’s my girl.”

…

“Kloss-Swift, I think.”

Taylor says it out of the blue, startling Karlie from her book.

“What?”

They're back at the flat in their bedroom and Taylor's been thinking about this for the past twenty minutes, unsure of how to introduce the idea to Karlie.

“Kloss-Swift,” Taylor repeats. “For the wedding… is that okay? I think it sounds better than ‘Swift-Kloss.’”

Taylor frowns suddenly.

“Wait, hold on. Kloss- _Swift_? _Swift_ -Kloss,” She shakes her head. “No, the first one is better. 'Cause of the emphasis, it makes more sense.”

Karlie holds back a laugh and smiles instead, because she’s thrilled they even get to discuss this.

“I’m not partial to either. The only people getting to hear it are us, so…”

“And our parents,” Taylor mumbles, looking down. “And your sisters and Austin, Ed, Cara, Martha...”

“Hey, okay. That's fine, love,” Karlie realizes how important it is to her. “Kloss-Swift is perfect.”

“Yeah?” Taylor beams.

Karlie raises an eyebrow. “You think I could tell that face no?”

Taylor giggles and Karlie throws her book aside and pulls her in for a kiss. She’s counting her blessings, really, because this is all too good to be true.

…

 Later that week Taylor receives an email, bursts into tears, and goes to find Karlie.

The model is sitting cross-legged on the sofa. She’s got a computer in her lap, no doubt looking through photoshoots or cookie recipes. Or both.

Taylor swallows hard, willing the lump in her throat to go away. It won't. This was always the hardest part. Even after all these years, all these contracts, she feels like crawling into a hole. She looks a mess. Her eyeliner is running, lipstick ruined, temples throbbing, and she hates this - how vulnerable their situation makes her feel.

Calvin. Then Tom. Now this. How many were there before? She honestly doesn't remember. God know's there are slideshows all over the internet she can flip through.

“Kar? Can we talk for a second?”

Her voice is raw, wrecked. She'd sobbed in the bathroom before all this and debated calling her mother, but no. Karlie was the only one who would understand. She _needed_ her to understand. 

Karlie turns around immediately, her face falling when she sees Taylor’s red, swollen eyes.

“...Daisy?”

Taylor bursts into tears again and Karlie rushes to her, pulling the smaller girl into her arms. The two of them fall back onto the couch and everything that had been built up, everything she'd tried to push away, comes rushing out. Taylor's crying _so_ hard she can barely breathe, muffling her sobs into Karlie chest.

...

From inside Harry's office, Louis is tempted to run out and comfort the both of them, to solve the problems he has faced in different forms, but knew the pain all the same.

"It's not your place," Harry reminds him firmly, reaching over to pull his husband back. "C'mere, Lou."

"But she's _crying._  Haz, please,"  
  
"Don't. You know better."

"We could help-" He argues.

"No, we couldn't. They need each other right now. Let them have the moment in private."

Louis returns to Harry, sulking, crawls back into his lap, and forces himself to stop eavesdropping.

It didn't matter, really. Taylor's crying was loud enough for them both to hear.

...

“I’m - sorry,” She gasps, hiccuping over her sobs. “I - tried - I’m sorry.”

Karlie can’t understand half of what Taylor’s saying. Her words are too garbled by her tears. Taylor can’t catch her breath and Karlie tries to sit her up, help her get air. It only makes the girl panic and clutch harder to her.

“I’m here,” Karlie soothes, deciding to stop her movements and hug Taylor closer instead. “Breathe, love. I’m not going anywhere. Just tell me what happened, please?"

“I’m… sorry.”

Karlie's trying hard not to panic because she's got no idea where the relief inhaler is, but eventually, she comes around. Taylor looks up at her, still gasping a little, and tells her the words Karlie’s been expecting all week.

“His name is Joe,” Taylor chokes out, and now she’s angry, her words fiery. “Tree already made her decision. I-I should’ve fought harder, I should've - think of what they're going to write, Karlie! I can't, I don't-”

She's panicking and they don't deserve this. Any of it. 

“It’s not your fault.” Karlie tells her firmly, and grabs her by the shoulders. “Taylor Swift, look at me right now!"

Taylor goes still, her eyes widening at Karlie's tone.

"You will _not_ blame yourself. We knew it might happen. We can get through it."

“I don’t want to anymore,” Taylor’s still crying, her chest heaving, breathing wild. “I hate it, Karlie.”

And right then and there, with Taylor sobbing into her chest, Karlie makes a decision.

Tree Paine is done. The compromises are done. The negotiating is done. It was their terms or no terms.

And if she has to fire that woman, if she has to _ruin_ that woman, she will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? Stay tuned for another chapter next week.
> 
> \- J xx


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves,
> 
> I'm posting early this week because my schedule is RIDICULOUS and the trimester is ending soon. That means less time to write and more stress ;/
> 
> Thanks so much for all the kudos and comments. I'm glad you love the story as much as I do, hah.
> 
> Enjoy, and stay tuned for more!
> 
> \- J xx

The girls go to bed after that, though not before Karlie gives Taylor a strong dosage for her headache and forces her to down a glass of water.

Karlie closes the fridge, looking at her fiancee.

“Do you want to talk about it, or are we doing this tomorrow?”

It's quiet for a moment, and Taylor stares down at the glass cradled in her hands, still half-full. Her feet swing nervously under the counter.

“I guess," She starts. "I’m really…” She sighs, shaking her head a little. “No, I’m just sorry.”

“You’re not allowed to use those words anymore,” Karlie says. “I’m removing them from your vocabulary.”

“But I _am_ ,” Taylor insists. “I’m serious.”

“I’m serious too,” Her fiancee fires back. “And if you say that again like it’s actually your fault, I’m going to be upset.”

“Karlie-” Taylor tries quietly. “I didn’t mean-”

“I don’t care,” Karlie nods at the glass she’s holding. “Finish that and we can go to bed.”

"Are you mad?" Taylor exclaims, surprise coloring her tone this time.

"No," Karlie calls over her shoulder. "But I’m tired of you always blaming yourself."

Taylor swallows the lump in her throat that hasn’t left all evening. The tears are already building in her eyes.

Karlie leaves her fiancee in the kitchen, too lost in thought to notice that Taylor promptly dumps the water down the drain.

She’d learned long ago they didn’t help with the headaches. Nothing did.

…

“They’re a lot like us, you know.”

It's dark in their bedroom but Harry knows exactly what Louis' expression is. Eyebrows drawn together, lips curled in a bit, head tilted just so. He always looked that way when contemplating something rather complex.

“Mm," Harry agrees. "Karlie reminds me of you, it's the way she focuses on everyone but herself.”

“And Taylor's like you,” Louis comments, his eyes drooping closed as Harry rubs at his shoulders. “You both act the same way… towards it all."

Harry nods thoughtfully.

“Karlie’s protective the same way, though," The boy adds. "I’ve noticed it a lot.”

Harry smiles at the thought, leaning in to kiss Louis’s shoulder. “Yes, she is. And Taylor’s got the same energy that you do.”

Louis goes quiet for a little while, turning around to face Harry when he asks -

“How much longer do you think?”

It would be vague to anyone else. Harry knows exactly what Louis means.

“Not tonight.”

“Please?”

“Lou," Harry says firmly "No."

Despite what they had argued about days earlier, Harry hated discussing all things contract-related. He found it too depressing and counterproductive, especially when they were in the middle of nice moments like these. Louis knows this. He knows he’s pushing his luck when he persists, but everything with the girls earlier has triggered bad memories. He needs that reassurance from Harry now, that reminder of their future, of what they might one day have.

Might.

“I’m sorry. I know the rules,” -Though he’s not really sorry.- “I just - they _deserve_ it. They deserve the freedom as much as we do, don’t they?”

“Of course they do,” Harry nods. “But their situation is different from ours, Lou, and much more complicated.”

“It’s been seven years.”

It’s not a reminder. Harry knows.

“Nearly,” He gives Louis a small smile. “And they’ve waited almost five. We’re nearly there, love. They hate it too, I promise.”

“I just can’t wait much longer.” Louis says quietly.

Harry grows more serious.

“I know you can’t.”

Louis turns around completely, wiggling his way into Harry's arms.

"Can I tell you a secret?" He whispers, and Harry draws him closer.

"Anytime."

“When it happens,” Louis confesses. “I want to walk in Central Park with you.”

“...New York? Why?”

“Dunno," He admits. "But I want to walk through Central Park with you and hold your hand. I want to look like a proper couple and…” Louis trails off for a moment. “I want it to be so goddamn _real_ that everyone knows we’re not going anywhere and that you’re mine.”

“Fuck, I love you,” Harry says, and he’s got a massive grin on his face. “We can make that happen.”

They don’t talk anymore after that. Louis snuggles closer to Harry and the bigger boy envelopes him into a proper hug. They fall asleep that way, but Louis can’t seem to shake the sound of Taylor’s crying before he does.

… 

“You can’t pull rank just because you don’t agree!”

“Well, I’m pulling rank here,” Taylor snaps. “We can’t fire Tree, Karlie. Not even if we wanted to. We have to wait until the album is out.”

They're in Jack's apartment in Manchester, in the spare bedroom. Taylor had been trying to record a new song, but Jack got called away on emergency sound engineering. They didn't ask questions. They were too busy arguing. Actually, they still are.

“Bullshit.”

“Really?” Taylor’s tone grows dangerously cold. “Because you know, the last time I tried this, I was about to get married.”

Karlie's eyes snap up, widening in shock.

“ _Don’t_.” She warns.

“It’s been five years and she’s not the same,” Taylor continues. “Neither am I,” Her anger is growing, her eyes darkening. “So don’t call _bullshit_ on me. I know what can happen. You think I want it to fall apart again?”

Again?

It stings. Was that all Karlie was to her? A stand-in? A do-over?

“This isn’t about her,” Karlie growls, and she’s furious now. “It’s not going to happen that way again.”

“Maybe not. But management will go berserk,”

Taylor starts ticking the reasons off on her fingers.

“My mother will think I’ve lost it, PR is going to be shit for weeks while they try and find someone new, _Scott_ , I can’t even fathom what he'll say.”

"We already said that PR and managing don't have a say in this, that your assistant manages detailing and that's it," Karlie argues. "I'm saying we need someone other than that _bitch_ to tell us what we can and can't do! Is that so ridiculous?"

"I said it wasn't up for discussion."

There's a finality to her tone that drives Karlie crazy. It wasn't just for her to decide.

"I'm fucking tired of you playing that card," She snarls. "We do this together. It's my life too. It's not 'all or nothing', we can compromise."

"Not all or nothing?" Taylor laughs, bordering on hysteria. "We're talking about a career I've built over the last decade that's worth half a _billion_ dollars, and you're saying it's not all or nothing? Do you have any idea what one mistake can do?"

She snaps her fingers just to spite her.

"Like that." She does it again. "I mean it. Gone."

It takes all Karlie has in her to not turn and storm off. They needed to fix this. One way or another.

"I'm saying you have a choice-"

"How do you not understand this?" Taylor shrieks, rounding on the girl with a fire in her eyes. "It's not my choice anymore! It hasn't been since my debut went to number one. I was _fifteen_ ," She reminds, as if Karlie doesn't know, as if she hasn't heard this story countless times before.

"I've got millions of teenage girls who want another album and I have to give it to them, so, yes, it is 'all'. It has always been 'all'." Taylor looks back up at her, and smirks. "Not that you could understand."

It's petty and low and Karlie understands that Taylor is tired, that she is weary of what they do to maintain this secret and no doubt fed up with the consequences they face daily...

But there's something about the way she _said_ it that pushes her to the limit. It's building inside of her, thrashing, pounding against her chest, and suddenly- 

"I think I understand why Dianna left you."

Karlie says it quiet, so quiet, but as she does, breaks Taylor into a million pieces.

Everything changes in that one second and Karlie's entire body lights up with adrenaline, regret flowing through her veins seconds later at lightning speed.

“I..." She stammers, blinking wildly at Karlie. "... _What_?"

Taylor's voice is smaller, so hollow, so broken. She can't find words, can't comprehend how someone she loves could say something that heartbraking to her.

“Daisy-”

Taylor’s lip trembles, her eyes brimming with tears. For a moment, Karlie realizes, she looks exactly like she did that night in the dressing room - wide eyed and nervous. With unshed tears, blushed cheeks, and a resolve like none other. It was her game face.

" _Stop_. That's not my name," She chokes out, struggling hard not to break. "And you don't get to call me that anymore."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? Comment below :)
> 
> Stay tuned for more!
> 
> \- J xx


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, I'm sorry about the last chapter. I needed to put it in there, though. It's an important part of their story, and it does end up okay in the end, I promise. 
> 
> Love you guys. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the comments and kudos. It really keeps me going. 
> 
> \- J xx

Karlie doesn’t let her walk away. 

She runs after her, because they are not quitters. If there’s anything in her life she gives a damn enough about to fight for, to fall to her knees and beg for, it’s Taylor. It’s Taylor fuckin’ Swift and she’s not letting her walk away. 

“I didn’t mean it,” Karlie swears, rushing out into the living room. “I promise, I wouldn’t-”

Taylor spins around to face Karlie, but she’s not crying. She’s completely calm, resolved, her eyes dry. It makes it all that much scarier when she leans in close and says in a quiet, controlled voice -

“Do you have any idea what that just did to me? To us?” 

“I-I didn’t mean it,” Karlie stammers, and her hands are still shaking from the adrenaline. “You know I didn’t. I wouldn’t ever, I just got upset-”

“Stop talking.” Taylor seethes. “Now.”

Karlie winces. She hangs her head, trying to hold in tears.

“You’re going to listen, because if you ‘think’ you know what happened, you’ve really got no clue. Do you have any idea how ruined I was when it happened?” Taylor demands, her voice rising. “How heartbroken?”

Karlie shakes her head, and she knows where this is going. 

“No,” Taylor scoffs. “So you don’t ‘understand’. You weren’t there when I sobbed for days. You weren’t there when I didn’t leave my apartment for weeks,”

Now the tears come. They are regretful and hot, tracking down Karlie’s cheeks and searing her eyes and throat. She gasps, her chest heaving. 

“You weren’t there,” Taylor repeats. “When I left the ring on for _months_ after she left,”

Karlie’s face twists in pain.

“She left because I forced her away. She did not leave me in spite or anger or regret, Karlie. She left because management threatened her career, her image, and her good name.”

Karlie’s stomach churns. The nausea was settling in now, coming in waves, and she thinks she might throw up.

“So I dared her to leave and she did,” Taylor continues, and her voice wavers, threatening to break. “It was on me, it was my mistake, so imagine how fucking _terrified_ I was when I fell in love with you.”

_No. Don’t. Please._

“Imagine how _terrified_ I felt when I realized I wanted you, Karlie, right after she left. Just as I was mending my broken heart. Do you have any idea? Can you even imagine? I was at a loss. I couldn’t comprehend the extent of my love for you.” 

Taylor laughs spitefully. “Christ, I was starstruck by it. By you.”

“Taylor,” Karlie tries, but her voice won’t work right. “I’m so sorry.” 

“I’ve only loved one person more than I loved her,” Taylor says quietly. 

And Karlie knows what she’s going to say, knows it will make her words all the more painful, all the more selfish.

“...You.” 

… 

Taylor doesn’t remember the car ride home. 

She doesn’t remember walking down the street, up two flights of stairs, and into their bedroom. She doesn't remember the look on Harry's face, or the comments Louis made. 

She remembers earlier, and the tears and apologies and the absolute look of _relief_ on Karlie’s face when she forgave her, but nothing else. 

Nevertheless, they’re here now. Karlie is propped up in bed against the pillows, holding Taylor to her chest, rocking her gently. 

“Your past is none of my business,” She says, and Taylor leans in closer, breathes in her perfume. 

"But it's something that exists," Taylor reminds her. "And I understand why you felt the way you did. You're not a stand-in, babe," She promises, and Karlie squeezes her gently in response. "You're not a do-over." 

“Still, your future is something I am privileged to be a part of, something I’m grateful I get to witness, and it was selfish of me to put those past mistakes on you. I need you to understand that.” 

The two of them are quiet. It’s the calm after the storm. 

“I understand,” Taylor whispers. “And I do forgive you.”

“I’m working on my temper."

"I know."

"I swear I didn't mean it. I wouldn't ever accuse, or put that on you. She didn't leave you because of... well, it wasn't on you. It was selfish of me to think so." 

“I know.” Taylor repeats. 

“I love you more than anything.” 

There’s something missing, though. Taylor sits up, eyebrows drawing together.

“What?”

“I love you.” Karlie repeats.

Taylor shakes her head. “You’re not saying it right.”

Karlie stares at her, bewildered, until she realizes what Taylor means. It brings tears to her eyes.

“...Daisy?”

“Yes,” Taylor laughs, and leans forward to kiss Karlie, who’s blinking away the tears and struggling to pretend they’re not there. “I’m your daisy.”

“My daisy,” Karlie murmurs, deepening the kiss and twisting her fingers through Taylor’s hair. “You’re my daisy.”

“Always.” 

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment below and tell me what you thought!
> 
> Stay tuned for another chapter. 
> 
> \- J xx


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Early posting again, but I'm actually planning to post again this week.
> 
> Thank you for your comments and kudos.
> 
> Love you guys.
> 
> \- J xx

Taylor has to leave the next morning for New York. Karlie was expecting it. She knew things needed to be sorted out at headquarters, that some people would be fired, terms would be laid down.

It was change. It was good.

But it’s hard to drop her off at the airport. It’s hard to say goodbye. It’s hard for Karlie to hide in the back of the car with the tinted windows and dark sunglasses on, after nearly a month of freedom.

It’s hard to hide. It always has been.

Taylor tries her best to soothe her fiance, but she isn’t even wearing the ring. The topaz is hidden on a chain under her sweater, hidden like everything else.

“It’ll be okay,” She murmurs, and Karlie presses a kiss to the corner of her mouth, careful to not smear her lipstick. “Look at me. I’m trying to fix what I can. It’ll set things in motion. The bigger stuff comes after all of the smaller stuff, yeah? I've got to plan. _We've go to.” She corrects._

“I want to come with you.”

Taylor offers a gentle smile.

"Oh, sunshine. I wish you could,” She kisses Karlie again, a goodbye kiss this time. “I love you to pieces, though, and we’ll face-time every night.”

“Fly safe, Daisy.”

Taylor pretends to salute. “Yes ma’am.”

“And you,” Karlie points at Brandon. “You watch her out there. That’s my future wife you’re protecting.”

Brandon grins at that, copying Taylor’s salute.

“Scouts honor, Kloss.”

But Karlie is still uneasy, and a glance out the car window tells her that the paparazzi will be ruthless. She doesn't know who tipped them off, but they're waiting in groups, eager to pounce.

"We can't go straight to the runway?"

"They need pictures," Taylor says quietly. "It's the last time before I disappear, remember?" Taylor scans Karlie's face, desperate to calm her nerves. "I love you."

"Please be careful." Karlie begs. "Stay close to Brandon."

That’s the last Karlie sees of Taylor. Brandon pulls the dividing curtain between them from the front seat, and steps out of the car. Karlie knows Taylor is outside when she hears the camera flashes.

_Taylor! Where’s the new boy toy? Where’s Joe?_

_Taylor! Taylor! Over here, sweetheart._

_Miss Swift! What does Joe think of your career?_

_How is he handling the success? Taylor! Over here please!_

Karlie swallows a growl, puts in her earbuds, and nods at the driver. Back to Manchester they go.

…

Back at the flat, Louis is waiting with a stack of real estate magazines.

Karlie laughs as she locks the door behind her, scanning the crowded coffee table. There were several issues of The English Home amongst others.

“You trying to tell me something, Tommo?”

“Time to move out,” Louis returns, dry English humor in full force. “You girls can’t dominate the man cave anymore.”

“Mhm. The man cave,” Harry nods seriously from where he sits on the counter, though his eyes give him away.

Louis spins around.

“Fuck off, H.”

“Glad to, love.”

Karlie takes that as her cue to leave, and she tucks the stack of glossy pages under her arm, making her way towards the bedroom.

…

New York

Taylor is jet-lagged and covered in coffee. Interestingly enough, it’s not her own. She doesn’t like black coffee. She didn’t think anyone did anymore, but she is in New York, and the assistant that delivered the drinks had somehow spilled a cup on her skirt.

“I’m so, so, sorry Miss Swift,” He’s struggling to apologize, growing more flustered by the minute. “We can get some towels and clean this up-”

“Taylor,” She interrupts, smiling gently at the boy. He’s no more than sixteen. “Call me Taylor. It’s completely fine. Look, I’ve got a jacket I can wear over the dress.”

The boy nods, and she realizes he’s wearing a name tag. Max.

“I-I,” He stammers, and his cheeks are reddening. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, Max. It’s alright. Take a breath.”

He thanks her profusely, apologizes once more, and scurries off.

It breaks her heart a little, when people are off-put by her kindness. Why should she stop smiling, stop caring, or stop thanking people? Because of her job? If anything, her job was all about the people, and showing her gratitude for their own kindness towards her.

It makes her miss Karlie. Karlie always makes an effort to smile at everyone, even the people she didn’t know. She was like the sun, lighting up an entire room.

…

_“Taylor, I need you to really listen to me. Are you absolutely sure?”_

Andrea’s fear is loud and clear over the line. Taylor’s got her on speaker in the car as they drive to yet another meeting.

“I’ve had too many problems with her,” Taylor explains. “She makes everything personal and she doesn’t like Karlie. I’ve had enough.”

There’s a sigh from her mother on the other line. Taylor can picture her pacing the floors of her Nashville home, a nervous habit she’d picked up years ago.

_“I just worry about what they’ll think. Won’t Scott be mad?”_

Taylor laughs. “Scott won’t give a damn so long as I put the album out on time.”

_“But she’s your PA, Taylor,” Andrea reminds. “You need an assistant at all times.”_

“Maybe, but Karlie and I are going to be house hunting for the next few weeks anyways. We’ve got Annie for that.”

_“If you’re sure.”_

“I’m sure, Mom.”

She hangs up after that, and Brandon gives her a slight nod from the rearview mirror.

Taylor sighs, scrubbing a hand over her face in frustration.

“I dunno, B. Everyone’s making me feel like this is some horrible idea.” She pauses. “But I’ve got to fire her, right?”

“Who cares what they think?” Brandon scoffs. “You’ve got the control in this situation, Swift. Use it.”

So she would.

…

“I highly doubt that the fan base would react positively. Perhaps another idea?”

Taylor doesn’t even remember meeting this woman, but if she uses ‘perhaps’ one more time, she’ll lose it. Apparently Martha is the new marketing executive, and she seems to think that whatever she says goes.

“I’ll repeat myself again,” Taylor says, struggling to keep frustrations at bay. “A complete media blackout brings mystery to the table, and fans will wonder what it is I’m working on, what the next album will bring, everything else falls into place, just behind the scenes. I've already discussed this several times. I'm not sure where the message is getting lost.”

Jack, her PA from BMR, is nodding.

“It will also take pressure off of her for the time being. Media coverage is full-blast at the moment, after what happened last summer.”

Taylor winces.

“Fine.” Martha purses her lips. “I’ll file the request. I can’t promise it’ll be approved-”

“I’ve already talked with management about this,” Taylor fires back, all pleasantries dissipating. “It will be. Feel free to email Jack when you get word back. I’d like this to happen now.”

“Alright. Thank you, Miss Swift.”

Taylor nods curtly, and Martha and her assistants exit the room, leaving Jack and Taylor alone.

…

“Theresa Paine is requesting a meeting with Mr. Borchetta next week.”

Taylor looks up, a weary expression surfacing.

“I… I’m not sure what to tell her.”

“She’s been let go,” Taylor answers. “I want nothing to do with her, and neither does Scott.”

Jack nods quickly, leaving the room as he dials someone, god knows who, to tell Tree Paine to fuck off.

For once, Taylor wishes she could handle those phone calls. She glances at her phone. It’s not even lunch time.

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Please comment below if you enjoyed the story - tell me what you thought. :)
> 
> \- J xx


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya!
> 
> Things are about to get exciting after this chapter, and I'm sorry to say there's only a few left. I don't want to give a definite number, but I'm thinking around 5 or 6. 
> 
> Thank you so, so much for reading and commenting and giving kudos, the like. You lot are amazing. I'm super grateful, and it makes my day when you say you like the story.
> 
> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> \- J xx

“ _...Three more days_ ,” Taylor promises, and she sounds exhausted over the phone. “ _I’m sorry that it keeps changing. Things are crazy down here_.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Karlie looks towards Annie, who is busy bargaining with yet another real estate agent. “We’re plenty busy over here.”

Taylor seems to shoot awake on the other line.

“ _Oh_?” There’s teasing in her tone now. “ _Maybe I’ll stay a little longer then, you know, if you’re alright by yourself_.”

“Don’t even joke,” Karlie warns. “I want you back the minute you’re allowed. It’s lonely going to bed without you.”

“ _Aww, babe_.”

“Yeah, watch it, Daisy.”

“ _Well_ ,” Taylor yawns. " _I’m safe all the way over here from your wrath_.”

Karlie quirks an eyebrow. “I suppose,” She looks at her watch and winces. “Jesus, Tay. Go to bed.”

A sleepy “ _plannin' on it_ ” is all Karlie gets in return before the girl hangs up on her, though Karlie suspects it's an accident. 

Karlie chuckles, and turns off the device before heading over to the two women chatting about floor plans. 

Things were coming together, one way or another, and Karlie was determined to have a deposit down by the time Taylor was back in the UK. They needed this, something constant. A new house meant new memories, meant new laughter and tears, and for once Karlie wanted to worry about their private future instead of their public one. 

… 

 

Taylor wakes up two hours later to write songs, (nothing surprising there) but also with a sense of recklessness. She debates it for a minute, reaches into her purse, and dials Karlie. 

“ _Tay_?” Karlie’s voice is tight, anxious. “ _Love, what’s wrong? What happened?_ ”

“Nothing,” Taylor swears, and settles back into the sheets, eyes closed. “Can you humor me? For a second?”

Even through the phone, Taylor knows Karlie is smiling.

“ _Happy to. Go on_.” 

“Us, introducing… us, to the world,” Taylor starts slowly. “Do you think management would go for after the tour?”

There’s a moment of silence. More than a moment, actually. Taylor hears the rustling of sheets and knows Karlie is sitting up in bed, rubbing at her eyes and starting to think hard.

“ _Yes_.”

Taylor exhales sharply. 

“Really?”

“ _As far as logistics go? Yes. Hypothetically, you’re out of the public eye anyways because it’s post-world tour, and if we pitch a best-friend reconciliation, chalk it up to the whole “soulmate” thing again, yes…_ ” Karlie says. “ _I think it would work. Worst comes to worst, you can always sell a greatest hits record without promotion_.”

“And I’m planning on doing this album without extensive media focus.”

“ _I think the Kode with Klossy girls would support us, too. That’s a good platform_.”

“A good portion of the fans are progressive. I’d assume a large group of the conservative ones secretly support LGBTQ.”

“ _Fingers crossed_.” 

“Karlie, are we really gonna ask them?” Taylor asks, and there’s that tiny bloom of excitement in her chest. She’s determined to hold onto to it before it fades again. “Are we gonna pitch this?” 

Another long pause. 

“ _Daisy, do I need to get on a plane_?”

Taylor laughs, because it’s one in the morning in London and Karlie is willing to get on a plane for her and five years ago, the concept of someone loving her that much would’ve been a foolish fever dream. 

But it’s not, it’s real, and Karlie is waiting for her answer.

“I think so.” 

… 

“Lou,” Harry shakes the boy gently. “Lou, wake up.” 

Louis stirs next to him, blinking the sleep from his eyes and searching for Harry in the dark.

“What?”

“Hold on.”

Harry heaves himself into a sitting position, reaching for the lamp. He clicks it on and Louis hisses, throwing an arm up to cover his face.

“..Fuck’s sake, _what_?” 

“Shh,” Harry hisses. “I think something happened. Do you hear that?” 

Both men are silent for a moment, listening hard. 

“Is that Karlie?” 

A door slams in the distance - bam - and footsteps rush down the hall.

“I’m going to make sure she’s okay,” Harry says quietly, pushing the covers off. “I’ll be right back. Don’t move.” 

Louis groans and flops back onto the bed. He loves those girls, he really does, but it’s no secret they’re a complicated pair. 

… 

 

_Socks. Shoes. I’ll wear this to the airport. Fuck, I have to call a car. Where is my phone?_

Karlie prides herself on being level-headed during high-stress situations, but this is not one of those situations. The anxiety is hitting her in full force as she packs her suitcase. She’d said yes over the phone and she still stood by her answer, but damn, she’s realizing the weight of her words - of what they’re about to set into motion. 

“Karlie?”

Karlie whirls around, locking eyes with Harry. The man’s hair is sticking up in every direction and squinting at her in the faint light of the hallway.

“Hi,” She says, and she’s still breathless from the adrenaline. “I… um, I have to leave for New York.” 

He glances down at the clothes she’s trying to shove into the bag.

“Do you need a ride?”

And at that moment, Karlie knows they couldn’t have chosen a better pair pair of people to call their friends. 

… 

The boys get dressed in a matter of minutes, and the three of them are on the runway in half an hour. Karlie’s not sure how many traffic laws Louis broke on the way there, but Harry assures her not to worry about it.

“I want you to call me,” He says, raising his voice to be heard over the wind. “The minute it’s over. You get out of that meeting and you dial, understand? I don’t care what time it is.” 

“Harry, I,” Karlie’s tearing up, blinking rapidly, and it’s not just from the heavy gusts. “Thank you. Both of you,” She says, reaching out to squeeze Louis’ shoulder. “I can’t even tell you how grateful we are. Taylor and I…” She swallows hard. “I don’t think we realized how valuable people that _understand_ are.” 

Louis leans in and plants a kiss on her cheek.

“Anytime, love.”

She laughs. It’s a complete _Louis_ thing to say. Harry just winks at her.

“Be smart.”

She laughs again, but it’s less genuine. The uncertainty in her stomach is only building. “We’ll try.”

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Please comment and like if you enjoyed it!
> 
> (Stay tuned for more) 
> 
> \- J xx


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh heyyy there.
> 
> I know it's been a little bit. Sorry for that. School has been absolutely insane and I've been everywhere at once trying to get things done.
> 
> Here's another chapter, now that things have calmed down.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> \- J xx

After nearly thirty minutes of arguing, Brandon brings Taylor to meet Karlie on the runway.

The ex-marine knows better. He should’ve forced Taylor into a car. He should’ve asked her to wear the hat, the sunglasses, the regular shoes. If not to protect her job, to protect his. 

But he doesn’t.

He knows these girls and he knows the importance of moments like this; pitch-black, nearly midnight, the lights of the city in the background. 

It’s not something many people realize - the different side to this story. That split-second of pure euphoria as Taylor rips her heels off and all but sprints for Karlie. 

Brandon’s watched this girl achieve her dream, lose it all, and earn it back, piece by piece, moment by moment.

He looks around, grip like a vice on his flashlight, as if the shadows could take pictures, could spread rumors, could dismantle their lives even further. 

He’ll do whatever he can to protect these two girls. 

...

“Karlie,” Taylor chokes out, crushing her into a bear hug. “ _Karlie_ , oh my god.” 

“Hi there, love.”

“You’re here,” Taylor breathes, and it’s relief in her tone, it’s tension unraveling. “Thank god.” 

“Miss me?” Karlie teases. “I thought you were fine by yourself.” 

She’s still swaying from the force of Taylor’s hug, fingers tight around the girl’s waist. 

“Of course I missed you!”

“Even _all the way over here_ …?” 

“Shut up,” Taylor growls, tightening her grip. “Yes, I really did.” 

Taylor buries her face in the crook of Karlie’s neck and breathes in peppermint and rose and face lotion. 

“So much. God, _so much_.”

“Shh,” Karlie soothes her girl, finally serious. “I’m not going anywhere.” 

Karlie looks up at Brandon, the wind fanning her hair around her, a halo of golden curls. 

“Thank you.” She says. 

The security guard nods stiffly, but from Brandon, that means everything.

… 

Later that night, or rather, early morning, Karlie and Taylor are alone in their hotel room. They're alone for the first time in nearly a month. 

Taylor doesn’t know how either of them have the energy. Karlie is _jet-lagged_ , for god’s sake, and they need to be at headquarters at eight o’clock tomorrow. 

Somehow they muster the strength. Not for anything other than hot, heavy, and hard, of course. 

It’s shameless. It’s passionate. It’s the two of them and their desperate craving for nothing but each other.

They go at each other like they’re going to _war_ , but it’s perfect. 

Taylor thinks she could watch Karlie like that forever; panting hard and in total bliss, her lips parted and head lifted back to the ceiling. 

The heat from the shower leaves their hair in curls and makeup melted, Taylor's eyeliner streaming down her flushed cheeks, grin so wide it hurt her mouth. 

“I missed you, too,” Karlie confesses, sponging soft kisses up and down Taylor’s neck. “Missed this, y’know? Missed _us_.”

….

Early the next morning, the two of them are in the bathroom. Taylor is propped up on the counter, Karlie with a felt tip eyeliner in her hand, struggling to draw on the girl's signature wings.

"Just along the lash line. Flick it out. Connect," Taylor tries to explain, motioning with only her hands because her eyes are closed. "I've seen you do it on yourself before."

"It's a little different, babe," Karlie laughs, but she's trying her best. She manages to get one eye done, and copies the other nearly identically. "Okay, there." 

Taylor had crept behind her moments before, hugging her tight, forehead resting on Karlie's shoulder. Karlie had felt the girl's rapid breathing, chest contracting with panicked motions. In, out. In, out. 

"Please?" She'd asked. "I, my hands are shaking, I, I, can't do it right." 

"Come here," Karlie had replied, lifting the girl gently onto the counter, pressing a kiss to her lips. "I've got you, Daisy. Breathe."

... 

Going in to the meeting, they’re the most nervous they’ve ever been. Karlie can’t remember a time her stomach has been twisted into knots this tight, and Taylor doesn’t know how long ago her hands shook like this - probably the first show she ever did.

The amount of people called to the meeting and the hush-hush nature of the topic should’ve been an indicator, but the silence in the room after Taylor announces their idea is deafening. 

Karlie swallows hard, wondering if she should add another thing or two, mentally kicking herself for not practicing her part another time over, but a woman with a hard jawline and thick glasses beats her to it. 

“Miss Swift, does that _honestly_ seem like a good idea to you?” She says, “We’ve discussed this already. This contract isn’t negotiable.”

To Karlie’s surprise, Taylor balks. Her eyes widen like a deer caught in headlights. 

“I - I -” Taylor stammers, and her cheeks are turning red. “I just meant-”

Oh no, Karlie will be damned if this woman makes Taylor cry.

“Is that an appropriate way to address your boss?” She asks sharply, looking between the two women. 

“All due respect, Miss Kloss, but-”

“It’s Kloss-Swift, now,” Karlie counters, and takes Taylor’s shaking hand into her own underneath the table. “I’ll thank you to be respectful to the both of us. We understand what we’re asking is a lot, but you still owe us the consideration.” 

“I’ll be frank, Miss K- Miss Kloss-Swift,” Martha says, “I’m not sure why you’re here. This has absolutely nothing to do with your career, it likely won’t affect-”

“I’ll stop you right there.” 

And just like that, everyone freezes, because Taylor Swift is standing up. 

Taylor Swift doesn’t stand up in meetings. Karlie watches her, mesmerized by the look on her face, their fingers still interlaced tightly. 

“Get out.” 

“I - Miss Swift, I didn’t mean-”

“Go,” Taylor seethes, and points one manicured finger towards the door. “Karlie is a pivotal part of my life and my career, and despite what you all may think, I _am_ marrying her. She’s not going anywhere. You, however, are wasting my time, and this is a serious discussion we’re trying to have, so _get out_.” 

Martha flushes crimson, her hands shaking a little as she gathers her things and moves out of the room. 

Taylor watches as she goes, her resolve unwavering, her eyes hardening. 

… 

It’s not until they get back to the apartment that the news actually hits them. Taylor sits down on the floor in the living room, calling for Meredith and Olivia, and Karlie settles next to her, struggling to gauge her reaction.

“Taylor,” Karlie tugs at her hand, squeezing it gently. “Tay, love, are you alright?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever believe it,” Taylor says softly, looking up wide-eyed, the way she got when she wrote songs sometimes, wonderstruck. “Not until it happens.”

Karlie slings an arm around the girl, pulling her closer. 

“Eighteen months, Kar,” Taylor says, and she doesn’t even sound like herself, her voice is farther away. “It’s definite. It’s, it’s, _freedom_.” 

Karlie tears up a little at that. She’s still studying Taylor’s face, ready for the girl to panic, realize the control is gone, that the course of action is in their hands. 

“That’s right, baby girl. Eighteen months and we’re free.”

Taylor lets out a laugh, which turns into a little bit of a sob, and Karlie pulls her gently into her lap.

“Hey,” Karlie tries, but her voice has gone a bit rough with emotion. “Shh, Daisy,” She soothes, “You did it.”

“We did,” Taylor chokes out, still somewhere between laughing and crying, maybe borderline hysteria. “We did it together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> Comment below and tell me what you thought?
> 
> \- J xx


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya,
> 
> I'm really sorry about the lack of updates. There's been some scary stuff happening recently in my home town, and I've been busy worrying about that, plus school and grades and other boring things. Everything is alright now, but my school district was shut down for a few days and I had to deal with some other things as a result of that. 
> 
> Hope everyone enjoys this chapter and fingers crossed I post the next one a little faster! 
> 
> \- J xx

So this was it, the first day of everything. The first day of their new beginning. 

Taylor is standing in the doorway of their new apartment in London. She’s speechless. The box in her hand suddenly feels much heavier. 

Karlie had walked in right away, always the more confident of the pair. She’d strut in, set her own box down, and called her fiancee over, but Taylor hadn’t moved. Not yet. 

“I need to take a picture,” Taylor says, to no one in particular, and pulls out her phone. “It’s moving-in day. We need to commemorate this.” 

She hears Karlie laugh from somewhere inside. 

“You sound like a college student.”

“I feel like one!” 

Another laugh. Taylor snaps the picture, takes a deep breath, and walks inside, closing the door behind her.

… 

“Silverware there, cups… here?” Karlie’s flitting about the kitchen, opening and closing drawers and swinging open cupboards. “I don’t know,” She sighs, and looks panicked for a moment, then blushes. “Taylor, stop filming! C’mere, you’re better at this.”

Taylor laughs, and sets down the camera. She’d been capturing the last few hours in little segments, Karlie struggling to make the bed, the two of them opening the coffee machine (and then Taylor almost breaking it).

“Taylor, my love,” Karlie had said in mock-seriousness. “If you really broke it, I’ll be forced to find another wife.”

And Taylor had stared at her for a good moment before bursting in fits of giggles, because she’d said another wife. Taylor was going to be _her wife_ , and Taylor found that a little hysterical, maybe even a little terrifying. 

They were going to do this right. 

“Taylor!” Karlie says again. “Help!” She pressed a hand to her forehead in dramatic fashion. “I can’t do it alone. I _can't_.”

“Just do what makes sense, babe. Look,” She helped Karlie stack some plates and place them on a shelf. “How about this? That way it’s at our height.” 

Taylor couldn’t believe this was happening - everything falling so quickly into place. Years ago when she was much younger (both emotionally and physically), she would dream up these whimsical scenarios, these things she couldn’t have herself, but desperately wanted. 

But they were never close to anything as perfect as this.

Perhaps because she didn’t really let herself dream, ( _This daydream is dangerous_ ). Taylor was aware of the realities of her life and she knew how to be optimistic, but she also knew how to be realistic. 

But how she felt now, with a ring on her finger, the love of her life helping her to rebuild what had been broken down time and time again, it feels real. 

And it’s almost dizzying, how happy she feels. 

It seemed like yesterday the two of them had finished the meeting and gone home, danced around the kitchen in some kind of feverish-haze, not quite back on earth yet. But the next morning they were on a plane again and back in London. 

In the span of what seemed like two weeks, but was probably two days, they were saying tearful goodbyes to the boys and suddenly… here. 

In their new apartment. Their _gorgeous_ apartment that no one knows about but the two of them, and well, their managers and an entire team of media coordinators. Taylor watches Karlie circle the kitchen, hands on her hips, brow furrowed, no doubt planning to run a bakery from their apartment. 

“Home.” She says quietly, and Karlie looks back at her, a smile surfacing.

“Home,” Karlie agrees. “We’re home, love.” 

_You’re my home._ Taylor thinks. _You are._

… 

_“Instagram blackout is four months from now,”_ Melanie says, and Taylor knows she’s reading a media briefing verbatim on the other line. _“We recommend you not post or like anything from the public account until then.”_

Karlie and her look at eachother and nod. They’re sitting cross-legged on their balcony, Taylor’s new PR assistant on speaker.

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Taylor says. “But that’s good to know.”

_“And I’m wondering if you can give an update on the songs?”_

Karlie watches carefully as Taylor winces a little, rubbing a hand over her mouth. She did that often, when she was a bit overwhelmed. Karlie made a note to ask her about it later. 

“Seven so far,” Taylor sighs, as if that's something to be ashamed of. “I’m a little behind. We had to scrap a few. The theme I’m going with…” She trailed off, looking out into the street for a moment, watching the cars drive by. “I just need to make sure I do it right.”

_“That’s fine, Taylor.”_ Melanie reassures, though she does sound a bit surprised. _“Don’t rush it. We’ve got two teams that can always re-coordinate if you need more time.”_

And the look that washes over Taylor’s face tells Karlie that, no that won’t be necessary. Taylor Swift delivered. One-hundred percent. No exceptions. 

“We’re not going to do anything crazy,” Karlie promises, chuckling a bit. “We’re still unpacking. I don’t have more than a few projects this summer, and I doubt we’ll be anywhere that someone would actually take a photo. Plus, with the court case coming up,”

Taylor winces again.

“...we’ve got plenty to deal with. No need to worry.”

_“Right,”_ Melanie echoes. _“No need to worry. Did you hear that, Taylor?”_

“Yes,” Taylor says quietly.

_“Then you two girls enjoy your time off. Happy unpacking!”_

The line went dead. Taylor let out a long sigh, a breath she’d been holding in for a while. 

Karlie looks at her fiancee and reaches over, gently tucking a ringlet of blonde hair behind her ear.

“Talk about it now or later?”

“Later,” Taylor says quietly. “I'm okay, but I need to call Jack, and I need to write some more songs."

“Okay,” Karlie kisses her hand and Taylor gives a sad smile in return. “I love you. I’ve got a video call. See you at dinner.”

They both walk back inside. 

 

… 

“Can I tell you a secret?” Taylor asks, snuggling closer to Karlie later that night. 

It’s later, much later. They’d spent all day unpacking boxes and framing pictures, and now they’re exhausted, tangled together under the covers. 

Karlie gave an amused chuckle.

“A secret?”

She feels Taylor suck in a sharp breath and press her face into Karlie’s chest, muffling her words. 

“Sorry, love,” Karlie laughs. “ I didn’t get any of that.”

“I want… okay?”

“Daisy,” Karlie tries to pull the girl off her chest, but Taylor won’t let her. “Taylor, tell me.” she encourages. “It’s just me. C’mon.”

“I think… I want to have a baby. We should have a baby.”

Oh. 

_Oh._

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading. Please comment below, tell me what you thought. Don't be shy! All feedback is appreciated.
> 
> Thanks again,
> 
> \- J xx


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! 
> 
> I'm grateful for your good words and messages after my last update. Things are much better in my hometown now and I have a long break this weekend, so expect another update soon!
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys this chapter. It's much longer than usual. 
> 
> \- J xx

Karle felt like she was about to throw up. 

Well, not really. She knew nausea was a common side effect of her dramatic episodes. This happened often, her spinning-out-of-control panicky moments. She was usually able to control it. 

Karlie guessed moments like this didn’t fall into a category of control. 

Truly, though. A very prominent part of her subconscious was currently hysterical, running around in circles, warning lights flashing. On. Off. On. Off. 

In her own typical fashion, Taylor had fallen asleep in Karlie’s arms probably thirty seconds after saying that sentence.

_I think.... I want to have a baby._

Think? She _thought_ this? This wasn’t something to think about. Karlie wasn’t sure this was something you could even joke about. A child wasn’t some topic to discuss at a dinner party, it wasn’t an icebreaker. 

What would that even look like? Thinking about having a child? It sounded so flippant, so nonchalant. Something housewives would do with their rich husbands, already balancing a wailing toddler on each hip. 

_That’s sexist._ She thought. _And frankly, a little low for you._

Still, she couldn’t get the idea out of her head. 

“Honey,” Karlie would say, a knowing smile on her lips. “Afte this, why don’t we have a little chat about bringing a child into our world?”

And Taylor would laugh softly, a tinkling sort of laugh that all put-together wives do (at least in the movies) and she’d reply, “Of _course_ , my darling.” 

Yes, Karlie was definitely going to throw up. But then she started to really think about it, and maybe the lulling sound of Taylor’s breathing had something to do with it, but she could picture a tiny baby boy. 

A little boy with golden curls and blue eyes. It would have her smile and Taylor’s singing voice. 

Karlie thinks that she might actually cry, because how beautiful would that child be?

Oh good lord. They had to get married first, though, didn't they? She was certain that half of the world’s population would just about jump off a bridge if they discovered - on top of the fact that Karlie Kloss was marrying Taylor Swift - that they were so madly in love they decided to have a child out of wedlock.

_A lesbian couple with a child before marriage? What exactly does this teach our children? They’re so impressionable at this age!_

_Taylor Swift takes things too far… Read more!_

_Karlie Kloss is a WHAT?_

For fuck’s sake. She could already picture the headlines. No, they had to break this down and scrutinize it from every angle before ‘thinking’ about it, and preferably before management found out. Or their mothers.

Oh god. They would have to tell their mothers about this, somewhere down the line. 

Karlie’s hands are shaking. She’s not sure she’s ever had such a visceral reaction to one sentence. It couldn’t have been more than ten words. 

Yes, she wanted a baby. It’s something she’d considered several times during the first years of their relationship, and she'd thought about it on Primrose Hill, with the ring in her pocket. 

But all she can think about now is Taylor and her coming out of a restaurant, or a doctor’s office, or a _hospital_ , and people with cameras yelling obscene things and trying to take pictures of… a child. 

Their child. 

Karlie’s eyes flew open in a panic. Wait a second. Who was going to carry it? Who would be the sperm donor? Someone anonymous? Someone non-anonymous? One of their friends?? 

How was Karlie going to explain to their unborn child that, “Yes, darling. We loved you _dearly_ , but your mother and I couldn’t seem to make things work ourselves, and we had some gorgeous friends, so they decided to lend a helping hand. That’s why your eyes are that dazzling color.” 

Harry would offer. Of course he would. Were they going to raise a baby Styles??

Or maybe they would adopt it? Karlie could see that happening. She’s not sure how either of them would manage to hide a baby bump for nine months anyway, regardless of the fact that Taylor wasn’t having pictures taken of her anymore. 

A new fear had settled over Karlie as she realized the weight of the situation. It wasn’t about them anymore. They’d learned to protect themselves from what they could along the way. 

If they were going to bring a child into this world, it couldn’t be their world. It couldn’t be into Karlie Kloss and Taylor Swift’s world. It had to be only them, Karlie and Taylor. Two mothers. 

How was she supposed to fall asleep now? 

…

It’s the early morning, and Taylor is deliberating how to get out of bed without waking Karlie up.

_Stupid girl. You should have known._

_Isn’t that a song lyric I wrote?_

The memory of writing that lyric woke her up fully. She was behaving like someone out of a fairytale, a character she would fabricate as a teenager. It had been acceptable ten years ago. Not now. What was she thinking? Dropping that on Karlie? It was insensitive and cruel, and she’s pretty sure that she’d fallen asleep after saying it. What kind of person did that? 

The baby was something meant for pondering over dinner, maybe a nice bottle of wine. She’d originally planned for them to be a little drunk. That would make things seem a little less daunting. Taylor knew that them having a baby was going to be different, not only because of the nature of their relationship, but because of the nature of the people outside their relationship. 

The truth of the matter was that Taylor was so deeply in love with the idea of a baby that, well, she couldn’t let it go. She’d been trying to let Karlie know for weeks, and now that she’d sprung it on her, she’s got no idea how to take it back.

_Bullshit._

This wasn’t something to take back. She had to stand by her decision to let Karlie know, regardless of how questionable the time and place was. 

And yet, here she was attempting to get out of bed and drive to the gym to run out her stress. She was ready to let her fiance sleep on, all because she couldn’t bear the thought of the conversation they needed to have.

_What if she doesn’t want a baby?_ Taylor wonders, the thought leaving a horrible taste in her mouth as she slowly detangled herself from Karlie’s grip. _You didn’t think about that, did you? It can’t always go your way._

Well, she’d learned that long ago.

… 

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

Taylor really was a terrible runner. She’s looking straight at herself in the mirror, trying to focus on the music in her headphones and keeping an even pace, but she’s sweating buckets and bouncing all over the place. 

She wasn’t in as perfect shape as she had been months ago, when photographers followed everywhere. Being on TV and a stage 24/7 required a certain body type, and she delivered. Maybe to a fault. 

There was a time when Karlie and her would wake up early to let in the hairstylists and makeup artists, a time when they would dress in high fashion and wear ridiculous heels. It wasn’t them, not really. It was two characters they would play - _the best friends from New York._

So, yes, now Taylor was fifteen pounds heavier and about fifteen pounds happier. She’ll take the bad running form if it’s the only downside. She thought she looked healthier with the slight curves anyhow. And Karlie couldn’t complain. 

She didn’t care what people thought anymore. The nasty stories, the comments, the petty rumors, they were dull in comparison to the bomb her and Karlie were about to drop. 

And because of that secret, her anxiety seemed to find a home no matter where she lived. 

_They know._ She thought, walking in that morning with Brandon behind her, moving quickly to the treadmill. They didn’t, but it was a constant fear that plagued her. _They know all my secrets. They know everything._

Taylor ran even faster to ward off the thoughts, pumping her arms, raising her heart rate. She could see Brandon in her peripheral vision, pretending to lift some dumbbells. 

_Forget it all._ She thought, focusing back on herself in the mirror. _Block it out. Move forward._

One step at a time. 

That focus lasts for a good thirty minutes and Taylor’s making quick progress, despite her form. She’s just about let go of the whole mess she’d made last night, and that’s when she sees Brandon move, and he’s moving towards her. 

She turns off the treadmill and stands there for a good minute, breathing heavily, yanking her earphones out.

“What?” She asked, and good god is she breathless. She made a mental note to ask Karlie for stamina advice. “What’s wrong?”

Brandon doesn’t have to say anything. She can see the little girl in the mirror standing behind her. She looks about eight years old, and she’s got that expression on her face. The expression Taylor’s seen for the past twelve years. 

Taylor turns around. “Oh, hi, darling,” She steps off the treadmill to crouch down to the child’s height, noticing her mother behind her. The woman had an apologetic, slightly-panicked look on her face. 

“Hello,” She said kindly to the woman, hoping to reassure her. _It’s okay. I don't mind._ “How are you guys?”

The girl had a soft, shy tone and green eyes. They might’ve been the greenest eyes Taylor had ever seen. 

“I love your music,” She said quietly, not looking up. “...I saw your show last year.”

“You do?” Taylor smiled widely. “You did? Man, that’s so awesome of you! Did you have a good time?”

The girl nodded, still barely making eye-contact. 

_Of all the days for adorable children to show up._

“What’s your name, love?” Taylor said, looking desperately towards Brandon. The man seemed to understand, brandishing a sharpie from his backpack. 

“Ella.”

“Ella? That’s a great name. Do you think I could sign your shirt for you, Ella? It has my face on it, that’s a little strange,” She laughs, hoping to make Ella less nervous. “Thank you for wearing it.” 

“Taylor?” The mother asked from behind Ella. “Do you think you could take a picture with her? She’s too shy to ask.”

“I’m not allowed to take pictures right now,” She said, and sighed. “I’m really sorry,” She looked straight at Ella. “People aren’t supposed to know I’m here. That’s confusing, isn't it?”

“It’s okay,” Said Ella, though she didn’t look okay. 

“No, it’s not,” Taylor sighed again. “And I wish I could, because you’re awesome, Ella. Thank you so much for listening to my music. Do you still want me to sign that shirt for you?”

Luckily, Ella did. The mother and her daughter were both very grateful and understanding, and only after Taylor hugged them both and waved goodbye did Brandon speak. 

“Sorry,” He said. “I should’ve moved faster.”

“Don’t,” Taylor assured him, glad he hadn’t forced the mother and daughter away. “Don’t worry about it. I forgot all about the rule.”

She’d forgotten everything looking at that little girl, with her dark curls and wide eyes and rosy cheeks…

Good lord. She had to talk to Karlie.

… 

Karlie spins around as the door opens, watching wide-eyed and Taylor pratically runs into the kitchen, throwing her bag onto the counter.

“I need to tell you something,” She gasped, out of breath. Had she run up the stairs? “I’m so sorry about last night, Kar, it-it was insensitive and I feel _asleep_ , and fuck, I should’ve waited. For a better moment. It’s something that we need to really talk about, everything that would happen if-” She stopped short, locking eyes with Karlie in one frantic moment. “Wait, do you want a baby? Oh my god, I didn’t even ask what you thought.”

“Yes.”

Taylor’s hands flies to her mouth in shock.

“Really?”

“...And, and I know that it won’t be normal,” Karlie stammered, struggling to keep her voice level. It was rising to a hysterical level. “But all this morning I’ve been thinking it over, and I do. I want it _so badly_ , Taylor. I want to have a baby with you.”

Taylor lets out a nervous laugh and Karlie reaches for her fiancee, tugging her closer. 

“You don’t understand how badly, and it can wait, until after the wedding,” She babbles. “And since you told me last night I can’t stop thinking about it, and now…” She trails off, looking up with the same wide, frantic, eyes. “Am I completely and utterly psycho? What were you thinking? Tell me.” 

Taylor starts to laugh again, then she grabs Karlie and pulls her into a deep, hungry kiss.

That accelerates quickly, because suddenly Karlie’s top is unbuttoned and Taylor’s undone the first two buttons of her own blouse. 

“Tay, love, I need you to slow down,” Karlie gasped in between Taylor's furious kisses. Now the girl was struggling with the button on Karlie’s jeans. “I - okay. Daisy, stop.”

Karlie pulls back for a moment, breathing heavily.

“What is happening? You didn’t really answer my question.”

Taylor’s mouth falls open in shock, like she couldn’t believe Karlie didn’t understand.

“We’re making a baby,” She says, and unzips Karlie’s jeans, pressing the girl against the wall again. Karlie has to grab at Taylor’s waist to keep her balance, her heartbeat thrumming in her temples. 

“Oh?” 

“....It’s gonna have your eyes, and my hair, and a smile from the both of us,” Taylor twists her fingers through Karlie’s hair. “How’s that sound for an answer?” She grins. “Okay?”

“You know we can’t actually do that, right? I mean, biologically spea-”

“ _Karlie_.”

Karlie laughs, and helps Taylor out of her top, eventually sweeping the girl into her arms and disappearing into the bedroom. 

They had a lot to explain. And a lot more to hide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> How about leaving a comment down below? Let me know how you liked it! Don't be shy!
> 
> Thanks for reading :)
> 
> \- J xx


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves,
> 
> I'm sorry for the lack of posting. I've had two very intensely stressful weeks at school. 
> 
> Hopefully you enjoy this chapter. It's very important.
> 
> Time to start rooting for these girls :)
> 
> \- J xx

Pictures. All along, it had been the pictures.

Karlie thought they were careful. They were careful. Taylor and Karlie were religious about their rules, and it had become obsessive, the precautions they took. Keeping their secret meant a lot of things - asking friends to crop one of them out, delete it all together, or having to duck out of the shot lest someone noticed a pair of familiar shoes or a certain blonde-haired girl in the background. 

They managed to set limits and abide by them. They were good, and they felt as safe as possible by using them. 

But Karlie and Taylor had no control over someone else with a camera, someone who hid in the bushes or behind a tree or sat on a bench in Regents Park, just waiting for them to walk by together. 

It wasn’t even a good picture. It was blurry, but between Karlie’s height, Taylor’s red lips, and the grip on each other’s hands, anyone could put two and two together.

It was _private_. 

It had been a moment they’d shared together and now that was gone, and the whole world gets to see it. 

The whole world gets to see them laughing together on that beautiful evening, Brandon trailing a few feet behind. They get to see Karlie pointing at the sunset and then Taylor kissing her, Karlie’s hands tangling in her hair, the two of them almost falling over with giggles. 

And now, it’s five in the morning and there have never been more people in their apartment, because things are about to get serious. They have to hide. 

There’s no other choice. Paparazzi have lined the streets, crowded the block, and headlines are circulating. Brandon has already briefed them: they’ve got to move quickly and stay close together. 

Karlie thinks about all of this as they wait anxiously side by side. Karlie had grown tired of crying an hour earlier, but Taylor’s eyes are rimmed red and swollen, her voice quiet, her head hung. They’d broken her. They’d finally done it. Karlie hopes all the media outlets, TV personalities, gossip magazines, she hopes they’re happy with their discovery. As a result, her fiance is about to have a breakdown in the lobby. 

… 

Taylor hasn’t been looking at anybody all morning. Maybe because she knows if she does, she’s going to burst into tears again, and she doesn’t need everyone watching when she does. 

This wasn’t the way any of this was supposed to happen. They were going to take control of their situation and tell the truth in a positive, inclusive way that brought attention to the struggles of the queer community. She was going to apologize for her dishonesty and make clear her intentions were for the purpose of her and her partner’s safety, and nothing else. 

Good lord, she was practically quoting her speech. She’d had one prepared. Karlie and her were each going to release a copy online. 

Afterwards, the both of them were going to pick up the pieces after the fallout. Taylor was going to deal with the comments, the backlash, the angry responses, because _Taylor Swift does anything to make people support her_. _Taylor Swift does anything to play the victim_.

Etcetera. 

Ruin her, sure, she could take it. But put it on Karlie? No fucking way. 

Taylor was going to hold her head high and protect the both of them, because it wasn't their fault. It was on the industry, the toxic mindset, the cruel people out there who don't support difference. She could make a list. 

But _after_ the tour. _After_ fashion week. 

_After._

And now, what was Taylor? A set of grainy photos? A scandalous discovery? A white trash girl that gave up on boys and moved along? Someone who experiments for the hell of it? 

_Taylor Swift Is A Lesbian Slut!_

That had been the first headline she’d read. A text alert at two in the morning brought her hand to the nightstand, and Taylor thinks the words might be seared into the backs of her eyelids now.

Karlie had promptly chucked the phone across the room while Taylor ran to be sick in the bathroom. 

And now about twenty phone calls, one panic attack, and three hours later, they’re standing in the apartment lobby, and Taylor refuses to let go of Karlie. Honestly, Karlie doesn’t want her to. She’s not sure she’ll be able to hold it together without Taylor’s arms around her. 

So yes, Taylor’s got her face buried into Karlie’s neck, her arms tight around her waist, and she’ll stand that way until they have to sprint for the car parked outside. 

She wasn’t looking at anybody today.

… 

It all happens so quickly that neither of the girls have time to be scared. It takes under a minute to move from the steps of the apartment to the car, but time seems to slow down in that one moment, and they feel and hear everything.

The yelling. The flashes of the cameras. All the horrible things people are yelling or throwing at them.

Karlie’s got a vice-like grip on Taylor’s hand and Taylor moves as quickly as she can without tripping, willing herself to put one foot in front of the other. 

It’s like a vacuum, the change from chaos to silence as the door to the car closes. Brandon is in the passenger seat in half a second, yelling at the driver to “ _Drive, goddammit_ ”.

But it’s Karlie who bursts into tears as the car pulls away, leaving their apartment and the crowd behind them. 

Taylor is numb as she pulls the girl sideways into her lap, wrapping her arms around her. Karlie’s presses her face into Taylor’s chest, her sobs muffled between the two of them

And then it’s Brandon in the front who lets out a strangled sort of cry, something between a sob and a delirious laugh. 

“Good god,” They hear him say. “You two know how to make an exit.”

Karlie lets out a laugh that sounds more like a sob, and Taylor pulls her up to her chest, pressing kisses to her nose, her temple, her forehead. 

“Darling...”

“I’m sorry,” Karlie chokes out, her tears hot and wet against Taylor’s neck. “That was… a lot.”

Taylor feels her stomach twist and her lip is quivering, but she doesn’t want to cry, Taylor is so fucking tired of crying.

So instead she holds her girl in her arms, rocking her gently, murmuring reassurances. 

“Gonna be okay,” She promises, kissing Karlie firmly on the cheek. “Shhh,” She soothes. “Kar, we’re gonna fix this,” Taylor swears. “We’ll figure it out.” 

Things just got a hell of a lot more complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Please leave a comment below. Tell me what you thought. Don't be shy :)
> 
> \- J xx


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear. Suddenly two weeks have gone by and i've not updated a thing!
> 
> My apologies, loves, school has been ridiculous. I'm nearly there. Five weeks!
> 
> Enjoy this chapter. 
> 
> PS this chapter deals with some sensitive stuff. Read at your own risk. xx. 
> 
> \- J xx

_10 AM  
London, England_

“Fans are speculating whether this could be an unconventional method of PR or simply a new behind-the-scenes shot of a music video. Regardless, it’s clear these two girls are more than friends. Melanie Winston, a representative of-” 

“Louis,” Harry said wearily. “Turn it off.”

“But we-”

“Fuck’s sake, _now_ , Lou.” 

Silently, Louis turns off the television. He turns back around in his chair to face Harry at the dinner table. Harry puts down his fork, looking hard at his husband. 

“Neither of them need more people watching-” 

Harry is cut off as Louis lets out a quiet sob, and stands abruptly from his chair. He covers his mouth with shaking hands, screwing his eyes shut.

“Lou,” Harry says slowly. “Tell me what’s wrong, love.” 

“It’s not _fair_ -” Louis starts, but he chokes on another sob, going quiet.

Harry stands up, moving quickly to pull the boy into a hug. 

“I know,” He soothes.

"They didn't want this," Louis sobs, his frame shaking against Harry's. "Taylor said-"

"I know, darling, I know."

Harry presses gentle kisses to the Louis’ forehead as the tears track down his cheeks. “I know, s’not fair,” He curses quietly. “They deserve better.” 

...

_Four AM  
Los Angeles, California_

Karlie wakes to an empty bed. 

At first, there’s a split-second of blissful ignorance. She can’t help but wonder why she’s up so early, ready to blame jet-lag, ready to roll over on top of Taylor and hope she’ll giggle because Taylor was terrible with jetlag. She’d be up already, waiting for cuddles. 

Karlie turns around and Taylor isn’t sleeping. She’s not next to her. The sheets are cold. 

Then it hits her. _Hard_. 

Karlie has to sit up, the nausea slamming into her in unforgiving waves. Over and over and over again.  
She’s fifteen again at her first show, about to pass out from the vertigo. Karlie nearly doubles over, the feeling in her stomach clawing at her insides. 

_Everyone knows. Everyone._

…

Taylor’s been up for hours. It’s not just the piano notes coming from the next room that tell Karlie this, although the cold sheets were a good indication. 

The model pulls on a shirt and moves quietly into the kitchen, stumbling in the dark. Meredith meows by way of greeting, and Olivia slinks between her legs, purring. 

Taylor is sitting at the piano across the hall, the chandelier casting a faint golden glow over the girl. 

Karlie pads barefoot across the floor. Taylor doesn’t hear her. She’s hunched over the keys, brow furrowed in concentration. Karlie watches her for a moment.

Her voice is soft, lilting as always. Today it is strong, confident, challenging anyone to disagree. The melancholy tone of the song goes straight to Karlie’s heart. Tangled curls fall into Taylor’s eyes as she leans forward with each chord. 

_Don’t blame me. Love made me crazy. If it doesn’t you ain’t doing it right._

Silence. Taylor slams the keys and lets out frustrated growl. 

_Oh, lord save me, my drug is my baby, I’d be usin’ for the rest of my life_

Another pause. Taylor rubs at her eyes.

 _For you, I would cross the line, I would waste my time, I would lose my mind_  
_They say she’s gone too far this - time_

Taylor slams the keys as her voice turns a shade darker. 

_Don’t blame me, love made me crazy_

_If it doesn’t you ain’t doin’ it right._

_Lord save me, my drug is my baby, I’d be usin’ for the rest of my life_

_...I was once poison ivy_

Taylor smiles to herself. 

_Now I’m your daisy..._

The girl is quiet for a long time after that, staring at the keys. Meredith lets out a loud meow from somewhere in the kitchen and Taylor turns around, locking eyes with Karlie.

“Morning,” Karlie says hoarsely. “You weren’t in bed. I got worried.”

Taylor gives her fiance a wan smile. 

“How long have you been standing there?” 

“Tay,” Karie tries, but her throat is closing. “Taylor,” Karlie says again. “Are you okay?”

“No.”

….

After coffee, they end up in the piano room again. The sun is just starting to rise, and now Karlie can see the dark circles under Taylor’s eyes, like wine stains on her ivory skin. How long had she been awake? 

“I have a present for you.” Taylor says quietly, startling Karlie from her thoughts. 

Taylor looks around for a moment. She reaches for a small blue box sitting on top of the piano. Karlie hadn’t noticed it before. 

“Daisy,” Karlie starts. “You didn’t have-”

“I did.” Taylor presents the gift box to Karlie. “Open it, please.”

“I swear if you did something even a _little_ sentimental-” Karlie starts, but she’s already smiling. 

Karlie laughs in disbelief as she opens the box. Taylor leans forward to kiss away the tears already rolling down Karlie’s cheeks.

“Fuck,” Karlie laughs again, and her voice is thick with tears. She kisses Taylor back, soft and sweet. “I swear, the amount of times we’ve both _cried_ this year-”

“Do you like it?” Taylor asks, and she giggles against Karlie’s lips. Karlie can smell the lotion she uses each morning. “No take-backs?”

Karlie looks down at the matching engagement ring on her finger and blinks rapidly, trying to slow her happy tears. 

“No take-backs.”

…

_The Next Day_

“I don’t know, Mom,” Karlie rubs a hand over her face, pacing the kitchen as she tries to get a word in. 

Taylor is struggling to put her heels on and steady her breathing. There was no way they could pull this off. Why didn't they decide to do a press conference? That’s what everyone had wanted. That’s what Melanie had wanted, and apparently Karlie’s mother agreed. 

It was just like the two of them to go against the grain. Live television? We’re they crazy? 

Probably. 

“No, we’re trying that already. I - what? No,” Karlie shakes her head, sighing quietly as she listens to the other line. “No, I haven’t been reading anything, Mom. Neither of us need that right now.” 

Taylor had been reading exactly what people were saying. Since two in the morning, actually.

It was a nasty habit she’d picked up years ago. Karlie threatened her more than once - disabling passwords, deleting apps, hiring media managers, the lot. Truth be told, Taylor felt powerless without the hate. She needed the criticism - in some sick, twisted way. It kept her going. It kept the fight in her. 

Karlie could respect that. 

_I dunno, man. Feels like this all might be PR?_

_Is she shooting a music video?_

_Why hasn’t she said anything??????_

_I wouldn’t want to be Taylor’s manager right now._

_SHE'S MOVED ONTO GIRLS ALREADY????_

_If you’re having a bad day, just remember - T Swift might be a lesbian_

Taylor smirked at that last one.

Each comment, each tweet, each message, it gave Taylor a new sense of power. _She_ knew the truth. _She_ knew the solution to this mess. Karlie and her, they were going to be the ones that sorted it out. 

God help them. 

…..

“...I was sixteen,” Taylor started. 

Ellen smiles at her, though with all the bright lights and one captivated audience, Taylor isn’t really looking. 

Taylor clears her throat and tries to steady her voice. It doesn’t matter, her hands are still shaking. 

“I was sixteen and new to the industry and naive, and I wanted it all _so_ badly,” She turns to the audience for a moment. “You’ve got no idea. I was obsessed.”

The crowd laughs. 

_Make them feel comfortable. They’re new to this too. It’s all about changing the narrative, so we’ve got to try and incorporate our personalities into the talking points._

Karlie’s words are echoing in her head and even though her fiance is sitting right next to her, squeezing her hand, Taylor’s heart is beating so fast it might fall out of her chest. There was so much to remember. 

“...And as much as I’d like to admit I had everything planned out and felt in control of my own situation, I didn’t, and the circumstances changed drastically when I revealed I was gay to my manager and my record label.” 

“When was that exactly?” Ellen asked.

Taylor startled, her mind going blank for a moment. 

_Breathe._

“I - um, well, just after my first record was released, towards the end of 2006.”

“Wow. That’s a big decision to make at sixteen years old.” 

Taylor laughs. She can’t help it. 

“After that there was a lot of damage control,” She admitted. “I was sat down in a conference room in front of my family and my boss and about a million PR managers and they told me it wasn’t going to work.”

“Unless…” Ellen prodded.

Taylor balked for a moment.

“Unless I signed a closeting contract,” She looked up, her eyes wide with worry. “Which was important to me. I wanted to sign it. I wanted to keep my job. I wanted to keep making music, and I had to - well, I thought at the time I had to maintain my reputation.”

_Don’t make anyone look bad. Take the blame. It was your choice._

“Taylor knew what it would’ve meant to let go of her dream,” Karlie cut in. “She decided to pursue it anyways, even if that meant having to conjure up a persona. You have to make hard decisions when other people are affected.”

“I had to think about the fans,” Taylor swallows hard, because she can’t cry now. “I had to think about all of you,” She looks down at the little girls sitting in the front row. “I didn’t want to hide, but I grew up in Pennsylvania, and I knew the consequences of being different. I knew what it would have meant to be a gay country singer. It wouldn’t have worked,” She sighed. “I made a decision to protect myself. Now that I’ve switched genres, I have more creative freedom.” 

Ellen doesn’t say anything this time, only waits for them to continue. 

“We never wanted to lie,” Karlie promised, and she turns to face the audience as well. “Truly, we never wanted this, we were prepared to tell everyone years ago,”

There’s a mother in the front row tearing up. Taylor has to look away. 

“Karlie, how did all of this affect you?” Ellen drew the focus back to the girls. “In the fashion world, how did you feel about hiding your sexuality?” 

“My job is built on an industry of expression through creative process,” Karlie answered, and Taylor knows she has it memorized, but it sounds so _like_ her that it’s almost hilarious. She knows it wouldn't be appropriate to laugh now. “There is so much emphasis on diversity and transparency and being honest, and... I wanted that, but I had to be careful too. I needed to make a living.”

“Before you met Taylor, did you have a set date? Were you going to tell everyone?

“At a certain point a few years back, yes. I was ready.”

Taylor squeezes hard at her hand. 

“...But then I met Taylor and we fell in love, and I realized I had to keep my secret for longer than I’d planned. I was willing to do it, though, because I wanted to protect her.”

“We had to protect everyone involved, too,” Taylor said. “There were people helping us maintain the story.”

“You mean the boys?”

“We can’t talk about that.” Taylor says firmly, hoping that Ellen moves on. 

She does, for a time.

"What about songwriting, Taylor? What does this mean about your songs? Are all of them about girls?"

"Not all of them," Taylor says slowly. "I did write about straight relationships. I still do. I write about my life, but also the lives around me, my friends, my family. My songs aren't a reflection of everything happening to me."

"What about your next album?"

"Well, I think you'll get a little bit of both." Taylor even feels comfortable enough to wink at the audience.

Everyone laughs. 

"What do you say to people who don't agree? You mentioned the homophobia in the country music industry prevented you from being honest."

"We can't make everyone accept the truth, and we certainly can't stop homophobia," Taylor answers. "We only say that everyone deserves to love whom they love, and gender or sexuality shouldn't be an issue. Not everyone will agree. We can live with that."

"We'll have to shake it off," Karlie says.

More laughing. 

But then comes the hard part. What everyone wants to know. 

“Contracts and NDA’s prevented us from being honest with the public,” Karlie started. “And now that we have this chance, now that this has happened to us, we want to call attention to the reasons for hiding relationships in the queer community, and why we have to change the environment that determines it.”

Deafening applause from the audience. 

“We are lesbians, but we’re also privileged white lesbians,” Taylor continues. “Our struggle is nothing compared to the closeted relationships of minorities in this business.” 

“Everyone deserves to be themselves,” She adds quietly. “Even if some people don’t agree.” 

There’s a loud cheer from the back corner of the studio. Taylor smiles for the first time all morning. 

“We’ll be speaking out about this again very soon.” Karlie finished. 

“Well, I think what you two are doing is fantastic,” Ellen says at last. 

“Thank you.” The both of them return at the same time.

“I mean it, “ The woman continues. “The platforms you both have, the influence, it’s so wonderful that you’ve decided to make the most of a potentially…”

“Terrifying?” Taylor suggested.

“...Terrifying situation, yes, but really use it to your advantage.” 

Melanie is waiting for them backstage and Taylor can’t really hear what she’s saying to them, her heart is pounding so hard, so fast. Karlie is squeezing the life out of her hands, and that’s when she can hear Melanie-

“We live-streamed it. The support is overwhelming, the media is largely positive,” The emotion in Melanie’s voice goes straight to Taylor’s heart. The girl wasn’t much older that she was. “This is going to work, girls. The hardest part is over.” 

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!
> 
> Please post any comments/thoughts below. Don't be shy.
> 
> Stay tuned for another chapter. (Hopefully soon). :)
> 
> \- J xx


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> I've only just finished this and it's quite late, so I apologize for any errors/confusing syntax. Sorryyy. 
> 
> I love you guys. Please continue to comment/give feedback/tell me what you think. It makes my day.
> 
> \- J xx

_If you're anything like me,_  
You knock on wood every time you make plans.  
You cross your fingers, hold your breath,  
Wish on lucky numbers and eyelashes  
Your superstitions were the lone survivors of the shipwreck.  
Rest In Peace, to your naive bravado...  
If life gets too good now,  
Darling, it scares you. 

_If you're anything like me,_  
You never wanted to lock your door,  
Your secret garden gate or your diary drawer  
Didn't want to face the you you don't know anymore  
For fear she was much better before...  
But Darling, now you have to. 

_\- Taylor Swift_  
… 

September, 2013

_If you would just listen to me, Taylor, we could talk through this…_ ” Dianna’s voice is growing more distressed with each word, but Taylor isn’t listening anymore. 

She’d stopped listening a long time ago. The voicemails had been like this - desperate, close to tears, on the verge of hysteria for weeks now. They were growing easier to delete. 

At first, Taylor had felt just as desperate. She had felt just as hysterical, just as terrified. She’d sobbed for hours - from late night to early morning, till her throat was raw, her eyes swollen, her heart still broken - she’d stared at the ring on her finger and wondered why, _why_ she’d kept it on. 

She knew why. 

It was still on now, a bitter reminder of what could have been. Taylor takes another sip of wine as if to banish the thought. She grimaces. She doesn’t like white wine. Dianna did. 

Meredith stares up at Taylor with her wide, wondering eyes.

“What are you looking at?” 

Taylor sets her glass down hard on the counter. The noise of it sends the cat running down the hall. 

“She’s not coming back!” Taylor shouts after her, and her voice cracks, threatening to break. 

“I gave her everything and it wasn’t enough,” Taylor’s talking to herself now and her temples are pulsing again, taunting her with another migraine. “She’s not coming back.” 

Taylor shoves the sleeve of her sweater into her mouth, muffling a sob. 

_Whose fault is that?_

… 

Memory was a cruel thing. It found Taylor in the most horrible ways. These days it seemed to lurk just around the corner, watching, waiting. 

The sweater under the bed was a good example. That _damned_ sweater. Taylor had found it by accident. 

She supposed it was the universe's way of paying her back, though Taylor didn’t think of herself as one of _those_ people - the kind that worried about energy, imbalance, and everything in between. 

But some kind of twisted, brutal punishment it was, reaching for her dropped reading glasses and pulling up that sweater instead. 

Taylor froze. It was back again, the waves of sadness that seemed to pin her underwater. Along with the sadness came the colors, the words, the kisses. The memories brought angry tears to her eyes. Taylor throws it across the room like it’s on fire, an growl building in the back of her throat. That damned, ugly, _horrible_ sweater. 

…

Taylor was always the serious one. She always made the hard decisions while Dianna danced along in front of her, forever the wild, spirited girl she’d fallen in love with. 

Maybe it’s her seriousness that forces Taylor to scrub away her tears and crawl across the floor to pick it up. Her fingers are tracing the hem, poking at the holes. She lifts the sweater to her nose and yes, it still smells like her.

Of course it does. 

Taylor swallows hard against the lump in her throat. Dianna’s scent fills the bedroom again - mint and honey and her floral shampoo, the lavender kind Taylor swore she’d hated but she didn’t, not really. 

There were so many things she’d hated, but not really. 

_I want this, but not really._

_We can do this, but not really._

_It’ll be different, but not really._

_I love you, but not really._

_Come back - really._

Taylor falls asleep wearing Dianna's sweater that night. She tries not to think about what Dianna might be wearing, or who she might be with, or whether she’s alone in bed too, thinking these same thoughts. 

Or if she’s wearing her ring too. 

_If you're anything like me,_  
There's a justice system in your head  
For names you'll never speak again,  
And you make your ruthless rulings.  
Each new enemy turns to steel  
They become the bars that confine you,  
In your own little golden prison cell...  
But Darling, there is where you meet yourself. 

… 

_November, 2013_

Time had passed. _Months_ had passed, two to be exact, and Taylor was going to survive this. She knows this for a number of reasons.

For one, she was writing songs again. It had happened by accident, actually. She’d been cleaning the apartment in Nashville, cutting flowers to put in vases, hanging picture frames (to conveniently place what had been there before), and she started humming melodies. It wasn’t long before Jack was over at the house, and the two of them were dancing around the kitchen (slightly drunk), but shouting out a chorus at the top of their lungs all the same. Taylor felt awake. She felt like she had a purpose again. She could love something without _being_ loved, couldn’t she? 

Perhaps her sheer-willed determination and optimism was another indicator. Taylor was a stubborn girl. She got what she wanted, come hell or high water. A breakup was hardly the worst thing she’d ever experienced. Perspective was key in this healing process.

God, she sounded like her mother. 

In retrospect, if Taylor had known what was coming, she would have been more prepared.

Then again, that’s what made it all so exciting.

… 

_New York City, Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Backstage, December 2013_

Yes, exiting was one way to describe it. Terrifying? That was a more accurate adjective.

It had started with looks. Taylor noticed straightaway that Karlie was staring. 

Karlie wasn’t timid. She knew what she wanted, and she knew Taylor played her same… sport. The model had been looking over her shoulder at first, then turning unabashedly to look at the singer. She figured being forward was her only shot. 

Yet, Taylor stands her ground. She fights off a blush and weathers the storm, though she is curious. What did Karlie want, exactly? Taylor fidgets with her hands, her hair, her earpieces, anything that will distract her from locking eyes with Karlie Kloss in a room full of cameras and press. 

Glances from across the room escalated to an introduction, then a conversation. What was casual and friendly quickly turned more intimate. Taylor found herself stepping closer the the girl, laughing a little too loud, a hand reaching out to touch a hand, a shoulder, a hip. 

Then they’re on stage, and Taylor is struggling. What with remembering her camera cues, her choreography, the notes and smiles and winks at each section of the audience, it was a lot to handle. 

And here comes Karlie, strutting down the runway in her sheer bodysuit and dazzling smile. The model winks at Taylor as she passes by.

_Oh, she was a flirt, wasn’t she?_

_It’s a scene and we’re out here in plain sight. I can hear them whisper as they pass by. It’s a bad sign, bad sign._

And somehow, as a product of some wonderful and perhaps reckless decision-making, the two of them end up in Karlie’s hotel room. 

Afterwards, with Taylor’s clothes on the floor and Karlie’s eyeliner smudged, each of them are grinning like idiots. 

“...That was _incredible_.”

Karlie kisses Taylor’s thighs as if to agree. 

“We should do it again sometime.”

Taylor contemplates the offer later that night, tracing the marks on her skin in the mirror, smirking because they were in places the cameras wouldn’t ever see. 

Oh, she was fucked now. 

_If you're anything like me,  
I'm sorry._

_But Darling, it's going to be okay._

… 

_Present Time, Nashville_

“Just breathe…” Taylor pulls Karlie’s hair back as she leans over the toilet again. “Try to breathe,”

Karlie lets out a quiet whimper. She’s already shaking her head, a sob building in her throat. 

“Hey,” Taylor says quietly. “You can do it,” She crouches behind her fiancee to support her. “My brave girl, yes, you can.” 

They’ve been in the bathroom all morning. Waves of nausea had brought them there, and now Karlie is bending over the toilet again, prepared to empty her stomach for the fourth time that day. 

“ _Hate_ it,” Karlie whimpers, and she’s slotting her forearms over each side of the bowl to steady herself. Taylor knows she’s getting dizzy. “Won’t stop, _can’t_ -” 

Taylor shushes Karlie and presses a kiss to her shoulder. “It’s normal,” She soothes, hoping someway, somehow, she can console her girl. She's got no idea what this is like. Not a clue. “This is all normal,” She repeats. “You know what it means.”

Karlie tries to steady her breathing, sucking in lungfuls of air. Her grip on the toilet seat loosens. 

“The baby is alright?”

Taylor nods emphatically, still not used to the word being said out loud. “ _The baby is alright_ , Karlie. That’s what this means.”

Karlie throws up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment! Give feedback! Tell me your favorite part! Your favorite line! 
> 
> Thanks, lots of love, keep reading and stay tuned :) 
> 
> \- J xx


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, hello again!
> 
> Someone give me a round of applause - I'm actually (sort of) sticking to my once-a-week posting schedule. Who would've thought?
> 
> Many of you messaged me nice things about the flashback scenes. I'm glad you enjoyed them. They add add an interesting perspective to the girl's stories. Hope you enjoy this posting. It's a little sad. It all works out in the end, I promise. 
> 
> \- J xx

_ January, 2014 _

 

_...And so it goes, you two are dancing in a snow globe ‘round and ‘round.  _

_ She keeps a picture of you in her office downtown. _

_ And you understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars. _

_ And why I’ve spent my whole life trying to put it into words.... _

 

“Three months.”

 

_ Stay.  _

  
  
Karlie wants to hold her tight and never let go.  Taylor’s out of breath from hauling her suitcase across the hall. She’s shining with excitement, but her eyes are so guilty. Karlie hates how much she wants to change her mind. 

 

_ Stay.  _

 

The two of them are standing at the top of the stairs. Taylor had to leave for the airport thirty minutes ago, but Karlie can’t seem to let her go. 

 

“Three months,” Taylor's looking straight into Karlie’s eyes. “We can do it, right?”

  
  
And although it’s rhetorical Karlie nods  _ yes _ , because she wants it. She wants Taylor, and this was part of the deal. 

 

“Three months,” Karlie repeats, and throat is tightening again, threatening tears. “We’re spoiled rotten, y’know.”

  
  
She’s stalling. They were running out of goodbye time. 

 

“Most people deal with so much worse.”   
  


Taylor slips a hand into the sleeve of Karlie’s sweater, her cold little fingers seeking warmth. Karlie pulls the girl to her chest, memorizing her smell. 

 

“I’m sorry-” Taylor lets out a shuddering breath, pressing her face into Karlie’s neck. “Oh, Kar,” She whimpers quietly, and it goes straight to Karlie’s heart. “I’m so sorry.”

 

They stand in silence for a long moment. Karlie swallows hard. She will not cry as Taylor walks away. 

 

“I’ll see you so soon, my love.”

  
  
“ _Karlie_ ,” 

 

Karlie doesn’t let her finish. She pulls back instead, trying to smile at Taylor. Anything to convince her she was okay. 

 

“I need you to do something for me.”

 

“All this, it’s not  _ fair _ to you-” Taylor is choking up, her words running together.

 

“I need you to love what you’re doing every night because you fucking  _ deserve _ it," Karlie continues. "And it’s your favorite thing about your job, alright?  _ Look at me _ ,” She orders. “Don’t feel guilty.”    
  


Taylor nods furiously, and Karlie knows then and there that she’s going to cry too. Damn her promises. 

 

“Then give me a hug, little one,”

 

Taylor crushes Karlie into a hug, rising up on her tiptoes to do so. Karlie presses a kiss to her hairline, her temple, her nose. She wouldn't be able to for twelve weeks, at least. 

 

“Three months.” Taylor swears, and this time her tone is fierce. “I’ll be back here and not a minute later.”

 

Her word was good, but despite Karlie’s promises to herself, she was in pieces until Taylor came back. 

 

And Karlie knows she’s in deep when Taylor leaves again, not two weeks after she returns home, and it’s even  _ worse _ . 

 

… 

 

_ Somewhere in Europe, 2014 _

 

Of course Taylor missed her. Touring was hard enough without someone waiting at home. It hadn’t been like that in years. The concept of a long-term relationship was foreign and exciting and terrifying at the same time. 

 

Not to mention Taylor was reminded constantly that she had  _ other _ things to think about. Promo and choreography and logistics and keeping her energy up. It was a vicious cycle. Prep, show, crash hard. Repeat. 

 

Taylor would end up in her hotel room by ten each night and sit cross-legged on the bed, waiting. The ringtone of a phone gave her such a visceral reaction now. It was like a gunshot going off. 

 

_ Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. _

 

The screen lights up with Karlie’s name and Taylor is numb. Numb because no matter what, Karlie was in New York and Taylor was in France, then Belgium, then Sweden. They were hours, miles, and worlds apart. Nothing could change that. Hadn’t Taylor tried it once before?

 

It hurt. It hurt more than anything Taylor had ever known. The pain was a suffocating, nauseating kind of hurt that followed her everywhere she went. 

 

_ I’ve been looking sad in all the nicest places… _

 

And nothing hurt Taylor more than hearing Karlie’s voice, picturing her smile, memorizing her laugh, and knowing that no, she wasn’t coming home. 

 

_ I see you around in all these empty faces...  _

 

Taylor reaches forward and turns off her phone.

 

_         Hey, you're probably asleep. Can't wait to see you. Six weeks. Love you, Daisy. xx _

 

_               - K  _

_ … _

 

_ March, 2015 _

 

_ When we go crashing down, we come back every time…  _

 

Karlie was not in the mood. 

 

She’d been in castings all day. All. Fucking. Day. Hours and hours of fitting into tight clothes, or small shoes, or ridiculous couture that Karlie  _ needed _ to wear, because she had to fight hard and walk for big brands this season. Management had been calling every half hour like clockwork - bitching about this and that. Karlie was exhausted. 

 

She’d spilled her coffee. She had no idea where her subway card was. She needed a shower, but dinner wasn’t done yet. It had been a hellish twelve hours and now all she wanted was to eat and crash hard until spring.

 

Of course Taylor had to drop the bomb right this moment. Of course Taylor got defensive and upset and downright bratty when Karlie refused the discussion. 

 

_ “ _ You’ve got nothing to say?” 

 

Karlie looks up.

 

“Sorry, love,” She deadpans. “I’m not putting my life on hold so I can be your groupie.”

 

_Again._ She wants to add. _I can't do it again. Not after last time._

 

“Don’t flatter yourself.”

  
  
Karlie laughs spitefully. “I don't know what else I’m supposed to do.”

 

“It’s two shows,” Taylor points out. "Is that too much to ask? That I want you backstage for two nights?”

 

“You bought me the plane tickets without even asking,” Karlie holds up the papers to prove it. “First-class round trip,” She throws them on the counter between them. “Taylor, you leave  _ tomorrow. _ How expensive were these? What if I can’t go?”

  
  
“You know that’s not a problem.” 

 

“For you, maybe.”

 

Karlie was starting to feel replaceable, just like the plane tickets. 

 

“Don’t start this again,” Taylor warns. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

  
  
“I’m done talking about it,” Karlie levels. “Stop.”

 

Karlie turns around back towards the stove, struggling to calm her breathing. 

 

“I thought maybe you’d want to come,” She hears Taylor say quietly. “...considering what happened the last leg,”

 

And every quieter a few moments later -  “....It was supposed to be a good surprise.”

 

Taylor turns to go.

 

Tears are stinging Karlie's eyes and _none_ of this is fair.

 

“This isn’t on me,” She yells after Taylor. “You’re acting like a child.” 

 

“I’ve got three years on you! I’m not the one being childish!” 

 

She wanted childish? Karlie could give her childish. 

 

“You’re not getting sex with that attitude!” 

 

“Good thing I leave tomorrow morning then,” Taylor calls back, and Karlie can practically hear her smirking. “I’ll find a  _ groupie _ to help me out.” 

 

…

 

_ Australia, December, 2015 _

 

“She’s not here.”

 

Taylor pulls her hair into a ponytail to salvage her makeup, not really paying attention. The humidity here was suffocating. 

 

“What do you mean?”

  
  
The new security head gives her a blank look. What was his name? Bryan? Brendon? He was english, that’s all Taylor knew at this point. This was his second day on the job. 

 

“I mean she’s not on the roster,” He holds it up for a second, far too fast for Taylor to try and read anything. God, she was jet-lagged. “She’s not coming.”    
  


“There’s been a mistake,” She says smoothly. “Karlie said she would wait at the gate. She’s coming from Berlin.” 

  
  
“Jackson was at the terminal,” He deapans. “If she was waiting there he would’ve seen her.”

 

The last time was August, but then again, maybe it was June?  _ Months and months and months. _

 

“I-,” Taylor felt a little dizzy now. “She  _ said- _ ”

 

“I don’t really care what she said.” Brandon says flatly. “She’s not on the roster. She’s not here," He repeats. "She’s not coming.”

 

“Taylor,” Tree cuts in, and Taylor’s about to scream, right here on the runway. “Get in the car. We’re leaving.”   


 

“But Karlie-”

  
  
“-Is probably waiting for you at the hotel. Get in the car,” She orders. “ _Now_.” 

 

…    
  


Karlie wasn’t waiting anywhere. Taylor should’ve realized that the moment she got into the car alone.

 

Taylor finds her phone and she’s waiting, praying for her to pick up. 

 

__"Of course I'll be there," Karlie laughs, and Taylor wants to pull her through the phone into her arms. "Two weeks to go."  
  
"Two weeks," Taylor echoes. "I miss you so fucking much."  
  
"Not as much as I do, Daisy."

 

Dial tone. 

 

Her heart was about to beat out of her chest. The voicemail box was full. 

 

“Tree?” Taylor’s words are sticking in her throat. “Um, did Margot say anything about her schedule? She’s supposed to be here today.”

  
  
“I haven’t heard anything.” 

 

Taylor wonders if Karlie told her to say that. 

 

_...a circus ain't a love story _

_ And now we’re both sorry (we're both sorry) _   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Please feel free to comment or give suggestions. Don't be shy :) Tell me what you liked, what you thought, etc.
> 
> Love you all.
> 
> \- J xx


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> I've just had the most hellish week at school. It doesn't look like it will get much better until around June 1st... please don't expect another update until then (or after then)/
> 
> Luckily, I've written around 13 pages for this update (squeals, because I'm forever a Swiftie), so this should satisfy everyone until I can start posting again, haha. I've included several flashbacks, you all seemed to enjoy them last time. :) 
> 
> Please enjoy, and as always, don't forget to like and comment! 
> 
> \- J xx

_...It wasn’t fair to you. None of it was. You deserved more than what I could give. I ran from what I didn’t know. If the songs are any consolation - it still hurts. Maybe I’m forward for thinking so, but if you’d like to listen, I’ve included a CD. Track 11 is for us. _

 

_ P.S., Molly seems lovely. I’m glad that you’re happy.  _

 

 

  * __Taylor x__



 

 

_ Pieces of a letter Taylor wrote to Dianna in 2014, which Dianna promptly tore up.  _

 

…

 

_ Present Time. Calabasas, California.  _

 

_ M + D’s House.  _

 

Was it wrong to feel jealous? To feel even remotely possessive or protective of what was once hers? 

 

It was the strangest thing. When the story went public, Dianna’s knee-jerk reaction was to run upstairs to the bedroom and pull Taylor into her arms. She wanted to crawl under the covers and say  _ Taylor, sweetheart, it’ll be alright _ , while Taylor sobbed into her chest.

 

It took her a moment to realize Taylor was gone, their old bedroom was a guest room now, and it was Molly in bed next to her. 

 

Dianna felt guilty. She felt further guilt when she turned on the news and started to read the comments. Molly wasn’t awake yet, but Dianna’s shame was red-hot and tinged with embarrassment. There was no doubt she was being unfaithful - reliving parts of her past, not with shame or regret but with  _ jealousy _ . 

 

She was so completely and utterly fucked up. 

 

_ This doesn’t warrant jealousy,  _ She thought, her cheeks heating up with further embarrassment.  _ This isn’t gossip. This is life-ruining. For the both of them.  _

When her and Taylor discussed it, even the mere possibility of a scandal or tell-all situation, it always seemed like Dianna would be around to experience it. 

 

But no, Taylor had Karlie by her side now, and they were textbook soulmates. The two  _ best friends _ from New York. It was all vaguely reminiscent of those lovesick indie films Taylor and her loved to watch. Summer of 2012 they went through every Nicholas Sparks movie known to man. 

 

_ Stop it.  _

 

Dianna had left her in pieces and Karlie picked them up. This wasn’t new information. She’d heard the songs.

 

_ And I know I make the same mistakes every time, bridges burn, I never learn, at least I did one thing right... _

 

Etcetera. 

 

So she was bitter. What else was new?   
  
_You’re still all over me, like I wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore..._

 

Freedom never seemed tangible when they were together, and accidental or not, Taylor was getting it now. God, what Dianna would have done back then for an ‘accidental’ situation.

 

_ Hung my head as I lost the war... _

 

That was one of the things they fought about the most. 

 

_ “What else do you want me to say?!” _

 

_Dianna reins in a nastier response, resisting the urge to turn on her heel and walk out of the apartment._ _  
_ _  
__“Something along the lines of ‘I hear you, Dianna,’ or ‘I understand how ridiculous this is too-’”_ _  
_ _  
__“-It’s not like that that at all. You know I care-”_ _  
_ _  
___“...or ‘I give a damn about our lives’!”

 

_ “I want it to be over,” Taylor whispers, and the quiet is worse than the yelling. “It’s not just you that wants this. It’s not my choice anymore.”  _

 

_ “That’s not a good enough reason,” Dianna snarled. “You know it’s not.”  _

 

_ “If it’s not enough, then why are you still here?” Taylor points angrily at the door. “Go on,” She dares, but her voice is breaking. “GO! What are you wasting your time for?”  _ __   
  


Dianna remembered everything, how she promised herself that she wouldn’t let it get that far again, so broken that neither of them knew what was up or down. 

 

Imagine the bittersweetness of it all, coming home that October day and finding Taylor gone. 

 

There was nothing. The sheets had been washed, the drawers cleaned out, the pictures taken down. She hadn’t left one thing for Dianna. 

 

Taylor kept the ring. 

 

Dianna’s pretty sure that to this day, she has Taylor’s voicemail message memorized. God, the messages she left. Over and over and over again. Taylor probably hasn’t even changed it. Dianna’s not sure she has the courage to find out.

 

It started with a giggle, the half-hearted kind that was innocent enough to be endearing. Dianna missed it. 

 

_ “...Hi! This is Taylor. I’m probably writing songs and can’t come to the phone right now. Leave your name and number, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”  _

  
  
  


_... _

 

_ New York City, 2009 _

 

“You might sell it a little more if you take off the top, darling.”   
  
Karlie can feel her stomach twisting, her face heating up. The man in front of her is older than her father. 

 

He has a graying mustache and glasses that make his eyes look much smaller than they actually are. He’s a creep. A complete and utter creep. He wants her to walk the runway topless for no reason other than to gawk at her. 

 

Karlie is standing in five inch heels at her second casting of the day, the panel of designers picking apart every piece of her from where they sit. 

 

“I…” She stammers. “W-what?”

  
  
“Take off the top,” The man says again, and the calmness of his tone makes the request all the more unsettling. “Walk for me without it.”

 

_ For me. _

 

The woman next to him isn’t saying anything.  _ No one _ is saying anything. 

 

Karlie’s hands shake as she reaches for the first button. She wasn’t wearing anything under it. 

 

_ Stupid. _ But she needed the money. 

 

_ Ridiculous. _ But it’ll get her the job.

 

_ Disgusting _ . Yes, but he’d booked her for two runways already. 

 

Karlie saunters down the walkway, swinging her hips, flashing a smile. She feels nauseous, and a bit dizzy. 

 

The man nods thoughtfully when Karlie comes to a stop in front of him, fixating him with a hard stare.

 

“You’re in.” 

 

… 

 

_ 2013, New York City _

 

_ There was nothing left to do. When the butterflies turned to dust, they covered my whole room... _

 

The first time had caught Taylor unprepared. It was just a flash of an image, a fleeting moment. 

 

Two months after the VS show, Taylor found Karlie making peach cobbler in the kitchen, slicing up the golden fruit and humming to herself as she did. 

 

Maybe she imagined it, but Taylor saw Dianna in front of her for a split-second. With her mischievous smile and those green eyes that could get Taylor to do anything, anytime, anyplace. 

 

Taylor blinked. She was gone. Karlie stared back at her, a strange expression on her face. 

 

“Alright, love?” Karlie asked her.

 

Taylor didn’t know what to say. She nodded, a million thoughts circuiting her brain. 

 

Before bed Taylor saw Dianna again, even though it was Karlie in front of her with tangled blonde hair and a sleepy smile, the kind she gave Taylor early in the morning, long before coffee. 

 

_ Water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud, but no one heard a thing... _

 

…

 

_ 2015 _

 

Years later, Taylor had stopped trying to rationalize it. Dianna was a part of her past, it seemed only fitting she made comparisons, or felt reminiscent. 

 

Or lied. To Karlie. 

 

Lately, it happened at the strangest time - so late at night. Last week even, when Taylor was driving home from the airport, struggling to keep her eyes open and wondering what would happen when she got home. Would Karlie be up waiting for her? 

 

Because three months had turned to four, then five this time. She deserved the cold shoulder, although it did sting, walking into the apartment and not bothering to wake Karlie up - because the girl didn’t want to talk about it this time. 

 

It hit her then, straight in the chest. 

 

_ “...You walked out because you were scared. Not of us, but of yourself. You don’t know who you are anymore, Taylor, and I don’t know how to fix that if you don’t let me in. It’s not final. We can still try. I’m willing to try.” _

__   
__   
It was one of the last messages Taylor listened to before she started to delete them. God, she can hear Dianna’s voice, she was always so brutal with her honesty.

 

But Taylor wasn’t hurt by the memories, not the same way she would have been two or three years back. It was just… unsettling, and strangely comforting at the same time. 

 

God, she felt so guilty thinking about it now. 

 

… 

_ November, 2014, New York Apartment  _

 

_ I think I’m finally clean…  _

 

“Taylor?” Karlie says one evening. “Do you think I’m enough?”

  
  
Taylor doesn’t look up from the mirror, focused on taking out her contacts. 

 

“Enough?” She winces as one of them folds over in her eye. “Enough what, love?”

 

Taylor had thought she’d said something different.   _ Is this enough, is that enough, do you think this is enough for…  _

__  
  
“Um, enough for you?”

  
  
_ People started talking, putting us through our paces, you said there was nothing in the world that could take it, I had a bad feeling…  _

 

Taylor puts on her glasses and turns around slowly, looking in bewilderment at her girlfriend.

 

“...Karlie? Why…” Taylor stammers, her mind going blank for a moment. “Why would you ask me that?”

 

Karlie shrugs, with far too much nonchalance for a conversation of this caliber.

 

“Dunno.”

  
  
“‘Dunno’ isn’t good enough, love,” Taylor suddenly feels twenty-two again, panic rising in her throat as she waits for the same answers from a different girl. “I need you to tell me what you meant when you said that.”

  
  
Karlie hugs her knees to her chest, contemplating a response. 

 

“The things people wrote…” Karlie pauses. “About the concert.”

  
  
_ Oh, Karlie.  _

 

  
“Karlie,” Taylor began. “You can’t think about what they say-”

 

“They think I’m going to ruin your image,” Karlie sniffles. She was blinking very rapidly now, fighting off tears that were already building. 

 

“Oh, love,” Taylor pulls back the covers, crawling in beside her. “Shh, shh, shh,” She soothes. “Why are you crying?”

 

“I-I was reading,” Karlie starts, and her words are running together. She chokes a little.  “Taylor, they think I’m some kind of flirt that  _ pulls _ people in-” 

 

“You are  _ more _ than enough,” Taylor says fiercely, and cuts her off. “Look at me,” She orders. “Say it.”   
  


Karlie presses her face into Taylor’s shoulder, her tears hot and wet. 

 

“I’m… than enough.”

  
  
“Again,” 

 

“I’m more than enough,” Karlie mumbles, but she doesn’t sound half-convinced.    
  


 

“Sweetheart,” Taylor presses a kiss to her temple. “Please listen to me, this is so important,”

 

Karlie looks up at her, mascara smudged.

  
  
“You’re more than enough,” Taylor tells her. “You are more than enough for me, for the people you surround yourself with, for your family. You are more than enough for _you_ ,” She emphasizes. “I don’t _ever_ want you to think otherwise. You can’t listen to the people that know nothing about you,”

 

“But they say these things-”

  
  
“I don’t give a flying fuck about what they say,” Taylor fires back. “What else do they write that isn’t true? That I’m a whore? That you’re cheating on Josh? That the both of us are home-wreckers that waste our money and party until dawn? It’s all a load of shit.”

  
  
“Well, technically, I _am_ cheating on Josh.”

 

“I don’t care what anyone says,” Taylor continues. “And I don’t want Karlie Kloss, the A-list model. I want Karlie, the girl who loves to bake and can write an essay like nobody’s business. The girl who somehow manages to run a company along with every other thing she shoulders on a daily basis, including my obsessions with candles and cat toys.”

  
  
“They think I’m using you,” Karlie whispers, and her eyes are tearing Taylor apart, so full of pain. “I’m not. I’m not using you.” 

 

She’s looking up at Taylor like she needs validation or reassurance, and god, Taylor will get on her knees for Karlie to promise her  _ yes _ ,  _ love, you’re not. You never have, and you never will. You are not that kind of person. You give, not take.  _

 

_ You’re not Dianna.   _

 

“You’re not using me, darling,” Taylor pulls the girl into her lap. “C’mere.” She wraps her arms around Karlie, pressing a kiss to her nose. “Please don’t listen to what they say. It’s just us in this relationship. Not them. Us.”

  
  
“Us,” Karlie agrees quietly. She tilts her head up, requesting a kiss.

 

Taylor complies, already thinking about how she was going to show Karlie how wonderful and worthy she was. Taylor was going to prove to her that she was capable of being whatever and whoever she wanted, though preferably when the two of them were wearing less clothes. 

 

...

 

_ Present Time, New York City  _

 

“I have to go, Taylor, you know - ow, fuck,” Karlie curses as her earring catches in her hair. “Can you just give me space? Jesus,” She pulls away from Taylor, turning towards the mirror. “I have to go. It’s the first night of fashion week and I promised Ella I’d be there.”   
  
“You don’t _have_ to do anything,” Taylor says sourly, wondering now who ‘Ella’ was. 

 

“It’s important and I want to,” Karlie emphasized. “I should show up. It would be good press.” 

 

Taylor think she might throw up if she hears the phrases ‘good’ or ‘bad’ press one more time. 

 

“Weren’t you feeling sick this morning?”

 

“They call it ‘morning sickness’ for a reason, love,” Karlie says flatly.    
  


“Watch it,” Taylor warns. 

 

She’s pretty sure Karlie rolls her eyes in the mirror. Taylor lets it slide. 

 

“I don’t want you walking in heels right now. Isn’t that a good enough reason?”  
  
“I’m perfectly capable of walking in heels,” Karlie snaps. “I’d appreciate it if you’d stop using the baby as an excuse to keep me home.”

 

“That’s  _ not _ what I’m-”

  
  
“It certainly seems that way,” Karlie returns.“I’m not even showing, you know.” 

  
  
“I’m not trying to keep you anywhere, Karlie,” Taylor sighs, letting go of the blouse she was helping the girl button. “I’d be there backstage, if you’d let me.”

 

Karlie doesn’t give her the luxury of an answer, focused on fixing her lipstick instead. 

  
  
“...I just want you to be safe,” Taylor finishes quietly. She steps forward and places a hesitant hand on Karlie’s stomach. Taylor presses her face into Karlie’s shoulder from behind and breathes in her perfume. 

 

Karlie was right. She wasn’t showing - thank God. Her stomach was only just starting to swell beneath her skirt, and not enough to get them in trouble. Yet. 

 

Taylor had been avoiding a conversation with her mother all week. She’d been meaning to call Andrea for days now, and Karlie’s mother didn’t know either. Neither of them were sure how to phrase such life-changing news.

 

“I want the both of you to be safe,” She confesses.

 

Karlie falters for a moment, setting her earrings down on the vanity. Taylor meets her gaze in the mirror, waiting. 

“I know you do,” Karlie whispers, and Taylor really hopes that she isn’t going to cry. Karlie wouldn’t blame the hormones this time. They’d been bickering all afternoon. This and that. Over and over. 

 

““I’m just glad that he wasn’t here,” Taylor says quietly. “I don’t…” She shakes her head. “I didn’t want him growing up in that, thinking that was what our lives were like all the time.”

 

“You keep saying ‘he’,” Karlie noticed. 

 

Taylor reaches out and touches Karlie’s stomach again as Karlie turns around to face her. 

 

“...What makes you think it’s a boy?”

  
“Only a boy would give you so much fuss,” Taylor sighs.

  
  
“It hasn’t been as bad lately.” 

 

Karlie is determined to be strong throughout this whole process, and it’s admirable, but Taylor sees right through it when Karlie’s in pain. The look in her eyes gives it away. 

  
  
“Okay,” Taylor won’t push her for the truth. Not right now. She pretends to groan.  “Well, damn, I’ve got no reason to keep you here now.” 

 

Karlie’s eyes light up. “...Come with me?” 

 

Taylor tugs the girl close so she can press a kiss to her lips.

 

“Of course,”

 

….

 

_ Karlie Kloss you absolute tease. _

 

Just when everything had gone to plan, Karlie Elizabeth Kloss had to throw the curveball. Melanie had practically chopped off her left arm to get Taylor a front row seat, not telling her anything about _why_ she was sitting there. Taylor should have known. 

 

Of course she didn’t tell Taylor she’d be walking in the show. Karlie knew her too well, knew that Taylor wouldn’t let her out of the house in heels that high, pregnant or not. 

 

_ Someone might steal my girl,  _ She’d teased Karlie once, watching her walk out of the closet in a pair of leather hotpants.  _ I’d have to stake my claim before she could. _

 

_ Or he,  _ Karlie flirted.  _ I’d go both ways for the pictures.  _

 

Well, they both did. 

 

Of course Karlie didn’t mention the sheer dress, the golden curls, the red-hot lipstick. Karlie looked downright vindictive. 

 

Taylor is sitting front row with a pair of thick sunglasses on, Brandon on her left, her mother on her right. All three of them were taken by surprise when Karlie came onto the runway, her head held high, coy smile on her lips. 

 

“I thought she was supposed to be backstage,” Her mother stage-whispered. “What is she doing?”

  
  
“I have no idea,” Taylor couldn’t take her eyes off of her fiancee. “She looks _gorgeous_.”

  
  
Her mother keeps on asking questions, and Taylor's got no idea what to tell her. But Karlie and her, they were taking that dress home, Taylor was sure of that. 

 

_ Say my name and everything just stops… only bought this dress so you could take it off.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there.
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Please don't be shy. Feel free to comment, let me know what you thought!
> 
> Until next time...
> 
> \- J xx


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear.
> 
> I promised June 1st or somewhere near that didn't I? That's turned into something completely different. 
> 
> Apologies, loves! School is finally over and now I have (probably too much) time to write.
> 
> Thank you for being so patient.
> 
> Here's an update I think you'll enjoy :)
> 
> \- J xx

Anyone that knew Karlie or Taylor personally knew they weren't extravagant people, despite the characters they portrayed. The clothes, the houses, the pictures, it was all part of the charade they put on. Anyone that knew Karlie  _ and _ Taylor knew that the couple, up until a month ago, were all but surviving off of their secrecy. 

 

Even now, neither of the girls want a big wedding. For so many reasons.

 

“Paparazzi, fans, headlines,” Taylor started thinking a week after their engagement, ticking the reasons off her fingers during car rides, a new sort of game to pass the time. “The list goes on and on. If photos got released...”

 

Well, that was a whole other discussion.    


  
“We’d want family there,” Karlie agreed, and she decidedly avoided the bigger issue. “Friends, some people from work. Not big.”

  
  
“Not big,” Taylor echoed, and her faraway expression quickly turned helpless. “But outdoors, right? How can we pull that off?”  


  
“We could go to Tahiti.”

  
  
Taylor nods thoughtfully.

 

“Or Mars.”

 

After _the_ _incident_ things changed. Everything changed. 

 

Karlie was sleeping twelve hours a night, which hadn’t happened since she was a teenager. Taylor stopped having panic attacks at the drop of a hat, and she suddenly wanted _more_. More sex, more kisses and hugs, more holding hands and writing songs and baking recipes from cookbooks from 2010. Taylor Swift was back, and she was ready for whatever the world was gonna throw her way. She also suddenly wanted to be married to Karlie as soon as possible. Karlie knew this was her desperate craving for ‘normalcy’ - whatever the fuck that was. The headlines circulating weren’t as delicate as the situation was, and the main insult thrown their way was the ‘frivolous nature’ of it all.

 

_...It seems both Kloss and Swift have conjured up this label, a ‘relationship’ to conceal the fact that, undoubtedly, drunken pictures not meant for the public eye caused a chain-reaction. The need for commitment became quickly apparent after Swift’s public image took yet another hit, meanwhile Kloss’s modeling career seemed to all but implode. Nevertheless, these girls are stuck for good now. Let’s hope the vodka-soaked college experimentation was worth it, ladies… _

 

Some fucking NYU student was feeling nasty, apparently,( and probably a little jealous, Karlie realized) but the article had more hits online than some of Taylor's music videos. 

 

That damned article had Taylor obsessed. It was the subject of conversation for weeks. Night and day. Anywhere and everywhere.

 

“ _ Experimentation _ ,” Taylor spit out, twisting her face into that of a villainess, mimicking the article. “The fact that PR let that get published is worrying enough, I - telling them we’re engaged would make it even  _ worse! _ ” She paused for a long moment, muttering to herself and then bursting out furiously a few moments later - “Those  _ bastards _ , I could just scream - Jesus, Karlie!” 

 

Taylor did scream as Karlie turned on the shower head, cutting her off mid-rant as the water shot out in freezing spurts.    
  


“Sorry,” Karlie apologized, though she’d be lying if she wasn’t the slightest bit relieved it had (momentarily) distracted Taylor. “Honestly, love,” She said. “I’d imagine telling them I’m pregnant will have a similar effect.”

 

Taylor scowls in response. Karlie takes the opportunity to coax her under the stream, gradually turning up the temperature. 

 

“We’re wasting our time just sitting around,” She grumbles, pouting as Karlie pulls her in for a hug. 

 

There it was again. Neither of them were just ‘sitting’ around. Taylor was writing songs like a madwoman, Karlie was struggling to keep contracts up with fashion labels worldwide, oh, and they were due for a baby in six months. 

 

“Karlie,” Taylor says, because she hasn’t answered her question yet. 

  
  
“Marriage is something we both need to be excited about - and for more than the sheer need for it,” Karlie says dryly. “It’s going to happen whether they like it or not.”

  
  
“All the more reason to do it now.”

 

Karlie rolls her eyes. Taylor pulls away from her, crossing her arms.

 

“I think about it all the time,” Karlie says quietly. “And you’re right - it’s not fair. It’s not going to ever be, I don’t think, but waiting is the right thing to do. You know it is.” 

 

  
“Fuck you.” Is the growled response she receives.

 

Karlie gives her a warning look.

 

“Karlie,” Taylor whines. “I just-”

 

“I’m sorry it’s making you upset, but I can’t say I’m thrilled by the idea of giving them what they want, sweetheart.” 

 

“But the wedding-”   


 

“-Will be televised across the globe if we aren’t careful,” Karlie tells her calmly. “Now come here and give me a hug. You’re pouting like a child.” 

 

What Taylor grumbles under her breath isn’t near clean enough for the baby, but Karlie lets it slide. 

 

… 

 

September came faster than either of them had predicted, but that was the month they’d agreed on.

 

“Maybe we should just elope,” Karlie slurred one morning, still-half asleep. “S’not  _ that _ big a deal, jus’ our mom’s might be…”

  
  
“Devastated?” Taylor rubs at her eyes, and barks out a laugh when she pictures their parent’s faces. “We can’t do that to them, Kar, not with the baby too.”   

 

Karlie nods emphatically, her eyelids drooping closed again. 

 

“Hmm,” Taylor muses, and rolls over to wrap her arms around Karlie, pressing lazy kisses to her hairline. “What if we did it here?”

  
  
Karlie is quiet for so long that Taylor thinks she’s fallen asleep. 

 

“...In the apartment?”

  
  
“Yeah, why not?” She asked. “The living room is huge, and we’ve got enough bedrooms for people to stay in overnight. Our parents can fly in early to help us set up... I think Brandon can wave security clearance so management doesn’t freak out.”  

 

Karlie’s pulling away from her now with a yawn, reaching for the nightstand where Taylor keeps her songwriting materials - pen and paper.

 

“Gimme a list.”

  
Taylor grins.    
  


...

 

September 17th, 2017

 

“Oi!” Brandon says sharply, moving forward to block Taylor’s view. “Y’know better than that, s’matter with you?”

  
  
Taylor attempts to look stern, fixating her security guard with a look that would normally grant her any wish, but not today. 

 

“You’ve got five seconds,” He warns, advancing towards the girl. “I swear to god, I’ll carry you out-”

  
  
“Wait,” Taylor pleads. “Brandon, honestly, I just want-”

  
  
“Harry?” Brandon calls over his shoulder. “Come here for a moment, mate, would you?”  
  


Traitor. Harry starts to amble over, confusion written on his face. 

  
“Wait, I just want to talk to her! Is that too much to ask?”  


 

“It’s bad luck,” Brandon says firmly, and points a finger back towards the kitchen. “Go on. I won’t have you ruin it for her too. We agreed on no contact, I’m doin’ my job here.” 

  
  
Taylor whines in response, and Brandon’s eyes harden. Taylor suddenly feels very small. 

 

“ _ Now _ .” 

 

“Can you tell me?” Taylor asks, her voice timid. “Please? Is she alright?”   
  


The security guard gives her a look that Taylor hasn’t seen before - one of affection. He looks like a proud parent for a split-second, then resumes his stoic facade.

 

“She’s absolutely gorgeous, Swift,” He sighs. “And all but dying to marry you, a’right? Now go, please, before I lose my job.” 

 

…

  
  


Karlie is feeling a lot of things in this one moment. She’s staring back at her reflection, suddenly unfamiliar now with lipstick and tiny, white flowers arranged delicately throughout her hair. 

 

Maybe it was thanks to their time spent in England, but Karlie had forgotten how many pictures were in this room - their bedroom. On the walls hung frames upon frames of group photos and get-togethers and parties. There were shots of Karlie on the runway, Taylor on stage and everything in between. Family, friends, fans… felines. 

 

_ “You can add whatever you want,” Taylor promised, standing on her tiptoes to press a kiss to Karlie’s cheek. “It’s your room now too.” _

 

Karlie moving in felt like days ago, but it was nearly five years now. 

 

The more private pictures were farther from the doorway. Intimate black and white shots of Taylor and her hung in dark frames, their bodies pressed together backstage, on planes, in this very apartment.  Karlie’s favorite by far was a striking image of Taylor, her hair bundled up into a bun. She’s looking up at Karlie in the photo, mid-laugh, tilting her head up for a kiss. Jack admitted, sheepishly, the moment was too good not to capture. They forgave him by hanging it above the bed. 

 

Karlie reaches forward on instinct to trace Taylor’s smile. Goddamn, she was so beautiful when she was smiling. Karlie missed the days when they could smile at each other and not worry about what people thought. Everyone else took their freedom for granted. 

 

There was a photo of Karlie that Jack had also taken. It was Taylor’s favorite. In it, Karlie’s wearing this little white dress and is cross-legged on the floor, strapping on a pair of heels. She’s grinning at something Taylor is saying, off-camera. 

 

The woman in that photo staring back at her, she looked so much younger. Her eyes, her smile, they held something different, a sort of youthfulness Karlie didn’t recognize. It was startling, what hiding did to a person. There was a weight you carried, an invisible burden that no one could see. 

 

Things were different now. Despite the initial shock, Karlie had never smiled more than she did the month after the incident. Taylor, too, carried herself differently. She walked with more confidence, was much braver and more willing to talk about the things people said, people thought, people wrote. 

 

They didn’t have to exit the apartment separately, or take different cars to the airport, or delete photos, or  _ lie _ . You didn’t realize how awful it was, Karlie realized, lying all the time, until you didn’t have to anymore. 

 

Taylor, teary-eyed, dazed, had blurted out one morning over breakfast -  _ “I don’t have to change my song lyrics anymore. I don’t even know what that’s like.”  _

 

Karlie remembers what happened when their parents found out, all those years ago. She remembers the snippy comments and the looks and whispers. She recalls those friends who decided to keep quiet and stare istead, nod and smile rather than be truthful. It took a little while for everyone to come around, to realize that Taylor and her were different and they weren’t ashamed of it. 

 

God, Karlie remembers their third date in this very apartment, across the coffee table from each other, giggly and delirious from jetlag. 

 

She knew next to nothing about the girl in front of her, only that she loved music and making people laugh. 

 

Years later, she knows. Karlie knows that Taylor loves poetry and freshly cut flowers and gentle kisses, that she likes to be held close on bad days and left alone on the quiet ones, that when the headlines won’t let her sleep the two of them are to talk about something, anything else. 

But even then, years ago, with Taylor asleep in her arms for the first time, Karlie knew. She felt a bit ridiculous - she’d known the girl all of three weeks - but Karlie was rather certain she loved her.    
  
Karlie gets to marry that girl. That lovely, talented, gorgeous girl with the most beautiful smile she’d ever seen. 

 

....

 

_ We are gathered here today... _

 

Taylor squeezes Karlie’s hands. 1, 2, 3.

 

“Not gonna cry on me, right?”

 

Of course. Taylor - gorgeous, sweet, selfless Taylor is making sure that  _ Karlie _ is okay. She’d walked down the aisle in her flowing white gown, holding that bouquet of daisies (of course) and stood before her wife-to-be, taking Karlie’s hands and soothing  _ her _ , despite the fact that she was just as terrified. Doing something so intimate in front of their family and friends was intimidating - more so than anything their jobs had ever required them to do. 

 

“‘Course not.”

 

But Taylor is blurring before Karlie as she says it.  

 

“Hey,” Karlie hears Taylor chide, like she’s a child that needs scolding. “None of that. No need for tears, love.”

 

“I know,” Karlie says.  “Just - love you so much,” She confesses quietly. “That’s all.” 

 

There’s a collective murmuring of ‘aww’s’ throughout the room. The both of them blush furiously, cheeks stinging from the attention. It had never been like this before. Taylor had forgotten they weren’t alone for that one passing moment. 

 

How strange all this was, rows of chairs in their living room, their parents and friends watching them pledge their love to each other. Each of them wanted to hide on instinct, eyes flitting nervously about the room. 

 

The minister, a older gentleman that reminded Karlie strangely of her grandfather, clears his throat.

 

“Would either of you like to read your vows?”   
  


“God, okay, I’m going to cry,” Taylor announces to the room. “Just a fair warning.” 

 

Karlie starts to blink rapidly as Taylor pulls out a folded letter, because Karlie  _ knows _ what’s in that letter. Her handwriting is all over the cream envelope, addressed in cursive to  _ My Daisy _ . That’s the letter she gave to Taylor on their first anniversary. That envelope burned a hole in her sock drawer for three months straight, daring Karlie to be brave and just give Taylor the damn thing already. 

 

“This is a letter that Karlie wrote to me after, um, after we’d been together a year,” Taylor explains, and Karlie’s heart skips a beat. Her beautiful girl is already tearing up. “We, we’d been through a lot that year and, um, we had to make some really difficult decisions about the way we lived our lives together. I’m not going to read every part, but I think these first sentences are just… beautiful,” She straightens and looks up at Karlie, smiling. “It truly reflects the person that wrote it.”

 

Taylor starts unfolding the paper, and clears her throat.

 

“She writes - ‘ _You’re asleep in the other room right now, no doubt exhausted from Europe. I’ve been thinking a lot about the places we’ve been together, but the place we met, here in New York, it will always be a reminder of you and what you’ve given me. I don’t know how to explain this, it’s nearly unexplainable, but I’m going to try. You are the love of my life, Taylor. You are my light and my best friend. This last year hasn’t been easy for either of us, but there’s no one else I’d rather have by my side. Here’s to our first year, and many more to come. I love you to the moon and back, Daisy.’”_   
  


There’s a quiet noise from the front row. Taylor’s mother has started to cry. Taylor folds the letter back up again, sniffling a little as she does.

 

“Karlie, you are the most generous person I’ve ever met," Taylor admits. "You are selfless, kind, and caring…” Taylor trails off, a mischievous look replacing her nervous one. “It’s really a shame you’re so unattractive.”

 

Loud laughter from the room. Karlie smirks at her, a long line of inside jokes had led to this moment. 

 

“I’m kidding of course,” She laughs. 

 

Karlie loves the way Taylor looks at the ground when she’s a bit embarrassed. She loves the way her arms swing a little, how her hands shake ever so slightly. She’s fidgety and absent-minded and clumsy, her capacity to love overshadowing any other flaws, and Karlie wouldn’t want her any other way. 

 

“-Karlie, you never pass up a chance to make a difference, and as long as I’ve known you, you’ve always tried to smile, even when you’ve felt like crying, even when everything is against us. Loving someone… when you don’t love the way everyone else does, well, it can make people angry,” Taylor admits, and she shakes her head. “It  _ does _ make people angry. Over the past month you and I have experienced that anger in ways most of the people in this room never will.” 

 

Taylor goes on with another funny story, a sadder one, and her promises to stand by Karlie’s side, through ‘hell or high water, though neither of us are good swimmers’. It’s witty and smart, just like Taylor is, and Karlie doesn’t take her eyes off of her bride the entire time.

 

“Would you like to read any vows?” The minister asks Karlie.

 

“Um,” Karlie clears her throat, willing herself to be brave and focus on the woman in front of her, not the twenty-something pairs of eyes watching them. “Harry, do you mind?”   
  
True to this word, Harry ambles over to Karlie, ever the casual figure. He’s holding Karlie’s phone, a pair of earphones dutifully connected, as he’d promised. 

 

“I’m sorry, none of you will be able to hear this,” Karlie apologizes, unraveling the cords. “But, this is the first voicemail Taylor left me when she had to leave again for tour. I felt…” Karlie sighs, this was going to be harder than she thought. “I felt incredibly lonely when she left, but I realized you can’t love someone the way I love Taylor if you don’t miss them. And I missed her,” She laughs. “God, I missed her with my entire body, but it was messages like these that got me through it.”   
  
Karlie finds the saved file, and presses on it. 

 

“I’m gonna play this for you, love, that okay?”

  
  
Taylor nods furiously. 

 

“I want you to remember how upset we both were, going through that together. How hard it was, how much we fought or wanted to quit. We wanted to quit, didn’t we? I want you to know that despite all that, it made us stronger, it showed us how much we loved each other. Think about how far we’ve come, how much we’ve dealt with and achieved - against all odds. That’s what our love can do, Taylor, and that’s why I want to marry you. You were there for me in other ways when you couldn’t physically, and I’m forever grateful for that. Your capacity for love and kindness is unparalleled.” 

  
  
The room is silent as Karlie presses play, and Taylor closes her eyes, two silent tears running down her cheeks.

 

_ Hi, love.  _ Taylor startles at how much younger her voice sounds. It’s shrill and waverly.  _ You’re asleep right now, I’m sure, we’re eight hours apart this time.  _ Taylor hears herself sniffle. She’d been crying, why had she been crying?

 

Taylor remembers now, this was after their first big fight. Karlie had left a handful of messages that merited a serious discussion. _I don't want to feel like dying every time you leave, Taylor. It's not fair. It's not normal!_ Taylor pictures it all again, Karlie's words echoing in her head. Her sitting cross-legged on the hotel bed, head in her hands, working out what she needed to say. 

 

_ I wanted to thank you, first, for putting up with this, _  Taylor hears herself say. _ It’s not fair. I listened to your last message, baby love, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way. I never meant for any of it to happen this way. I deserve it, everything you said. I don’t want you calling back to apologize or take it back because I’m serious. I’m completely serious. Karlie, you can be as angry as you want with me and I’ll take it... willingly, because none of this is fair. It’s hard, it’s draining, and as much as I probably shouldn’t say it - I hate my job sometimes. I miss you more than I can even put into words. Long distance can take a hike.  _

 

There’s a long pause. 

 

_ Do you know I cry before I fall asleep every night? Because nothing is the way it should be. Do you remember our third date? Coffee at the apartment? I had a dream about that last night, and I woke up thinking you were here. I want to be with you, Karlie. I want you here next to me. I miss hugs and kisses and god, I miss showers together,  _ Taylor hears herself laugh, a little helplessly, and her heart breaks for this strangely preserved, younger version of herself. _It gets better,_ she wants to promise her. _It does, I swear._

 

_ I miss sex, Karlie, and laughing with you and being able to talk face to face without setting alarms or worrying about time zones. I should be putting your needs first - that’s what a relationship is, and six months out of a year, I’m not allowed to.  _ There’s a quiet sob. Taylor had forgotten all of this.  _ God, Karlie, I’m so sorry. I love you so much. We can do this. Three more months. I promise I will fly down for the next few days I have off.  Please know that your feelings are valid, and I miss you more than you know. Okay, signing off now. I’ve got four shows this week, and then I'm off to France again. I miss you… bye.  _

 

Slowly, Taylor pulls out the earbuds, looking up at Karlie with a dazed expression. 

 

“You dealt with everything your job threw at you and my own struggles at the same time,” Karlie tells her. “There aren’t enough people in the world like you, Taylor Swift.”

 

"Do you Karlie Kloss take Taylor Swift as your lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?"

 

_ “ _ God _ ,  _ yes.” Karlie laughs, and Taylor reaches forward to wipe away real tears this time. 

 

"Do you Taylor Swift take Karlie Kloss as your lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?"

 

It’s loud and clear throughout the silent room, just as clear as it was the night on Primrose Hill.

 

“ _ Yes _ .”

 

“Then, by the power vested in me, by the state of New York, I pronounce you both wife and wife! You may kiss your bride!” 

 

A chorus of cheers and whistles come from behind them, people are clapping like crazy, and in the very back corner, Louis stands, prepared to throw his hat. Harry stops him just in time.

 

Taylor pulls Karlie to her, flashing that gorgeous smile.

 

“It’s forever now,” She murmurs, and Karlie melts into her lips, pulling her in for a kiss that seals their forever. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading.
> 
> Don't be shy! Comment below and let me know what you thought.
> 
> Stay tuned for another chapter soon!
> 
> \- J xx


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! 
> 
> I thank you all for your patience, your kind words, comments, and kudos... everyone has been so nice. It makes my job very easy :)
> 
> This next chapter will be one of the last. I've planned four (maybe five) more, but then I'm signing off. This story has grown much larger than I'd originally planned, and it's time for the girl's to find their happy ending.
> 
> I appreciate the continuous support. Your comments make me smile so big.
> 
> Thank you for reading and being so lovely.
> 
> \- J xx

_Taylor Swift makes it clear there is no bad blood between herself and her partner, even revealing that the two sealed the deal! She wrote on Instagram just last Monday -_

 

_‘We thank you all for your respect and privacy during this difficult time. Our world has been turned upside down and put back together all at once this past month. Our lives are changing now, at last, for the better. Here’s to my beautiful bride, and a lifetime with you, Karlie.’_

 

It was a breathtaking photo of the both of them, locked in that lovesick gaze you only saw in lifestyle magazines. Taylor had tears in her eyes, Karlie’s fingers were perfectly manicured and outstretched, reaching to wipe them away.

 

It’s enough to make Dianna cry.

 

She felt like a child, wiping away hot, angry tears in bewilderment. That’s what this was, wasn’t it? An bewildering, unsophisticated, childish reaction. Dianna felt like stamping her foot, wailing and shouting over her lost toy - _That’s not fair. That’s mine! That’s mine and you’ve taken it away from me._

 

Five years. Half a decade she’d been gone. Dianna was to blame, this she knew, but the regret was rising. It was this little monster she carried everywhere, now clawing its way out. The feeling was building in her stomach, sticking in her throat like bile, choking her.

 

_I take it back. All of it. You’re what I want. Nothing else._

 

But Taylor gave her everything.

 

“ _You really have no idea, do you?”_

 

Dianna remembers how quietly Taylor had asked it one night, long after they’d gotten in bed.

 

_“I could give you whatever you wanted and it still wouldn’t be enough.”_

 

She remembers Taylor pulling away from her as she said it, and Dianna doesn’t know if Taylor ever got that close to her again. Dianna tried to reach for her, an apology stuck in her throat as she stretched her arm out, but Taylor bundled up her sweater and crossed the floor, muttering about sleeping on the couch.

 

_“That’s not love, Dianna. This isn’t love anymore.”_

 

Married. There was something so brutal and final about that word, though Dianna knows she’s being melodramatic. People got divorced everyday. Infidelity was as common as the cold. So while _you’ve been getting down and out about the liars and the dirty, dirty cheats of the world…_ well, there’s a chance someone is sleeping with your new lover anyways.

 

Of course. This twisted, sick version of herself wants Taylor’s heart broken again. What for? So she’d come running back to Dianna? Sobbing and kind-hearted and beautiful with her small, shaking hands, wanting to be held again?

 

Dianna lets out another quiet sob, and presses a hand to her mouth to stifle it, perhaps a moment too late. Molly is stirring awake next to her.

 

Dianna flinches as her girlfriend bundles up the duvet, rolls closer, presses a kiss to her tear-stained cheek, and asks - “Nightmare?”

 

Dianna rolls out of the bed like it’s on fire.

 

“No,” She whips around to hide her face, no doubt red and swollen. “I’m going to take a shower.”  
  
And in the shower, Dianna sobs. She turns the water pressure as high as it will go, throws a hand over her mouth, and sobs. She sobs for Taylor, for five years back and all the mistakes she’d made, for Molly, and for the woman Molly thought she loved. Dianna didn’t know when she’d stopped being that woman.

 

…

 

_Madrid, Spain_

 

“Hold still, Taylor, for god's sakes.”

 

But Taylor won’t go down without a fight, and although she’s nearly doubling over with laughter as Karlie tries to pick her up (again), she’s shrieking -

 

“I didn’t agree to this! I didn’t - put me _down_ , Karlie!”

 

“Taylor,” Karlie says, a warning. “I’m carrying you over the threshold whether you like it or not.”

 

“We’re both the wives in this situation,” Taylor reminds her. “We’ll have to do it twice.”  
  
“Unlikely. You can’t pick me up.”

 

With Taylor momentarily distracted, Karlie scoops her wife up. She crosses the threshold into their hotel room, spinning Taylor around in dramatic fashion until she’s giggling, begging to be put down.

 

Well, not ‘hotel room’ so much as a Spanish villa overlooking the beach and a sunset tinged-red, but Karlie was inclined to uphold her marital duties all the same.

 

“ _Bienvenido_ ,” Karlie nods to their home for the next two weeks. “To paradise.”

 

“You’re such a sap,” Taylor says quietly, and leans in for a kiss. Karlie grants it. “I love you, wife.”  
  
“I love you too, wife,” Karlie grins. “Now, Mrs. Kloss-Swift, I think each of us deserve about twelve hours of sleep, no?”  
  
Taylor’s cheeks glow pink at the mention of her new last name.

 

“Yes, please.”

 

After a seven-hour flight the two of them crash hard, newly married and jetlagged as hell.

 

…

 

Madrid was, at the risk of sounding cliche, paradise.

 

“ _This_ is the place that you write songs,” Taylor declared. She was overlooking their balcony, holding a glass of _sangria,_ the wind blowing through her hair.

 

Karlie doesn’t answer, just holds up their camera, snapping a picture. She was running out of film fast.

 

The two of them spent those fourteen days doing anything and everything that they wanted. Dancing around the kitchen was one of them. They spent the first morning blaring Taylor’s new songs and whatever was on the radio, spinning around in circles until they had to stop, too dizzy to continue.

 

Karlie let Taylor pour over her new campaign spread, blushing crimson when her wife declared her the most beautiful woman to ‘walk this earth’.

 

They strolled the beaches in the morning, the sunrise staining the sand pink and orange as it revealed itself on the horizon. They lit bonfires in the evening with s’mores and stories. They attempted to cook _paella_ , and everything in between. There were no rules.

 

“How about, ‘ _There are no rules when you show up here, bass beat rattling the chandelier, feelin’ so gatsby for that whole year’_?”

 

“It sounds like something out of a magazine,” Karlie laughs. “I love it.”

 

Taylor waxed poetic about Karlie to the baby, a hand on Karlie’s stomach the entire time. She sat cross-legged on the floor and played music for the child they’d wanted so badly for so long.

 

They were happy. Unashamedly so, without a care in the world. Hiding was long gone.

 

…

 

_NYC, December, 2013_

 

_“Tell me this is not happening again.”_

 

_“Tell me how the fuck you got into my hotel room!”_

_  
__  
_ _“I always have a spare card, Taylor, I’m your manager, not your mother.”_

 

_Tree was ignoring all of Taylor’s questions, standing in front of the bed, arms crossed, sharp eyeliner on that made her look downright terrifying._

 

_Karlie was next to Taylor in bed, wide-eyed and silent, the comforter bunched around her shoulders. Tree had given them all but four seconds to create a semblance of privacy, throwing sheets over themselves before she barged into the room._

 

_The hotel room was completely torn apart. The pillows, the sheets, everything on the floor from the night before. Karlie’s lingerie was on full display on the floor… in pieces. Taylor doesn’t remember if she’d ripped the thong apart or if it had torn while they were busy elsewhere._

 

_And now they were fucked (excuse the pun), well and truly fucked._

 

_“This is highly inappropriate,” Taylor says quietly, not daring to raise her voice in fear of what might happen next. Tree was unpredictable when she was angry. “You’re not allowed in here. Not until I call you in.”_

 

_Tree scoffs. “I’ll tell you what is highly inappropriate, this-” she pointed at Karlie, not bothering to ask her name. “This is highly inappropriate, Taylor. Do you have any idea what this means? For either of you?”_

 

_“We aren’t-” Karlie tried._

 

_“You don’t get to talk,” Tree snapped. “I don’t want you talking for the next twenty minutes, do you understand?”_

  
_  
Now Taylor was angry. “Tree. She didn’t-”_

 __  
  
“I don’t care what she did,” Tree spit out, eyes shining with anger. “The only thing she’s going to be doing is signing an NDA.”

 

_“You’re being ridiculous,” Taylor muttered under her breath. “Storming in here like some psychotic-”_

_  
__  
_ _“Stop fucking talking,” Tree whipped out her phone. “Christ, you’re exhausting.”_  


_Yes, Taylor was the exhausting one. Sitting here, completely minding her own business on a Sunday morning of all days._

_  
__  
_ _“This is what’s gonna happen. You-” She pointed at Karlie again. “Put on some clothes and get out of here. I don’t particularly care what happened between the both of you. I don’t want to know. If this is some relationship, and I swear to god, Taylor, think this through if it is, we can talk again. Until then, out, please.”_

  
_  
Karlie rose silently, turning away from the other women as she slipped on a sweatshirt and retrieved her jeans from where they lay crumpled on the floor._

 

_“Karlie,” Taylor started, turning to apologize. “I’m so sorry-”_

_  
__  
_ _“It’s okay,” Karlie said, pocketing her phone from the nightstand. “I’ll call you later.”_

  
_  
The door slammed. She was gone, just like that. Taylor turned towards Tree, tears building._

 

_“Fuck you,” She seethed, starting to shake._

 

_Tree didn’t look up from her phone, tapping away, a smirk forming._

 

_“You know I don’t swing that way, darling, but if I could-”_

  
_  
She’s cut off as Taylor lets out a shriek, hurling a pillow at the woman. _

 

_Tree’s eyes grow dangerously dark._

 

_“That’s hardly ladylike behaviour, Taylor.”_

  
_  
“I’m not doing this again,” Taylor stood suddenly, pulling on clothes, desperate to run from this woman. “She makes me happy. I’m not going to… I’m not obligated to explain why, to anyone.”_

  
_  
“Have you told your mother?” Tree asks._

 

_Taylor can feel the blood draining from her face. She couldn’t put Andrea through it again, the hiding, the lying, the constant fear._

 

_“Please don’t.”_

_  
__  
_ _“Of course not,” Tree smiled. “Why don’t you sit down. I’m sure we can work something out.”_

 

_Slowly, Taylor returned to her seat._

 

 _…_ _  
_

“Do you remember five years ago?”

 

Karlie spits out her toothpaste. She looks up at her wife, waiting for her to continue. It was well after midnight, and the two of them were back from a night out on the town.

 

Taylor wasn’t drunk, so Karlie was a little startled by her blunt deliverance.

 

“I keep going back to when everyone found out,” Taylor sets down her toothbrush, brow furrowed in concentration. “Tree, my mom, your parents and sisters,” She shakes her head. “It was hell. I don’t know if I’ll ever forget that.”

  
  
“Of course not,” Karlie says quietly. “I don’t think I could ever forget it either.”

 

Taylor shoots her a grateful look in the mirror, and Karlie realizes it all now - the reluctance to talk at dinner, the fidgeting, the laughs that were cut a little too short. Taylor felt guilty for being so happy. After everything they’d been through, it felt wrong to her, like she was betraying the person she’d been five years ago.

 

It absolutely breaks Karlie’s heart.

 

“I’m sorry,” Taylor starts, clearly embarrassed. “I should’ve have,” She tugs nervously at her sweater. “That was strange to say, I -”

 

“Daisy, my love, stop.” Karlie grabs ahold of Taylor, forcing the girl to look straight at her. “It’s okay to feel happy,” She whispers. “It’s alright. It's alright to feel happy all the time.”

 

And just Karlie _saying_ that makes Taylor feel better.

 

…

 

_NYC, Present Time_

 

“You’re awfully quiet.”

  
  
“I’m fucking nervous.”

 

“Then I think our bigger issue is the lack of a swear jar.”  


Karlie scowls at Taylor, who’s on the border of bursting into nervous giggles again. Neither of them liked doctor’s offices. There was something so intimidating about the smell, how sterile everything was. It brought back bad memories, or the idea of bad memories, if you didn’t have any.

 

“Taylor,” Karlie calls to her, barely a whisper. “I’m losing my mind over here.”

 

Taylor goes instantly to the exam chair, crouching at Karlie’s side. She slots her fingers into Karlie’s free hand, taking the other gently from the girl’s teeth. She was biting her nails again.

 

“You’re being so brave.” Taylor presses a kiss to Karlie’s hands. “I’m proud of you,” She looks to Karlie’s stomach. “And you, whatever you are.”

 

“I say girl.”

 

“Then I say boy,” Taylor laughs. “We can’t agree on everything. That’s the first rule of parenting.”

 

Karlie laughs for the first time all morning.

 

…

 

“Do we want to know the sex of the baby?”

  
  
Karlie doesn’t even remember this woman's name, only that her hands are freezing and she’s poked and prodded Karlie in places that weren’t meant to be poked or prodded. The doctor was asking them _that_ _question_. Everything was happening at once. The screen on the machine in front of them was the only thing that mattered now.

 

“ _Yes_ ,” Karlie says, and Taylor squeezes hard at her hand. “Yes, please.”

 

There’s a moment of silence, more pressure on Karlie’s stomach, and then…

 

“It’s a boy.”

  
  
Karlie bursts into tears. Taylor does too, but she throws back her head to let out a laugh of disbelief.

 

“Hi there,” Karlie gasps, still looking at the screen. “Oh my god… hi, baby boy. I’m your mama.”

 

Taylor leans in, pressing salty kisses to her wife’s face and stomach too, once the imaging gel has been wiped away.

 

“Would you look at that,” Taylor murmurs, suppressing a chuckle. “I was right,” Another kiss to her cheek. “Who knew?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be shy! Comment below!
> 
> Thanks for reading :)
> 
> \- J xx


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves,
> 
> Here's another update. I'm glad you enjoyed the last one. Here's some more about our old friends H + L too ;)
> 
> \- J xx

_ London, January 2015 _

 

“Let’s try and eat something,” Louis says quietly, carding his fingers through Harry's hair. “How about I make you a cuppa? D'you want hot chocolate? We’ve got cinnamon, too. Should try and bake tonight, love, you’d like that.”

 

Harry sniffles, rolls over, and presses his face into Louis’ chest, saying nothing. 

 

They’ve been like this for the last hour, having a one-sided conversation. Louis always tried to coax the boy into talking. Starting a dialogue could break the pattern, but Harry wasn’t going to talk. He didn’t ever talk when it was this bad. 

 

_ “I don’t understand,”  _ Liam had said, bless him.  _ “The record is massive right now. Everything is fine. What’s he got to be sad for?” _

 

_"It's not about being 'sad', Li,"_ Louis tried to explain. " _It's a lot more than that."_

 

It was one of the hardest things for Louis, sympathizing with the other boys. He had to make an effort, try to understand how confusing it was for them, despite the immense frustration he felt for Harry. 

 

Harry, who was burly and tattooed and had a deep voice. Harry, who was nearly six foot and threw things when he got upset. Harry, who was withdrawn and brooding, who fit the rocker image and played the part _so_ well that people forgot he was allowed to be vulnerable.

 

_ "I don't want to do it anymore" He'd told Louis backstage, still reeling from the high of performing, his voice near gone. "I can't do it anymore." _

 

Harry, who put everyone else first, who sometimes cried so hard that his whole body shook. Harry, the nicest guy in the room, who will go for days without wanting to eat. 

 

“I love you,” Louis says quietly to the boy. “Need you to know tha’, okay? I'm here and I love you.”

  
  
Harry says nothing. 

 

…

 

_ “You haven’t talked to him about it yet?” _ _   
_

 

“No.”

  
  
“ _Lou,”_

__   
__   
Louis ignores her, and sets the phone down on the counter, pressing the ‘speaker’ button.

_  
__“Lou,”_ Lottie says again, and her voice echoes throughout the kitchen. “ _It’s only going to get worse. You know that.”_

 

“An’ I’m not thrilled to be the one breaking the news,” Louis leans back in his chair for a view of the bedroom door - still closed. “If he wants space, I’ll give him space. He’s an adult.”

 

_ “Well, he’s not acting like one. It’s unattractive.”  _

  
  
“I’m in no position to patronize him, Lots,” Louis returns. “You know that.” 

 

There’s a long pause on the other line. Louis rubs at his eyes, fighting off the need to sleep. It was already half-past one. 

 

He’d have to go in the bedroom at some point, or risk sleeping on the couch and waking up to another argument. Louis had to pick up the pieces, though there was only so much hugs and kisses could do before you had to bring up the hard limits - and they weren’t there, not yet. 

 

Lottie called at midnight. An hour and a half later, with Louis pacing about the kitchen and his sister back home in Doncaster, out of her mind with worry, not much has been solved. Secretly, Louis just needed someone to talk to. He answered right away when Lottie called, desperate for some advice, any advice. 

 

_ “So what is the plan?”  _ She asks, startling Louis. “ _T_ __our_ starts in a month, Lou. Neither of you can avoid it anymore.” _

_  
___  
“We’ll figure something out,” He told her. “Just like last time, we'll figure out how it has to happen. He’s fine on stage. It’s the part after that hits him the hardest. He can’t handle the low.”

 

_ “Mum told me what you said, about how he won’t start meds again…”  _ Lottie falters, no doubt contemplating whether she should approach the topic.  _ “She said he didn’t want to take them anymore. Is that true?”  _ _   
_

_   
_ Louis laughs derisively.

 

“Harry’s never  _ wanted _ to do any of it.”

 

The pills. The sadness. The job.    
  


“ _ But maybe going off the pills could be a good change.” _

_  
__  
___“ Absolutely not.”

  
  
__“What if he needs to detox? I read somewhere online that-”

 

“Charlotte, love,” Louis says, struggling to keep his voice calm. “We are not taking him off the meds. It’s not something we’re going to even discuss. Drop it.”

 

_ “Louis,” _

 

“Fuck’s sake,  _ listen to me _ ,” He growls. “The only thing keeping him alive right now is the prozac. Do you understand?”   
  


 

Silence on the other line.

 

  
“I’ve picked him up off the bathroom floor once already, an’ I won’t do it again.”

 

“ _ I don’t want to talk about that.” _

__   
__   
__ “ An’ you think I fuckin’ do?”   
  


Lottie lets out a quiet whimper on the other line while Louis sets his jaw, pushing away the rising memories, flashing images he’d rather forget. 

 

“I won’t do it,” Louis says. “I’m sorry, I can’t put him… I can’t put  _ any _ of us through it again. Not now, an’ not ever,” 

 

He swallows harshly against the silence, willing Lottie to say something. 

 

“If anything like that got out… about any of it,” He shakes his head at the thought. “Those meds are the only thing that makes Harry feel like life is worth living, Lottie. I won’t be the one to take that away from him.”

  
  
The line goes dead. 

 

… 

 

_ New York City, Present Time _

 

They decided on a Friday, of all days. Give them the weekend to recover, process the information, and hopefully support the both of them by the following week. Honestly, their odds were good. Andrea loved children. She  _ wanted _ grandchildren, although Taylor wasn’t sure what was going to happen when they revealed a secret of this caliber - especially one they’d been hiding for five months now. 

 

Then again, both mothers had been so supportive of the marriage, the  _ situation _ , everything the girls threw their way… what could possibly go wrong? Taylor was going to think positive this time. 

 

Even still, Karlie is near hyperventilation as she circles the kitchen, scanning the perfectly-set table, the dishes heating on the stove, the curtains and everything in between.

 

She’s drowning. Taylor, nursing a glass of red wine from the sofa, has to intervene. Before disaster. 

 

“Where are the hot plates?” Karlie whirls around to check another cupboard. “My mother can not see these dishes without hot plates. She’ll lose her fucking  _ mind,  _ Taylor. Where are they?” 

 

_“_ Swearing isn’t good for the baby,” Taylor teases, rising from the couch. “I read that somewhere.”  
  
“You know what’s not good for the baby?” Karlie turns to face Taylor, wielding her spatula like a weapon. “A grandmama that is bitter about the lack of kitchen feng-shui.” 

 

“You did not just say _feng-shui_ ,” Taylor laughs, reaching for the spatula. “I don’t think anything in this apartment has balanced energy, love,” She carefully removes the spatula from Karlie’s hands. “Easy, you’re gonna take someone’s eye out.”  
  
“I have never been this nervous,” Karlie says, a little breathlessly. “What if they’re upset? Taylor, we should’ve told them earlier.” 

 

“I am not going to let anything bad happen,” Taylor says seriously. “Do you hear me? Nothing. We’re in this together.”   
  
Karlie takes in a deep breath, trying to slow her breathing. They could do this. 

 

_ …  _

 

Andrea and Tracy were beyond ecstatic. Karlie’s not sure she’d ever seen her mother look so surprised, her hand flying to her mouth as they finally said the words -  _ we’re having a baby.  _

 

A lot happened after that, and honestly, Karlie and Taylor don’t remember most of it. It was all background noise. Taylor had her focus on Karlie the whole time. There was shouting and laughing, people jumping to their feet to congratulate them. Taylor, of course, was stepping in front of Karlie, reminding them that she was  _ fragile, and growing a tiny human.  _

 

Austin opened a bottle of wine before (sheepishly) realizing that Karlie couldn’t drink any, and Karlie’s mom suggested they bake cookies instead. That lead to a mess in the kitchen, and Taylor’s dad danced around the living room with Kimberly and Karianne. Taylor laughed as Karlie’s sisters shot her a helpless look, tangled in her Dad’s crazy dance moves. 

 

It was a whirlwind of emotions. 

 

Karlie does remember the feeling, watching it all go down. She remembers Taylor pulling her into the hallway for a moment, cheeks flushed with excitement, wide-eyed and slightly frazzled. 

 

“Did that just happen?”

 

“It seems that the Kloss-Swift’s have a baby on the way,” Taylor murmured, and Karlie doesn’t miss the way Taylor’s eyes darken; just slightly as as tugs Karlie into the bedroom. “Let the family celebrate.” 

 

… 

 

“Daisy?” Karlie asked quietly, helping Taylor button her top up afterwards. “...Did we ever tell Louis and Harry about the baby?”

  
  
Taylor nearly falls over as she pulls a shoe on.

 

“Oh,  _ fuck _ .” 

 

Karlie sighs.

 

“Harry is actually going to kill us.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Don't be shy - feel free to comment.
> 
> P.S. I in no way meant to romanticize depression in this chapter, which I feel like (unfortunately) can happen a lot in fanfic. I struggle with depression and that scene with H + L is based off of things that I've gone through personally. I know it's different for everyone. H + L's relationship functions differently during intense episodes of the illness (as I feel many do) and it's meant to come off as completely supportive and understanding from Louis' POV. Just wanted to make that clear.
> 
> \- J xx


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again!
> 
> This chapter is focused almost entirely from Karlie's POV (aside from the beginning). I thought I'd change it up a little. Let me know what you think.
> 
> P.S. I'm traveling all of next week, so I will try to get a chapter up... but no promises. Sorry. 
> 
> \- J xx

_May 8th, 2018_

_Backstage_

 

Taylor feels like her lungs are being pulled apart, folded in half, and ripped to pieces all at once. She can’t breathe. Not even if she tried, and that’s all they’re asking her - to _please, Taylor, try. Just try and calm down. Try to breathe._

 

_“Can’t, can’t, can’t,”_

 

“Yes, you can.”

 

Taylor’s rocking back and forth, the tops of her knees pressed to her forehead. Breathing was frivolous. It felt like her insides were burning, wasn’t that more concerning?

 

This show could break everything. Thousands of fans are going to be watching her every move, slowly connecting the pieces, retrieving the missing information. _I’ve lied to them,_ Taylor thinks. _I’ve lied and that’s all they’re going to see. A liar. A selfish, manipulative bitch on stage. They’ll think all I want is money._

 

“Stop it,” The voice says sharply. “Don’t say that.”

  
  
Taylor didn’t realize she’d said it out loud.

 

More touching. Someone is grabbing hard at her shoulders, forcing her to stop. The bottoms of her feet are stinging, angry sores forming from carpet burn. Taylor wails at these hands, struggling against the foreign grip. The rocking was soothing, it helped her focus. Why was it stopping?

 

_What are the journalists going to write? What if everyone hates it? What if it’s not good enough? This could be the end of everything, everything we’ve worked for. I’ve put Karlie through this all for nothing._

 

_“All you do is take,” Taylor shouts. “All you do is take, Dianna! Don't you realize that?"_

_“‘All you do is take,’” Diana sneers, mimicking her voice. “Take a look in the fucking mirror, Taylor. Everything you do is to benefit yourself. I was never a part of this relationship. You vouched for me," She stabs a finger through the air at Taylor. "I never got a say. No one does.”_

 

Then comes the first wave, like a blow to the chest. Taylor is overwhelmed by the strong scent of jasmine.

 

Jasmine soap on their bathroom counter, jasmine body wash in their shower, jasmine perfume on the coffee table. The dainty glass bottle so fragile, so delicate in those manicured hands. Jasmine eyes staring back at her.

 

Karlie.

 

“Karlie,” Taylor whispers, and her throat is closing in on her, just like her lungs. “ _Karlie,_ ” She sobs, hot tears spilling onto her knees. “It hurts s-so bad, I _can’t_ ,” She gasps, shaking her head. “C-can’t breathe.”

 

“I know, angel,” There’s a hand pulling her closer, bridging the gap between them. “Can I hold you? Come here.”

 

Karlie’s lifting Taylor’s chin, trying to help her get more air. Taylor can’t hear anything she’s telling her, her heartbeat echoing too loud in her ears, but she feels Karlie tuck hair behind her ears and wipe away her tears. She’s _there_ , and that’s enough, somehow.

 

“ _Hurts,_ ” Taylor repeats, a little louder. “Can’t b-breathe.”

 

“I know it hurts,” Karlie soothes. “Oh, darling, don’t cry. You’re almost there. Push through it.”

...

 

Panic disorder.

 

The name of it was almost insulting. Karlie had never seen Taylor _panic_ . Taylor Swift didn’t _panic_.

 

Taylor Swift put on that goddamned red lipstick, pulled out her guitar, and put on a show. Afterwards, that’s when she would crawl into bed and cry until the sun went down.

 

The most devastating part of it all was the timing. Today was the first show of the leg. Taylor had been good for nearly seven months. _Seven months,_ and Taylor and her were celebrating the whole way, counting the days of full control.

 

_“So, so proud of you,” Karlie had said, pressing a kiss to Taylor’s forehead. “That’s my girl. My strong girl.”_

 

Karlie doesn’t know if she’s ever felt this defeated, holding Taylor on the floor of the dressing room, everyone working backstage crew on red-alert.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

 

Karlie knows Taylor is sorry for more than the panic attack, for a lot of what they’ve gone through, but she shushes her.

 

"My fault,"  Taylor lets out a quiet sob, her whole body trembling. Karlie can feel her struggling, drawing in one rasping breath after another, fighting hard for control, panicking...

 

And just like that - it’s over.

 

“...Daisy?”

 

Taylor pulls away from Karlie, her hands still shaking, and nods.

 

“S’ done,” She pants, pressing a hand to her chest. “I’m alright.”

 

Karlie thinks _she_ might need help breathing now.

 

…

 

Karlie’s hands are still shaking as Brandon walks her to her seat. Camilla has just started her set, and the lyrics are echoing through the halls backstage, the noise of the crowd following it.

 

Karlie can feel her heartbeat in her fingertips, and the ground seems loose under her shoes, like she could fall at any moment. She’s lightheaded, enough so that Brandon’s got an hand around her waist, holding her upright. Karlie doesn’t think she’s ever been that scared - watching Taylor completely fall apart.

 

Yet, somehow, everything resolved quicker than it had spun out of control. This time _Karlie_ was left reeling on the carpet, startling when Taylor returned with a makeup wipe, kneeling and gently wiping at the dark streaks under her eyes.

 

Karlie hadn’t realized she’d been crying too.

 

“She’s alright, you know.”

 

It’s the first thing Brandon’s said to her all day. He’d stood guard at the door, refusing anyone entrance during Taylor’s attack. Karlie nearly forgot he was there. The man was remarkably calm during high-stress situations, and quiet too. Karlie supposes that’s why he was hired. Discretion was key.

 

“She doesn’t let it bother her,” He continues. “S’not a problem, not afterwards.”

 

Karlie shakes her head.

 

“It could easily start a cycle. When she gets overwhelmed it can escalate. What happens when I can’t be there every time? When I have the baby and I'm at home? Who’s going to calm her down? That’s the first time anything like that’s happened here. It’s not good.”

 

“It’s happened once before,” Brandon admits quietly. “Last tour in Australia. We had to lengthen one of the opening shows.”  
  
Karlie’s eyes shoot up to meet the security guard’s, wide in confusion. _No._

 

“I didn’t tell you that,” He warns. “You didn’t hear it from me, a’right? ‘Cos it’s only Taylor who didn’t want you t’ worry…”  
  
Brandon is cut off as a loud voice calls out to them:

 

“Karlie Elizabeth Kloss, you are in a _world_ of hurt.”

 

Karlie turns to find Harry speed-walking towards them. If he didn't look so angry, Karlie would have laughed at his outfit. True to his fashion, Harry is wearing ripped skinny jeans,  a  _Reputation Tour_ t-shirt and bright-red sunglasses. A baby onesie swings from one of his hands, the other pointed angrily at her.  

 

 _Fuck_.

 

“Harry,” She calls, raising her hands up in mock defeat. “Look, we didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, okay? The chances of successful conception via-”

  
“I’m not mad, Karlie,"

 

He comes to a stop in front of them, towering over Karlie. Curse his high-heeled boots.

 

“I.. you’re not?”

 

“Well, no, but I’m fuckin’ _disappointed_ , s’ for sure,” His eyes fill with hurt. " You didn’t think ringing me was a good idea? Do y’know how many godchildren I have? Four,” He states bluntly, holding up the respective fingers. “ _Four_ , Karlie. I’m not even twenty-five yet. I do a bloody good job.” He tosses the onesie at her. "Here, s' unisex."

Karlie takes it, feeling more guilty.

“We were going to ask you to be the godfather, Harry, I promise. We just couldn’t risk anything getting out, not before it all happened. Even a phone call was risky. I’m sorry,” She apologized. “Really, we should’ve told you both earlier. And thank you for this,” She holds up the onesie. "It's adorable."

A one-direction baby onesie. How was she going to explain that to Taylor?

 

Harry relaxes a bit, even more so when he gets a good look at Karlie’s face, her eyes red and swollen.

 

“You've been cryin’,” He notices. “Are you alright’? S’it morning sickness? What’s wrong?” He takes a step towards her, ready to pull her into a hug. “Is it the baby…?”  
  
“No, I wasn’t… not about the baby,” Karlie shakes her head. “He’s fine.”

 

She’d be lying if she didn’t enjoy the way Harry _loses his mind_ at the realization the baby’s a boy, his whole face lighting up.

 

"Can I?" His eyes flicker to her stomach. "Please?"  
  
Karlie uncrosses her arms, and Harry drops to his knees, pressing both palms to the bump.

 

"Hey there," He says softly. "Hey, you little bugger, s' godpapa. _Louis_ , _stop laughing._ " 

It’s then that Karlie notices Louis standing behind Harry, a bit red and clearly embarrassed. He’s mouthing an apology. She holds back a giggle.

  
After a while, the four of them continue walking. Louis and Karlie catch up while Harry strides ahead of them, talking a mile-a-minute and tapping on his phone at the same time. 

 

“Right, so I’ve already got some names lined up, an’ I know that some of them are less traditional, but I read summat about how a strong, charactered name does a _lot_ for a child’s self-esteem whilst they’re growing up…”

 

Karlie’s heart breaks when Louis snaps a hand up and pulls Harry back, just before they enter the stadium. This was all wrong. _It should be them,_ Karlie thinks. _Them, not us._

 

      “I’m sorry."

 

      "Don't," Louis says immediately. "S' not your fault, love." 

 

      "I just," She says quietly. “I didn’t… I wasn't thinking.”

 

Harry doesn’t miss a beat, taking a step back and flashing Karlie a convincing smile.

 

      “S’alright’,” He waves her off. “We’ll be watching from backstage,” His eyes linger on her stomach for a moment longer. “I’ll send you some articles."

 

Karlie leans in as he kisses her cheek, and Louis goes in soon after for a hug. They part ways then, Harry still buzzing from the news.

 

Karlie makes it a few feet before hearing a familiar voice behind her.

 

        “Oi! Don’t eat any raw fish! Do you hear me? _None_ , Karlie.”

 

She flashes a thumbs up, and continues on with Brandon, unable to hide her smile when they finally enter the arena.

 

_…_

 

“My goodness,” Taylor laughs, and it might be because she’s out of breath from dancing, but her voice is a little sultrier than usual.

 

Karlie knows it as her stage voice, and it echoes through the stadium.

 

“My _goodness_ ,” Taylor repeats, turning and sauntering in the other direction, her sequined dress glittering in the spotlight, hips swaying “Glendale, you’ve been incredible tonight! So, so wonderful and loud… I love you all!”  
  
The crowd is deafening in response. Taylor only beams, lifting her head and staring down the camera. Her gaze is broadcasted onto the two giant screens towards the front of the arena. The whole stadium, including Karlie, is captivated. Taylor Swift was working her magic and the crowd, not letting her energy down for a moment.  

“I was thinking...” She says slowly, leaving the fans hanging off her every word. “Because you’ve been _so_ wonderful and loud tonight…”

 

Karlie can’t help but smirk. Taylor’s such a tease sometimes. She’d make her pay for that later.

 

“I was wondering if you'd consider forgetting about anything bad, anything wrong, happening in your lives. Why don't we let go of our fears and anxieties, even just for a moment, and focus on this song instead?" Taylor grins. Karlie knows that grin.

 

"Glendale, how would you feel about dancing tonight? Just letting go and… _shaking it off_ ?”

Another deafening wave of screams, and then the music starts.

 

Karlie is met with a wave a nostalgia as she watches Taylor skip around stage, having the time of her life.

 

... 

 

_January, 2014_

 

_“Mom, she’s different.”_

 

_“The things I’m reading don’t inspire confidence.”_

 

_Karlie presses her lips together and focuses intently on her cup of coffee, struggling to find the words necessary to win her mother’s approval. This was important to her, but a lot harder to accomplish on her own. Taylor promised Karlie a week earlier that she’d go for coffee with her and her mom, but an emergency tour meeting had been called. Now Karlie was alone, and in a lot deeper than she’d anticipated._

 

 _“She doesn’t seem like the kind of girl that would do those things…”_ __  
  
“You mean sleep with other girls?”

 

_Tracy Kloss narrows her eyes, nodding to the crowded coffee shop, silently warning her daughter to lower her voice. Karlie took in a deep breath, resisting the urge to get up and walk out. Her mother had always been difficult about these sort of things, and it was hard to miss her obvious discomfort. Karlie felt vulnerable beyond belief, and desperately wished Taylor was here, but she was willing to feel uncomfortable if it meant her mother would listen - and approve the relationship._

 

 _“I didn’t mean that.”_ _  
__  
_ _“No, you meant that she doesn’t look like a lesbian.”_

_Her mother shifts uncomfortably in her chair, mumbling about how ‘neither do you’, and Karlie, itching to reprimand her, lets it slide. That wasn’t what they were here to discuss._

_  
_ _“Mom, she’s in the same position as_ _I am.”_

 

 _“How would somebody that well-known allow people to walk all over her?”_ _  
__  
__It stings, but Karlie was expecting it._ _  
__  
_ _“That’s not what either of us are doing,” She bit back. “We’re under contractual obligation to not reveal anything.”_

_Her mother rolls her eyes. Karlie pushes on._

 

_“She’s not at all what people make her out to be. The headlines, the stories, none of it is true. She’s exactly like me, Mom. She’s hiding, and scared, and despite what you may think, she deserves your respect.”_

 

_“I don’t want you getting hurt,” Her mother said flatly. “That girl has a lot on her plate.”_

 

 _Ignoring the fact that her mother has yet to acknowledge ‘that girl’ has a name, Karlie looks her straight in the eye._ _  
__  
_ _“As do I.”_ __  
  
“Karlie,” Her mother reaches a hand across the table, making contact for the first time that morning. She squeezes gently at her hand. “I’m in no position to tell you what to do, love, you’re an adult,” She sighs. “But I don’t think this is a good idea. I can’t see it ending well.”

 

_“I love her,” Karlie says quietly. “I hope you’ll change your mind.”_

 

_With that, Karlie leaves her mother sitting at the cafe table, pushing hard on the door to meet the chill of New York City’s winter._

 

_..._

 

Four years later, one thing is certain. Karlie is proud of who she is. She’s proud of the woman she loves, and of the life they’ve built for themselves.

 

The change in music brings Karlie back. She realizes Taylor’s looking straight at her as she sings a familiar song... with the old lyrics.

 

 _“...And here’s to my baby,"_ Taylor points, causing 50,000 people to turn their heads in Karlie's direction. _"She ain’t readin’ what they call me lately!”_

 

No, she isn't. And yes, Karlie will dance to that.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. 
> 
> Comment down below and let me know what you thought. Don't be shy, I love to hear from everyone! 
> 
> \- J xx


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves!
> 
> I'm so sorry for being off the grid. I'm currently studying for the SAT, taking summer classes, etc, and it's a MESS. When I do find time to write it's not for very long, so this chapter took me a while to finish. Sorry again. 
> 
> Here it is, the second to last chapter :) 
> 
> \- J xx

_June 23rd, 2018_

 

Taylor can’t remember a time she’s been this scared.

Nothing compares. Not packing up her things before Dianna got home, or learning that her mother was sick, or realizing the photos were real. It was child’s play, compared to this.

 

The look on Karlie’s face when her water breaks is something Taylor will remember for years to come.

 

"I-I think he's coming," Karlie stammers.

 

Taylor's already throwing off the covers, reaching blindly for the lamp.

 

"Taylor, I think he's coming now."

 

Nothing can prepare you. That wide-eyed, spur-of-the-moment, complete and utter panic is something that stays with you, stealing your breath and freezing your lungs. It’s parallelizing, being caught off guard.

 

_It was worth it._ They’d tell him years later. _Of course it was worth it. We got you, didn’t we?_

 

But Taylor doesn’t think she’ll ever forgive herself. In that moment, the storm before the calm, Taylor knows she’d trade places in a heartbeat. She’d take it all - the pain, the tears, the fear.

 

To this day, she still remembers what Karlie sounds like when she’s screaming.

 

…

 

It was pain like no other.

 

“I _hate_ you,” Karlie told Taylor for most of the first hour, her whole body shaking with each spasm. “I hate-” The rest of her sentences were drowned out by sobs as the contractions hit. “ _You_ did this to me. I _hate_ you!”  

 

Taylor backed off each time, trying to understand. She was still stunned, her eyes wide with hurt.

 

_You'll want to make it better._ Andrea had warned. _You can't. Be there for her. It's all you can do._

Taylor's never felt so helpless. It wasn't fair. She wants to go back in time to that conversation and offer - _Me, me, me. I'll do it!_ \- because Karlie's fighting a battle Taylor can't help her win. She'll be damned if she doesn't try, though.

 

This kind of pain wasn’t tangible. It wasn’t comprehensible. It was baffling, and unstoppable, and merciless.

 

Karlie feels twelve years old again, lying flat on her back, the wind knocked out of her. She feels fourteen, slicing her palm wide open while cutting vegetables. She feels seventeen, hungover for the first time and retching into the waste bin. It was everything, all at once, all together. Karlie feels like she’s on fire. Her insides are melting. Her whole body is throbbing, ripping apart with each contraction.

 

So it had been for six hours now, and no amount of begging or screaming - “Taylor, make it stop. _Please_.” - could save her. Taylor had been loyal throughout the whole process, coming when wanted and going when not. She had her hand in Karlie’s, fingers laced tight, refusing to let on how much Karlie’s squeezing hurt. It was her strumming hand, too.

 

"Take them one at a time," Taylor soothed. "One at a time, love. In and out," She nods as Karlie struggles to even her breathing. "Good girl. You're being so brave." 

 

Childbirth was pain, and Karlie had expected as much. Now that it was happening, though, she regrets it all. The pregnancy, the baby, her choices for no medication. Fuck anyone who’d told her it was bad for the baby. Fuck anyone who’d told her that no medication would make her feel more _powerful._

 

“Right,” Says the doctor, who’d just strolled in after six hours of contractions, wearing brand new scrubs and a smile on his face.  “Ten centimeters. Here we go. Ready to push, Karlie?”

 

“No. I can’t, I _can’t,_ ”

  
  
Taylor's heart breaks as Karlie lets out a particularly loud sob, shaking her head furiously. Her knuckles are white on the bed railing as she rides out another wave of pain.

 

“We’re going to try for ten seconds,” The doctor decides. He sits at the foot of the bed, calm as ever. “He’s almost here, but he needs a bit of help, doesn’t he? Taylor, why don't you help Karlie hold her leg up a bit?”

 

“No,” Karlie’s face is crumpling in defeat as Taylor moves forward. “No... I, p-please don’t, I _can’t-_ ”

 

 

"Hey," Taylor says sharply. "Look at me."

 

Taylor looked, in a way, worse than Karlie. Her hair is thrown into the messiest ponytail Karlie’s ever seen, and she’s still wearing her glasses. They’d run out of the apartment with nothing but shoes and the overnight bag. There was no time for contacts, or matching socks. Karlie’s got on mismatched socks right now.

It’s four in the morning, they’re all exhausted, and though she’d never admit it, Taylor looks _scared._ She's asking Karlie to be brave, despite the irony. 

 

“If you’re not gonna do it for yourself, or for me, then you’ve got to do it for him.”  
  
“No, I _can’t-_ ”  
  
“You’ve got to do it for him,” Taylor repeats, and she's got her lips pressed together tight, refusing a sob no doubt building in her throat. Her eyes are filling with tears. “You’re so close, my love, you’re so _fuckin’_ close."

_8… 9… here he comes. Push Karlie, push!_

 

Karlie throws her head back and lets out a scream so hard and loud that Taylor will tell her later it left a buzzing in her ears.

 

A wailing fills the air and it’s like nothing else Karlie’s ever heard.

 

It’s a sharp, shrill cry, punctuating the silence, and it sends Karlie’s heart pounding so hard it hurts. In front of her, there are a tiny pair of lungs working for the first time. Lungs that are bewildered by this strange, new, cold air, crying in protest.

 

Everyone told her - _when you hear it, it’s like seeing the sun for the first time. You’ll never forget it._

 

The doctor is handing him over to Taylor and Karlie can’t breathe. She doesn’t remember how to. She’s completely captivated by the tiny bundle in her wife’s arms, nine months of hard work and fear and  _can we even do this ourselves?_

 

_Oh_ , when he's settled in her arms, no, Karlie won't ever forget that. He’s got the bluest eyes Karlie’s ever seen. He’s got tiny, dark curls and ten little fingers and toes, reaching out for her.

 

He’s warm and _real,_  and Karlie doesn’t feel an ounce of guilt when she admits to Taylor - “ I love him more than anything." 

 

“I know,” Is the quiet reply she receives, and Taylor is leaning against her now. “He’s _beautiful_ , Kar,” She lets out a sob against Karlie’s neck, pressing her face into the girl’s skin. “We’ve got him. He's ours now." 

And for once, Karlie doesn't fight against the tears rolling down her cheeks. She's happy. She's crying tears of sheer joy and thankfulness for the first time in months, and next to her, so is Taylor. 


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness. Here it is. The last chapter.
> 
> I'm sorry the update has taken so long, but I've been struggling to get this one right. 
> 
> How on earth did I start this story 40 chapters ago? That's insane! 
> 
> I want to thank you all so, so much for commenting and reading and being so lovely. As a writer, it means a lot that people take the time to appreciate a story. You all are wonderful.
> 
> Enjoy this one.
> 
> \- J xx

_ September, NYC, 2013 _

 

Taylor figures she has about two hours. Dianna leaves for the gym every Tuesday morning at six, and she’s back by eight on the dot. 

 

That meant Taylor had one-hundred-and-twenty minutes to pack up her life and run. 

 

Even now, lying wide-awake as dawn approached, Taylor was calm. Dianna’s arms are wrapped around Taylor, golden curls spilling over her shoulders, but Taylor doesn’t pull away. There are a million thoughts circuiting her brain, but Dianna smells like lavender, and home, and  _ no _ , Taylor can not cry. 

 

_ Focus _ . 

 

Laying back to back, feeling Dianna breathe, Taylor knows it has to happen. Each passing moment she feels more certain. They couldn’t go on. They wouldn’t. Why should they reconcile what was left of them for three months and then go their respective ways yet again, to different time zones, different worlds? There was no point in building it up and breaking it down yet again, screaming until her throat was raw, crying until she couldn’t cry anymore.

 

_ The bravest thing I ever did was run…  _

 

Taylor does not cry as Dianna wakes and rolls over, pressing butterfly kisses to her forehead and nose. She does not cry as Dianna promises she’ll be back in time for ‘breakfast’, her green eyes shining with mischief. Taylor has to squeeze her eyes shut as Dianna pulls away, but not before she passes her hands under Taylor’s nightgown. 

 

“Sleep in, baby,” She purrs. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”   
_   
_ _ No, you won’t. _

 

One last kiss, and then Taylor is truly alone. She starts to count. Three-hundred breaths later, she hears the front door close and lock. 

 

Then, a blur of adrenaline and terror. Taylor is rolling off the mattress, falling to her knees and yanking the suitcase out from under the bed. She’s re-checking drawers she’d emptied months ago, and praying that she’s not forgotten anything as she tosses in random items of clothing. Socks. Scarves. A blouse she hasn’t worn in years. Her jewelry is still sitting on the bathroom counter, sandwiched between Dianna’s perfume and and a half-empty tube of toothpaste. Taylor bypasses the framed love letters in the hallway, staring at the floorboards instead. There are clothes to be taken off of hangers, comforters to wash and fold, phone calls to make. 

 

Taylor wasn’t going to leave her scent on those sheets. She wasn’t going to give Dianna anything to hold onto because Dianna never felt the need to reciprocate.

Taylor is pacing the halls, taking down frames and removing pictures. She grabs her guitar case and her journal lying on the couch. 

 

The ring on her finger is taunting her.  _ No turning back now.  _

 

A car horn outside sends her heartbeat sky-high. Jack. 

 

Taylor does not cry as she takes in the last year of her life. She does not cry as she remembers the moments, the memories, flashes of emotion and passion and possibility. 

 

Jack, outside, is quiet. Wordlessly, he takes her bags and guitar case and settles her in the passenger seat. Taylor does not cry as Jack reaches over her to buckle the seatbelt, the question written all over his face.

 

“I’m sure,” She says, but her voice is breaking and she is numb. “Go, please.”

 

He starts the engine, and they pull out of the neighborhood, leaving behind what could have been. 

 

_ You push my love away like it’s some kind of loaded gun… you never thought I’d run.  _

 

_ …  _

 

_ 2022 _ ,  _ Notting Hill, London _

 

Having a child changes you.

 

Karlie didn’t realize it, not at first. The first few weeks after the hospital weren’t even there. She couldn’t reconcile the memories. It was a blur of insomnia and coffee. Taylor was always leaning over her to crawl out of bed -  _ I’ve got it love _ , and when Karlie protested -  _ You did the hard part.  _

 

The next few months came with a new wave of challenges. Teething, child-proofing, (more extensively, at least), bottle-feeding, the list went on. When it was all too much, and this happened often because Karlie was so  _ damn _ tired, Taylor would bounce Noah around the house, humming snatches of a melody she’d been working on to calm him down. He was always crying. It was teamwork. 

Noah wasn’t the only one always crying. Karlie got teary-eyed each time they snapped a picture of him, his chubby hands reaching for the camera. They learned quickly to tie up hair and hide jewelry. His nickname was ‘monkey’ for a reason. He was always grabbing things. 

 

As the years came and went, with new beginnings and endings and  _ my god, he’s growing so fast, Taylor,  _ everything changed.  _ They _ changed. For him. 

 

Karlie has a vivid memory of their first night back home. Everything felt so fragile. Walking up the stairs took a good twenty minutes, and even when they were safe in the apartment, Taylor refused to put Noah down. She stood motionless in the middle of the living room, a faraway look in her eyes. Karlie found them later on the couch, the baby swaddled against her chest. Noah’s little eyelids were slowly drooping closed, and as his head fell back, his rosy cheeks pressed against Taylor’s chest. It was surreal. Karlie stood there for ten minutes, in awe.

 

Karlie wasn’t the only one captivated. Taylor watched Karlie breastfeed every morning, like clockwork. There was nothing sexual about it, and Taylor didn’t have to explicitly state that for Karlie to understand. Something about watching Noah suckle, his little palms pressed against Karlie’s breast made Taylor tear up. She would stumble off occasionally, muttering about writing a song. 

 

Taylor wrote a lot of love songs that first year. She finished the tour like a champ, selling out stadiums and bottle-feeding all at once. Karlie came when she could, face-timed when she couldn’t, and counted the days until the leg was finally finished. When Karlie could visit, Brandon would have to physically remove Noah from Taylor, because she’d hold him until the second she needed to be on stage. That was the hardest part, the division between her two worlds. Of course she loved performing, she’d never stop loving it, but she was desperate for the baby the minute she was done. There was no small talk, no stopping, just a beeline for Karlie and Noah. 

 

They kept Noah a secret until writing on Instagram later that year -

 

_ We are delighted to announce that Karlie gave birth to a beautiful baby boy this July. Noah Kloss-Swift, we adore you.  _

 

It was just his feet in the picture. Classic and private, just the way they liked it. 

 

… 

 

It wasn’t all perfect. Taylor stopped having attacks, but she completely lost her mind the first time Noah was photographed. Karlie swore up and down it wouldn’t happen,  _ never _ , but sure enough, paparazzi got them through the window of a grocery store. Noah was two. For weeks, the prints were circulating. Every time Karlie opened her phone she saw Noah hanging off of Taylor’s hip, his fingers in his mouth. Karlie was in front of the both of them, smiling at her son.  _ Her _ son. 

 

It was candid, the perfect shot, and it sold for 250,000. 

 

Then came the next wave, hard and heavy: the need for drastic change.

 

“We can’t raise him this way, Daisy,” Karlie would say quietly. In the shower, the kitchen, the bedroom. It was their new mantra. “He can’t grow up like this.” 

 

“I know, love. We won’t.”

  
  


They didn’t. 

 

...

 

Much to Brandon’s chagrin, they moved to London again. It was a more secluded area this time, with higher security. They lived near Louis and Harry for a while, and after weeks of reluctant shopping trips and looking over their shoulders every five seconds, Karlie knew they’d made the right choice. 

 

_ They say you bought a bunch of land somewhere, chose the rose garden over Madison Square… and it’s took some time, but I understand it now.  _

 

Having Harry and Louis around, having people that  _ understood _ , was like breathing again. The boys won their own battle after nine years. It was complete madness for a month when the news hit, and then the world moved on. Taylor won’t ever forget the way Harry burst into tears the night they held a celebratory dinner, sobbing into his salad. 

 

“Christ, sorry,” He was so embarrassed and rubbing at his eyes, laughing it off. “We didn’t know what it’d be like… s’ bizarre.” 

 

“It’s freedom,” Louis said quietly. “Plain an’ simple.” 

 

Harry and Louis adopted a little girl named Rosie, and Noah and her were infatuated like nothing else. They did absolutely everything together. 

 

“Christ, he’s a looker,” Harry was always teasing Noah. “Look at those eyes! The girls don’t stand a chance.”  
  
“Or boys.” Karlie reminded. There were no double standards here. 

 

“Or boys,” Harry agreed, and he went quiet for a moment, a stupid grin spreading across his face. “S’ some good parenting there, Swift. Good choice.”

 

“One of my better ones.” Taylor said.

 

They all laughed. 

 

…

 

_ Los Angeles, 2019 _

 

She’d seen her once. At a party, of all places. 

 

It was a fleeting moment, the color draining from Dianna’s face as they locked eyes. From across the room, she could barely recognize Taylor.

 

Around them, music and commotion. Designer gowns and dancing. Karlie’s hanging off of her, rosy-cheeked and giggly, her eyeliner running. Drunk. Taylor turns, mid-laugh, and freezes. Her lips part in surprise. 

 

Blue looking into green, four years swirling between them. 

 

_ This love left a permanent mark. This love is glowing, in the dark.  _

 

_ These hands had to let it go free... _

 

Dianna takes a deep breath, nods, smiles.

 

_ It’s forgiven.  _

 

Taylor misses a beat. She nods back, eyes shining with a graciousness Dianna always loved. 

 

Karlie pulls her away then, tugging her gently onto the dance floor, unaware of what’s just happened. Taylor’s eyes light up as she does, shouting something over the loud music.

 

Dianna lets her go. 

 

… 

 

_ 2 am, London, 2022 _

  
Taylor doesn’t quite remember how she ended up in the kitchen at two in the morning. The empty space in bed next to her was a good indication that something was off, though, and it sent her down the hall, stumbling barefoot in a sleepy haze.    
  
It wasn’t often Karlie got up in the middle of the night, but Taylor wasn’t in the habit of leaving Karlie to deal with it alone. 

  
Taylor checked Noah’s bedroom first, thinking maybe he’d had a nightmare again. Karlie would have woken her, though. Nightmares were a Mommy  _ and _ Mama situation. Noah refused to fall back asleep without the both of them around to calm him down.   
  
God, he was spoiled.    
  
The little boy was sleeping, and Karlie was nowhere to be found. Taylor closes the door quietly, retracing her steps down the hall. Near the front door, Taylor notices the faint glow of the kitchen lights, flickering through the frosted glass.    
  
Taylor rounds the corner and finds Karlie wearing her purple baking apron, tangled curls tied up in a scarf to match. She’s leaning over the counter, icing a cake, tongue held between her teeth in concentration.

 

Karlie is so invested in icing the cake that Taylor almost turns on her heel and heads back for the bedroom, not wanting to ruin the moment. 

  
But as she turns to go, the floorboards creak. Damn this old house. 

  
Karlie startles, naturally, whipping her head up and getting icing on her nose. Her eyes are wide with guilt, and she looks so much like Noah in that moment. They’d caught him stealing cookies from the pantry last week, and she’s got the same deer-in-headlight expression on her face. Taylor laughs.   
  
“Fuck,” Karlie says hoarsely. “Sorry. Did I wake you up?”  
  
“You weren’t in bed," Taylor nods to the hallway. "I thought Noah had a nightmare.”   
  
“Oh.”  
  
“What are you…” Taylor frowns. “Is it someone’s birthday? Did I forget to buy a cake?”   
  
Karlie shakes her head and sets down the piping bag. She considers the pastry in front of her for a moment, and then holds it up, tentatively. It’s chocolate, multi-layered and iced delicately with tiny cream flowers. Knowing Karlie, it must’ve taken her hours.   
  
“Karlie,” Taylor says quietly. “What’s wrong, my love?”   
  
“It - It happened four years ago,” Karlie stammers. 

“What happened?”

“It was four years ago tomorrow, or, I guess today,” Karlie blinks, confused. “What time is it?”

  
“Two.”  
  
“Then today. We were in the apartment, in London, four years ago, and it happened.”   
  
_It_.   
  
The phone calls and panic and _what are we supposed to do now._ Brandon’s face, drained of color, pounding on their door. It was around this time, actually. Give or take an hour.    
  
_Don’t ask questions. Follow me._   
  
They’re sitting in that apartment again, in the life they’d built for themselves, broken. Taylor had tears running down her cheeks as they read headline after headline, speechless. 

  
“Oh no,” Taylor murmurs. “Baby.”  
  
“And - and I _know_ ,” Karlie blurts out. “I know that we’re past all that now, and we’ve got him,” She’s blinking rapidly, fighting off emotions that they’ve pushed away for years now. “But that’s where we were, Taylor. That’s what our life was like four years ago,” She lets out a wet laugh. “And, god, I don’t want to forget. That was the bottom, and this is the top. It’s important we know where we started.”  
  
“Put down the cake,” Taylor orders. “Put it down so I can hold you, please.”  
  
Karlie does, and Taylor bridges the gap between the both of them to pull her wife into the tightest hug she can muster. She smells like icing sugar and cinnamon and jasmine, three things that are just _so_  Karlie, and it hurts. It will always hurt. Thinking that it could have gone their way, a better way, will always taste a bit bittersweet.   
  


“I love you," Taylor says fiercely. "You've been so strong through all of this."   
  
“I love you too,” Karlie's words are running together. “I’d go through it again if it meant we got where we are now.”  
  


Taylor pulls back to look at Karlie, and her heart sinks when the tears spill over her cheeks. Karlie holds in the sob, her shoulders shaking. 

 

“Baby girl,” Taylor reaches around her for the cake. “Shh,” She soothes. “Look at this! It’s gorgeous. Did you really do this all by yourself?” 

 

Slow nod.

 

“ _ Really _ ?” 

 

Karlie giggles, wiping at her eyes. 

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Then let’s have a slice,” Taylor says quietly. “It happened today, didn’t it? One slice and then back to bed, okay?”

 

Another nod. 

 

Taylor and Karlie don’t go back to bed that night. They eat the cake and toast to the years, to the memories, the fear and triumph and everything in between. They toast to Noah, to Brandon, to their parents and Harry and Louis and anyone that supported them throughout the mess of four years ago. 

 

"Did you ever think we'd end up like this?"  
  
"I didn't think I'd get so lucky."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"You, Daisy," Karlie says softly. "I mean you." 

 

Taylor watches Karlie fall asleep as the sun starts to rise, her lips wine-stained and her cheeks flushed from the alcohol. 

 

Taylor thanks her lucky stars for that night nine years back in New York. She thanks her lucky stars for a green-eyed girl who knew what she wanted, and Taylor will be forever grateful that Karlie wanted her.

 

_ You and me forevermore…  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> As always, comment below and let me know what you thought. Don't be shy!
> 
> \- J xx

**Author's Note:**

> What did you think? Feel free to comment below and let me know how you're liking the story :)


End file.
